(Closed) “Hypothetical” question…real opinion needed (sorry, long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

*hugs* I am sorry sorry you have to go through this.the question is do you really want to be with someone that isnt sure if they want to be with you forever? someone that would make a comment like that? I have endometriosis and might not be able to have kids either and my SO knew about it shortly after were started dating, during a conversation about the future I asked him about it and he said it didnt matter to him that he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what and that there are ways around the problem(adoption if need be). If he had said it was a problem then we wouldnt still be together because I couldnt spend the rest of my life with someone who cant accept me for who I am health problems and all. Could he really be serious about the “in sickness and in health” part of the vow if you did get married? PCOS is an ilness after all

Post # 4
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He does need to figure out exactly what he means.  But if you can’t have kids naturally, you might still be able to with infertility treatments, and if not that then surrogacy, and if not that then adoption.  So I think the real question is “do you both want children” and “do you love each other enough to put up with some possible struggles in getting there?”  Not to breeze over it, and I’m sure fertility problems are heartbreaking, as is the realization that you will not be able to have your own biological children, but it seems to me that finding a life mate is a harder struggle than finding a child.  So I would talk to your doctor and find out more information, but ultimately I don’t think this should be the issue that leads to you getting married or breaking up.  Just my opinion, obviously, and others may feel differently.

Post # 5
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I wouldn’t go through with a wedding unless we had premarital counseling and addressed this.

Post # 6
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you have an honest, mature man and you should appreciate that. There are plenty of people whose dreams and “what’s important” change drastically over the course of a couple years, let alone 10-15 years. From what I understand, he’s saying that he can’t say what he’ll feel like about it that far out, but he knows that you’re what he wants now. I think that a man who is intelligent and put-together enough to recognize that he can’t guarantee that his desire for a family won’t shift, and has enough concern and respect for you to not gloss over his inability to see the future and just promise you that everything’s going to be sunshiny, is worth holding on to. Definitely keep talking about everything, but I don’t see any reason for this to raise any red flags.

One thing though: you seem like you would rather not have kids. If that’s the case, you need to be open about it. 

Is adoption not an option for his family needs to be met?

Post # 8
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

This is something that needs to be discussed before tying the knot. i have asked my husband the same thing several times before we were married – i am unaware of anything that would keep me from having children but people take that for granted and you just never know. I think you really need to get a straight answer from him, if you want kids and we cant physically have them are you opposed to addoption? or surrogate mother?

My co-worker and his wife were having trouble having kids – they have been married for almost 4 years and were really struggling to get pregnant from the start. she has PCOS. well last summer they started some treatments and within 2 months of starting the treatment they were pregnant and have a little boy due in july – so dont give up hope, modern medicine is amazing!

i hope your boyfriend realizes that there is still a chance for kids even with your PCOS and even if you cant have them yourself adoptions is always a great option – i’ve thought about it many times and i would condier adoption even if i can have kids – what a great feeling to love a child and give them a home they never dreamed of having.

Good Luck!

Post # 9
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

In all honesty, children are more important to some people than others and even if he told you now that he could get over wanting children he would be telling you what you wanted to hear but may not be accurate. I have seen people change thier feelings about children as they aged and advanced careers in both directions. I also see a couple close to me really struggling after 4 years of trying and not having a child. They have discussed divorce as a result of the inability to have children together and they don’t even know what the cause of their infertility is but it’s hard for one person in the relationship to accept the fact that they won’t be a parent and that was not something either of them could have predicted when they got married. They are not going through treatments and have been investigating adoption as an option.

I think you should be happy he’s not saying what you want to hear but being honest with you and need to decide if you want to continue with this relationship based on knowing that starting a family naturally may not be possible but is important to him. Have you condiered the option of adoption?

Post # 10
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I know some people are worried they won’t love an adopted child as much as oe sharing tehir own genes.  I can’t see this as being true for me, and am considering it for myself should I get tot eh point where kids are an option (kinda need to be married first, and that’s taking forever). 

I think that while it hurts, it’s good to get this out now and not after you’ve been married 5-10 years.  Also, it’s good to remember that medical technology today might improve plenty by the time you guys ARE ready for kids.  Maybe you should see about preserving eggs and spem now, if that’s feasible and affordable, just in case that’s something that could he;p for the future?  There’s no guarantee all HIS parts will be working at 100%, either, by the time you guys want to conceive. 

Post # 12
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would feel hurt as well. My opinion is that if his answer is no then your better off without him. But also, I hope that he can understand that you really can’t tell the future..Just live for today and be happy with eachother. Children might be the least of your worries in the future.. no one knows..

Post # 13
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

@Isilme: I agree 100%

how would he feel if his parts didnt work and you had said this to him? it sound like he needs to learn to be realistic about this situation no one is guaranteed the ability to have kids. I think you need to tell him that what he said hurt you and have a serious talk about it. I hope everything works out for you and dont give up until you try everything you can if a baby is what you want

Post # 15
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hey i have PCOS too, and that was an issue that came up when we got engaged. Childern are really important to my Fiance so the conversation was a little nerve racking for me. Have you talked with a doctor? Mine started me on a different BC that can help. It isnt a guarntee but it migh tbe worth a shot. As for your Boyfriend or Best Friend did he know about the PCOS when you guys started talking about this 6 months ago? I didnt tell mine right away and that was most of his problem…(he also had the same reaction “I don’t know”) Maybe Boyfriend or Best Friend just needs to process the information? Does he understand what PCOS is? I have found the more open we are the better. Best of luck.

Post # 16
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

@hisgoldfish: were you in pain? I dont know if its anything like endometriosis but if it is I could have never been able to hide it I had to tell my boyfriend because I was in so much pain one day after we had been dating a few months he thought I was dying or something

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