Hyper-vigilant or is this fishy?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you need lots of individual therapy. It appears your baggage is severely negatively affecting this relationship. 

Post # 3
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

lavenderbee3 :  You both need help in your communication. You have different styles. You want discussion on your time line. He needs space and time and you are not prepared to give that to him.

I’m not going to comment on the relationship in general as we don’t have enough information and I’m not a professional. If you both want to maintain the relationship, you both need to commit to improving your communication.

You might also want to consider individual therapy.

Post # 4
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I second the individual therapy suggestion. The way you two handle your anger and emotions is extremely immature and unproductive and, you’re right, will cause the relationship to deteriorate very fast. 

Post # 5
2181 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I suggest individual counseling for you. You’ve been through a lot of trauma, which needs to be treated. 

Post # 7
668 posts
Busy bee

FH and I have had issues with communication (and fights that had us both asking “is this how it’s supposed to be? Can we fix this?”) and we ended up going to couples counseling. Our therapist recommended this really great book called The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Reel and I highly recommend it. It’s really, really helped us grow as individuals and as a couple and very much improved our communication.

Post # 8
608 posts
Busy bee

lavenderbee3 :  This may seem flippant, and it’s not meant to be, but I would be reconsidering marrying someone who deletes/blocks his own Fiance from social media after an argument.  It seems childish and petty.  Has he unblocked/re-added you or are you still frozen out? If you were still frozen, I’d say it’s fishy, but if he’s unblocked you I’d say it’s just petty and childish (clearly both are problematic). 

Does your Fiance want to work on your issues? Self-help is a great first step, but both of you need to be willing to work on your communication issues and find a healthier way to resolve conflict. 

Post # 11
608 posts
Busy bee

lavenderbee3 :  There are a couple of red flags here. The childishness is one, him refusing to acknowledge your feelings or resolve anything is another.  I believe that arguments/issues are only rehashed when they are unresolved, so your point about not being heard or his desire to sweep things under the rug would suggest that there’s some truth to that. 

Again…from your posts it’s not clear whether he’s willing to work on these issues (I’m assuming not since he doesn’t acknowledge/sweeps things under the rug).  But you can work on yourself in the meantime and make a decision for yourself on whether this is truly a healthy relationship. I have heard that the book The Dance of Anger is a good one for couples who need to find alternate ways to resolve conflict/express their concerns.  This may be helpful for you to learn different ways to communicate your issues/concerns to him instead of yelling, crying, etc. Just a suggestion. 

I would say that the biggest flag of all would be if he truly isn’t interested in working on these issues.  Marriage does not solve these sorts of problems; they will only intensity over time. 

Post # 12
1361 posts
Bumble bee

Cut him loose. You guys aren’t a good fit. Relationships should not be this difficult.

Post # 13
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I just want to give a word of experience here. I have experience in the mental health field as a professional and have been in a similar relationship. My ex used to “punish” me with the silent treatment, ignoring me, minimizing my feelings, blocking me on social media…which is, incidentally, a type of emotional abuse. I’m really concerned that he told you “not to bother him with something stupid like that,” because that is intended to make you question the validity of your feelings.

You deserve to be heard. You two have different communication styles, which is certainly okay, but his way of handling his is absolutely not acceptable. Stepping away and saying “I love you, but I need to take some time. I’m going for a walk,” is different than a childish, abusive silent treatment. It’s not fair to you and you do not need to accept that behavior. Additionally, in my last relationship, that type of abuse ultimately escalated. Since we had different communication styles, like you describe with your Fiance, he wanted to shut me out and I wanted to talk *right now* rather than giving him space. Neither is completely fair, but everyone is different. Several times, as our relationship progressed, I would push him to talk when we fought. Ultimately, it got physical and he assaulted me on multiple occasions. I don’t mean to scare you or tell you this will or won’t happen to you. Abuse is a cycle, and people who have been in abusive relationships before tend to end up in them again. I want you to tread carefully and take care of yourself. I know you love this man– but please take care of you. How he’s treating you is not okay.


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