(Closed) husband's work ruins holidays

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 49
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I work in healthcare so I have to work my fair share of holidays too.  DH knew this going into our relationship, and yes, we’ve had to compromise.  Here’s the key word – COMPROMISE.

OP, all I read from your post is ME, ME, ME.  No where do I read what your DH wants.  Seriously, you made an agreement to spend EVERY holiday with your family????  He agreed to this?  Where’s his family?  Where are his wants in all this?

Marriage is all about compromise.  Sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you don’t.  To me from your one post, your relationship sounds very one sided.  You made the sacrifice to move to be near him, so now he is indebted to you for the rest of your life with this terrible holiday agreement?

And it’s not like he’s not going to see you because of other reasons – it’s because he’s WORKING!

I better stop before I say something really nasty.

Post # 50
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are definitely overreacting. I understand being away from your family sucks but even demanding he spends every holiday with your family seems like a bit much

Post # 51
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I just reread the OP, and I’m confused about your DH’s holiday schedule.  You say he gets one week paid holiday over Christmas, but it only includes either Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas.  So when does he have this week paid holiday?  Am I reading this wrong?

Post # 53
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Some people don’t get nice chunks of time off for holidays. I’m working both Christmas and New Year’s, leaving Fiance at home. He could go home and visit his family, but he’s staying so I won’t be alone when I get off worl. That’s part of being an adult. The world doesn’t stop when you want it to.

Post # 54
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I guess sometimes life doesn’t go according to plans or deals. But if you do ask your husband to quit his job over a circumstance he can’t control, come back and update us if it was worth it. I thoroughly sympathize with being upset that your holiday plans are “ruined” or not what you expected, but the way in which you are coping OP does not seem healthy or reasonable. 

Post # 55
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@marjojo:  Honestly, I really don’t see how you thought those plans would work for the rest of your married life.  Things come up, that’s just how it goes.  To me, planning for a stable and financial future is much more important than insisting/demanding that every single holiday for the rest of your life be spent with your family.

I understand how difficult it is to be away from your family for the holidays.  This is my first Christmas away from mine, but on the flip side…this is the first Christmas in 6 years that DH will be with his, so I’m happy for him. 

I’m trying to say this is the nicest way possible, but I feel like you have unrealistic expectations that if you don’t adjust, will only become a bigger issue down the road.

I guess just count yourself lucky that you have your DH w/ you for the holidays. 

Post # 56
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Not sure if I saw anyone mention this, but I’m going to go ahead and do it.

You do realize that Christmas Day (25th) is the only federal holiday right? A lot of places may give Christmas Eve off, but it’s not a federal holiday. If they follow that schedule, then they don’t get it off.

DH gets to pick 2 extra days to take off besides 12/25 and 1/1. I don’t even have holidays as I’m no longer a salary employee (full time hourly instead). Sucks, but I just take the day off if I want it.

Welcome to being an adult. I’m on call 24/7 technically, as is DH. We both work in the IT field and if something goes wrong we have to deal with it. I’ve stayed up entire nights to fix issues, skipped traveling due to problems, and spent my entire vacation on call. It’s life. Hell, our honeymoon we were both on call, even though we were on a cruise. Sure, if we can’t fix it remotely it’s a problem, but we always have a backup if we can’t do it.

Holidays are stressful. You need to relax and just enjoy them. It’s overwhelming here, as my family is 3.5 hours away and his is local. We are constantly battling over who to see, especially since his refuses to change any traditions to work with us (they MUST have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, no exceptions). We bicker, it causes tension, but in the end we always figure something out. You have to work together and realize that you both won’t get your way. What about visiting family over a different block of time? For example, we are visiting my family over a weekend, rather than Eve/Day. We do Thanksgiving on Wednesday night with them some years and come home Thursday to have it with his. We compromise when we can.

Post # 57
Member
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@snoie:  “Hell, our honeymoon we were both on call, even though we were on a cruise.”  Dude….that sucks.  Did it work out okay?

Post # 58
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I understand how hard it can be with a husband who works the holidays, but I agree with the others that you are overreacting a bit.  I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to choose a job solely on its holiday policies.  My husband is on call on holidays (just started this new job this year), so we can’t travel more than 40 minutes from the hospital he works at.  Well, his parents live 1.5 hours away and mine live a 2.5 hour plane ride away.  it’s hard, and it requires changing traditions we had in place for awhile, but this job is important to him so we make it work.  His mom sounds a little like you and suggested he needed to find a different job because we are expecting a baby in May and we were going to ruin holidays for our child if they weren’t celebrated exactly as what was traditional.  Seriously?!?  There are a lot of people who work holidays, and they are still able to find time to celebrate and make holidays special for themselves and their children.

 Life sometimes requires being flexible, especially with jobs in this economy!  I think it is ridiculous for you to demand he quit his job just because you have to celebrate the holidays a certain way.  Sometimes it is hard to get another job!   I do think that you are justified in having a calm discussion about how imPortant the holidays are to you, and what you BOTH can do to accommodate both his career goals and your family traditions.  You may have to make some sacrifices or celebrate with one part of your family at a different time, because compromise is what marriage is all about.   

Post # 59
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@WillyNilly:  Worked out fine. Had a few calls to make during it (thankfully they came up in St. Thomas so it was free), but it could have turned out worse. We did have to check our email 2-3 times a day though, which is so painful on a cruise. You get used to it – welcome to the world of being the only IT people in a company!

Post # 60
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m still trying to get my head around how honoring a work commitment equates to cheating. 

He’s not choosing his job over you; he’s choosing to do what makes the most sense from a pratical standpoint for the overall health of your family unit.  If you encourage him to call in sick to work just so you can go party with your family, that puts his job at risk, and how is his losing his job going to make you a happier couple?

I think we all get it— no one wants to work over the holidays, and everyone wants to spend time with their loved ones. No one is debating that.  But stamping your feet and insisting that someone quit their job over a work schedule is pretty damaging to a relationship.  OP, I also think it’s 100% within your control over whether the holidays are “ruined” or not.  You can try to compromise and make the best of a less-than-ideal situation, and enjoy the days despite the challenges, or you can shout and pout and be miserable.  It’s entirely up to you if things will be ruined or not.

Post # 61
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

So, you’re only 5 hours from your parents? Why don’t you just drive there and visit them over a weekend?  DH and I lived 5 hours apart for two years while we were dating and engaged, and we visited each other two or three times a month most months.  Just go have the holiday with them (since it’s so important to you) and then have a 2nd Christmas with your husband over the weekend.

Post # 62
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Sunflowers13:  I think she means the “one week” can either begin or end on Christmas day.  (So that employees couldn’t take both Christmas Eve and Boxing Day off, so that the company ensures it will have employees over the holidays.) 

If he does get a week off, there is zero reason to complain when there are spouses who don’t see their partners or only get the federal holiday.  

Post # 63
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@marjojo:  I’m sorry you’re upset, but it sounds like he has a pretty standard work schedule…actually better than standard (I’m a little jealous that he gets a whole week off!). I know as a teacher you’re not used to that since most of your time off is around the holidays, but this is pretty normal. I am in a similar situation – I have 4 weeks off around the holidays because I’m in a PhD program. DH only gets Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years Day. So, we are going to his family’s, then to mine, and we’ll have to do something similar to you in that we’ll have to leave earlier than I’d like on Christmas Day in order to drive 5 hours home that night so he can work the next day. Is it ideal? No. Does he wish he could have more time off at the holidays? Of course. Is it worth it so that I can spend the holidays with my husband? Absolutely. I think that’s the way you have to look at this. 

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