Husband's violent behavior

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m so glad that you are keeping a journal. That is a good first step. I don’t trust the Father-In-Law at all. Of course he is going to side with his son. It is extremely possible that your husband learned his abusive behavior from his father. That would explain why his father made those excuses for him. Please don’t trust anyone in his family. 

I also strongly encourage therapy and a domestic violence hotline. As others have mentioned, this is the time when the violence increases. He has raped you, demeaned you, and has assaulted you. This will only get worse unless you put a stop to it. I have seen the aftermath of my mom being raped and attacked by her abusive boyfriend. Once she tried to leave him, the violence escalated a lot. This is very serious. 

Post # 92
Member
10725 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@Viviana2:  

Of all the people to ask to help you OP, probably your abusers parent was the worst choice  you could have made. I don’t want to sound harsh to you, a woman in an awful, sad position,  please, please don’t ignore the urgent advice all pps have been giving, they speak from genuine desire to help and , in some cases,  bitter experience .

Stop , please , seeing him as different to other violent abusive men. He isn’t . 

Post # 93
Member
4725 posts
Honey bee

I would reach out to a domestic violence group. They can provide all kinds of support including therapy.

Post # 94
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

Hi OP, I was thinking about you today. I hope you’re doing well. Update us when you can. 

Post # 95
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Please tell your mom. Tell as many people as you trust. The shame and embarrassment that leads to you not saying anything is just gonna isolate you and lead you to keep blaming yourself. 

Counseling from a priest isn’t really counseling IMO. This isn’t your run of the mill marital problem. This is deep seated issues on his part that aren’t gonna change without him being real honest about who he is to himself and it is zero percent your responsibility to get him to that point. Please save your life. Don’t go back. 

Post # 96
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee

Thinking of you. Hope you are ok!

Post # 97
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
@beantime:  I don’t want to thread jack but no, I have kept my struggles very private. I’ve posted under the username anonymouslybee about an incident when I was pregnant, over two years ago.. and had contemplated leaving then. It’s almost like I didn’t want to say it out loud because then it meant I had to admit it. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve left, my ex was arrested last Thursday and charged with 4 counts of assault against me, as well as uttering threats of bodily harm/ death. Leaving finally empowered me enough to speak my truth and share my story. It’s the best decision I have ever made.

Post # 98
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@brittnamrogo:  Sending hugs.  Well done on leaving – that took so much courage.

I hope you will soon be able to look forward to a safe, stable and contented future xxx 

I hope the OP is also staying safe.

Post # 101
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Viviana2:  He is a monster!! You might have answered this in a previous post but are you in counseling? I know you keep a journal that’s great but I think you will really benefit from actual counseling! 

Post # 102
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Viviana2:  Oh bee, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. What a disgusting monster. You are so incredibly brave for seeing the situation as it is. It can’t have been easy for you to get to this point, but this is the only way you can have your life intact. You were less than a commodity to him, he wouldn’t have had any compunction about taking your life. You deserve peace and a life without constant fear above all, and a man who loves you and treasures you. 

Post # 103
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Viviana2:  I really want to applaud you for being brave enough to talk about this, even to an online forum. It’s not easy. And please do not berate yourself for ‘allowing this to happen’. This is all part of the abuse cycle. 

Step 1: Find a good woman who easily forgives and easily blames herself for things, possibly she has an abusive childhood so her idea of love is a bit skewed
Step 2: Love bomb and act like the greatest guy ever.
Step 3: Act out in cruel, violent ways when you don’t get your way.
Step 4: Manipulate the situation to downplay your actions while blaming the victim, who has only experienced ‘great guy’
Step 5: Be that great guy right away so she continues to blame herself and think of the whole situation as a one off. But it never is. 

I hope you can see that while he may not be doing it intentionally, his behavior is that of a classic abuser. It is meant to manipulate you and prey upon your weaknesses, and it’s all about depending on your kindness, love, and understanding to mistreat you. You should not be ashamed that you are a good person, or that you trusted someone you love. 

I highly suggest you read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That”, which will help you understand what is going on in his head. This is free and you can read the full version here:

 https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The important thing to realize is that this isn’t about you. This is about how he thinks and what he believes, and you aren’t going to be able to change that. It’s very unlikely he will change by himself either. It’s unfortunate but this is how he is, and the best thing to do is get far away and stay far away. He will pretend to change. He will say the right things. He will be the great guy you remembered from before. But it’s all a ruse, a ploy to drag you back in, and as soon as he feels you are drawn in enough the abuse will start again. 

This is the ONLY way forward. File for divorce. Stay far away from him. Get a therapist. Read Lundy’s book and any others you can. Educate yourself so you won’t get drawn in. And lean on people who love you, and tell them honestly what is going on. Don’t keep this secret. Stay alive. Stay safe. We are rooting for you. 

Post # 104
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@Viviana2:  I’m happy to hear you aren’t anywhere near him, Bee. But don’t wait for him to file for divorce. Take your power back. Find a lawyer. Talk to your family. You can do it. 

Post # 105
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Viviana2:  

Please save every message and conversation about the bruises and most especially this recent conversation in which he gave reasons for hurting you–ehich is him admitting to doing it. It seems like you’re wishing he would try to convince you to go back but that would be the secondmost terrible thing that could happen right now, because you might be very tempted and end up going back to him. The first most terrible thing that could happen, and I think of it everyday when you don’t update, is the very real risk of him getting to you and doing his best to kill you,..and he might succeed. Did I mention that the woman who posted before, who I kept in touch with through pms within this forum, her husband had been the one to leave. He blamed her for their “relationship troubles” in other words, him beating her up and treating her with cruelty, and he moved out. She thought she was safe. But then he showed up almost two months later and attacked her.

Bee, this is so hard to go through. It’s so hard to break free of abuse. It’s even more hard to do it safely. Please go to the police. Tell your family so they know to keep an eye on you. Please don’t live alone. DON’T BE ALONE. Please work with a therapist. You’re in danger. Hiding in that house isn’t safe for you. I’m also concerned that if he apologized just right that you might go back to him, or let him in the door if he showed up. This man has no right to be near you no matter what lies spew out of his mouth. He is a violent, sadistic maniac. YOU ARE IN DANGER. Please, please take the steps to protect yourself that we’ve been asking you to take. We are all truly worried for your safety. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and truly worry for you. Get a restraining order. Get out of that house. Move in with a family member so you won’t be alone. Start therapy. Don’t respond to anything of your (ex) husband’s attempts to contact you even by traditional mail. If he sends you something, don’t read it. Please take steps to be safe. You’re not safe right now.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors