Post # 1
Hello bees, I have been lurking around the board, seeking for kindred spirits. But recent events drove me to sign up and seek for support.
I am 31. And I am still pretty much single. I was with a guy last year whom I thought had potential. He basically flake out due tough financial situations and unstable career.
Last December, a bomb dropped on me. My younger brother (28) who has not been working ( I thought he would be the last to get hitched) propose to his girlfriend and he will have his wedding in December 2017. He is still jobless and my parents have been saving up for his wedding.
Then last week, my younger sister(24) told my parents that she’s getting engaged to her boyfriend. They have been dating for a year only. Their engagement is next Wednesday and truthfully, I am very very anxious and depressed.
I imagined the kind of questions and judgement relatives have reserved for me. I am literally crying every night due to anxiety nearer to the date because of my intense fear of possibly being humiliated by insensitive remarks.
And it’s pretty hard to find someone at 31. My community is small and good guys are rare as gems. I have resigned to the life of singlehood forever. This made me more depressed. I feel like fate has taken an absolute cruel turn on me. I think I’m possibly at my lowest point in my life right now.
I have been contemplating leaving the country and live away from this community. The pressure is really getting to me and I don’t know how to navigate this negative emotions. I’m not sure if anyone has been in the same boat as me.
Any advise are appreciated.
Post # 2
You seriously need to chill. It will happen for you.
If you feel leaving the country and getting away from your community will help ease your anxiety I suggest you do it.
Post # 3
Bee you deserve a hug, What I will say is this, you are holding on to your standards and I applaud you for that. Do you really envy a marriage that is starting out on the foot of poverty?
Post # 4
Are you normally this dramatic? Lots of people meet and marry after age 31 if that is what they want. If your community is small, you may have to move, lots of people do it every day.
I suggest you see a professional who can help talk you through your emotions.
Post # 5
Why is it such a big deal if your younger siblings get married before you? DH is the youngest of 4 – the eldest one got married years ago but we got married before the 2 were even engaged (one got engaged yesterday and the other is still not engaged). No one asked them why we were getting married first, no one judged them for not being married or engaged. Our getting married was by no means a reflection of them or their relationships – it was about us and the fact that we were ready to take that step. Try not to look at their impending nuptials as a reflection of you somehow failing.
Also, 31 is still young – you have plenty of time to find someone, fall in love, get married and do all of those things. I’m not sure where you live, but I can’t imagine that if you haven’t found someone by 31 that you’re automatically resigned to a life of spinsterhood. If you think that leaving your current community and moving somewhere else is the best way to find someone, then go for it. Perhaps you just need to take a holiday, to get away from everything for a little and take some time for you – maybe then you’ll lose some of the negative feelings.
Post # 6
You write as if you’re not from the US. I can’t speak for many other cultures, but here, it’s completely normal to be single. Hell if my current relationship doesn’t work out I’m planning on staying single for the rest of my life. Relationships are hard!
Chin up. Your time may or may not come, but your job is to try to find happiness in what you do have.
Edit: Note that people can be really cruel on here without knowing your history/culture.
Post # 7
Maybe living in a different community, at least for a while, is a good idea.
31 and single is nothing unusual or panic-worthy where I come from (east coast US). It sounds like you are in a small and maybe closed-minded or at least old-fashioned area? Find a job somewhere else and get a fresh perspective on things. You’ll see that you’re not alone and that life is not just about landing that spouse by a certain date.
Post # 8
A cruel turn? You hardly have one foot in the grave at 31, so take a deep breath and be happy that you are willing to wait for the right person for you, and happy for your siblings that they have found the right people for them. You may indeed need to move to a bigger community to expand your options overall. Is that really such a bad thing?
Post # 9
I am sorry but grow up. Sooo many people find the one and get married after the age of 31. My brother is 4 years younger than I am. He had a child and then marriage and another child even before I even met my DH. Oh and by the way I got married at shocker age of 37 and had a child at the same age. Move if you feel your commnuity is to small to find someone. Put yourself out there instead of complaining your younger siblings are getting married before you.
Post # 10
Wow thanks everybody for the reply! That was fast!
Actually I live in Asia. And here if you are not married by 27 at least(for a girl) you are considered a failure. I am not dramatic every other day. In fact, I subscribed to the concept of getting married when you find someone you really like. But elders really give insensitive remarks and having 2 of my siblings married before me, I can imagine the kind of gossips and talks they will have. One of it is they will list out what is actually wrong with me.
My cousin is reaching 50 and she’s not married yet. When she was my age, I heard how the aunties gossiped and judged her. They made her sound like she has an issue. My cousin starts isolating herself and eventually break away from any family events or reunions.
I really fear people’s talks and judgments because they can be very vicious and toxic.
Anyway thanks a lot for the responses!
Post # 11
You really need to calm down. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk and put this in perspective.
I’m sure one day you will meet your right person and it will all fall into place. When that happens I’m sure your siblings will be happy for you so why not try to be happy for them now?
And it’s not your place to judge who should het amrried or not depending on whether they are employed, their age or how long they’ve been dating…
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
My knee jerk reaction was to type chill the f out and tone down the dramatics but I have zero experience with the type of community you’ve described so maybe this is a major problem there. If so I would suggest moving elsewhere for a fresh start. I was married from 27-29, single from 29-34 (some of the best years of my life btw) and now marrying again at 35. Your life is hardly over, enjoy it and learn to enjoy and appreciate yourself. Regardless of where you live I think it would be wise to see a professional therapist if you’re seriously hyperventilating and crying daily over this issue.
Post # 13
We just got married, both of us age 42. Hubby is the 8th of 10 siblings. The two younger ones are married, but some older ones are divorced.
Stop keeping score. Live your life peacefully and let everyone else’s business be their business.
Post # 14
I had a feeling. I’m an American born Chinese… I still feel the effects of the pressure even though I grew up here. People who grow up in America with a predominantly American family really can’t comment on your situation. It’s something that they’ve most likely never experienced and can’t really comprehend. This isn’t just “oh, they’ll make fun of me.” Family members will literally treat you differently- like you’re diseased and contagious. There is no “talk to your family about how you feel” there either.
Please don’t listen to the girls on here who are telling you to grow up or stop being dramatic. Do, however, realize that there is more to the world than your community. If you’re worried of how your family may treat you moving forward, maybe think about trying your fortunes elsewhere? I know it’s a scary thought, but it may be worth entertaining.
Post # 15
It’s hard for me to speak to the anxiety and depression you are feeling, because I understand that there are other expectations and norms in your culture than what I’m familiar with. I’d like to say try not to worry about what people might be saying about you behind your back because that’s just borrowing trouble that won’t help you—but again, I’m not familiar with your community, and that could be far easier sad than done.
If you have the opportunity to leave, I’d say you should, at least for a while. I don’t know if there are other cultural restrictions—where you can go, or who you are allowed to marry if you found someone after leaving home—but for your own mental health and sense of worth, take a break and enjoy a change of scenery.