- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
In a heart beat! I would.
In a heart beat! I would.
I absolutely will marry him, and he and I are BOTH poor as hell but lack no ambition. He makes less than $20,000 per year, and I don’t make much more. He is a composer/ jazz pianist and music teacher. He commits his heart and soul to his art and to helping share his joy in it with others and it is one of the most amazing quailities about him. We will probably never have a lot of money, but I love the life we have and would never trade him for someone else who makes 6 figures. I sure wouldn’t mind if either of us ever somehow stumbled upon a fabulous record contract however… : )
@Dizbee: I absolutely would. I don’t make a lot of money to begin with (yay for $13.50 and hour!). I know how horrible it would feel for me if my SO told me that he wouldn’t marry me because of how much I make (he makes more than twice what I do). Why would I do that to such a sweet guy?
dh is by definition poor. he makes a very low salary at a retail job, but until recently has been going to school for his bachelors in computer science. (hes on hiatus until he can get another personal loan). so school debts are plenty. i give him credit for trying to get things on track, but i must say it is very difficult living this way.
I just realized I never answered myself!
I answered no because I wouldn’t have allowed mysel to get emotionally invested in a guy who was poor or had the potential to be poor for a long time. I compare it to dating someone of a different religion than you, if that’s a value that’s very important to you. Say you’re Jewish, you want your kids to be Jewish, you want your husband to be Jewish, so you don’t date non Jewish guys. I want to be comfortable. I want my kids to be comfortable. I want to pay for their colleges and weddings and give them oppurtunities to travel and take up whatever sport or activity they want to learn. I don’t have to be filthy stinking rich to do that, but I couldn’t do those things if I was poor or married someone who was poor, as I didn’t choose a 100k+ career myself (though I will certainly be comfortable). I don’t want to have to struggle because of someone despite how hard I’ve worked to get to a point where financially, I am comfortable. That’s a value to me, so when I got to law school, if a guy told me about his five figures of debt from college and six figures of debt from law school and how he wanted to go into public interest, that was a dealbreaker and I did not see him again. I might have fallen in love with him, sure, but I didn’t give myself the chance because that’s not the life I want or worked for. I don’t think love and being comfortable are mutally exclusive and later, I can and did fall in love with someone who wanted the same lifestyle I did.
On the other hand. In college I dated guys who were completely broke (and the one I fell hardest for was older and had already graduated so it’s not like they were young and getting their start). He was an “actor” (read: retail) and was fine doing retail as long a it took until he “made it.” He was 25 I was 20. We broke up for unrelated reasons, but looking back I shiver thinking of what my life could have been with him, not only because he wasn’t the right guy for me, but because he’s 30 now and still hasn’t “made it” and probably never will. Had we gotten married, I would certainly have had to support him in order to come close to the life I wanted and probably would have resented him for making what I consider a bad career choice, even though it was something he really, really loved. After we broke up, I had a couple years of a dating hiatus to get to know myself and during that time, I decided chase common values instead of butterflies. But I still believe you can have both.
As I said in my own reply (back on page 2) as an Older Bee who’s been down this road before, I agree that the mature way to handle LOVE is with your HEAD as well as your HEART. There is more to a successful Marriage than JUST LOVE.
And the best place to start is in how you choose to date.
Falling in love is the easy bit in some ways… finding someone with whom you truly 100% share values, goals, respect, companionship, compatibility, and a healthy bit of lust is the tricky bit.
If one looks at dating in that way… (fishes in the right pond) one can have a better chance of having the life they want
(Your Religion example was a good one, BTW)
Sadly, I think a lot of people don’t have a dating plan… they date in a haphazard fashion… falling in love with whomever comes their way (when the stars align).
As Dr Phil says, women spend more time, thought & effort picking out the perfect item of clothing than they do a life partner.
And that is pretty sad.
@Dizbee: For me it would really depend on the career, but generally no. I don’t work and I LOVE my Stay-At-Home Wife lifestyle, so it’d be very hard for me to imagine myself as the breadwinner. However, if it was a profession like animal rescue, where I could work with him in a really rewarding position, I’d have no problem marrying him.
Not have a lot of money would not be a barrier to marriage. It’s someone’s attitude towards it and personal circumstances that would make me cautious. If someone was clearly little more than a cocklodger who planned to live off my efforts without contributing anything – be that unpaid support or whatever – then no, I’d not marry them. But having a limited earning capacity is quite different matter. Right now (and for very particular reasons) I cannot take on a lot more work. My DH has no problems with this because actually, his medical condition is the reason.
On the other hand, if I’d blithely sailed through life accumulating huge and silly debts and simply expected someone to come along and provide me with a house and a comfortable lifestyle while I continued to contribute nothing other than money problems that they had to sort out then things might be different.
It’s not what you have, it is your attitude towards it that matter to me.
I voted yes because I actually DID.
He spent his last marriage poor and he moved out of that state when they split up. He was still searching for a job and staying at his mom’s when we got engaged, so he moved here with me. I paid for the e-ring too. I am in love with him, not his earning potential.
With patience, love, support, and a lot of hard work, he now makes more than I do and is on his way to becoming the sole bread winner when I eventually quit to be a housewife (hopefully stay at home mother).
We’ve been in this situation before and even now we don’t have a ton of spare cash each month. I would definitely still marry him, even if he was making minimum wage. The first five years of our relationship he made minimum wage so it’s not like I couldn’t handle it aha. I just couldn’t be with him if he wasn’t financially responsible and spent beyond our means. “For richer or for poorer”…
I voted no. My husband earns pretty well, but so do I and I will have to continue work after our baby is born to maintain our lifestyle. I wouldnt want to be on the breadline though, I like to know we can afford food, our mortgage, to have a modest social life/holidays and to enable our children to have the opportunities I had growing up. We are certainly not rich, but not poor either.
I had the love at first sight thing with my Ex-H… and got all wrapped up in that mumbo-jumbo so that I couldn’t see straight. 20+ years later and I was still effed up over falling in love without my head. (In love with a man filled with problems, abusive, and I myself couldn’t see my way clear of it all. Crazy)
Much much better… using one’s head to make a choice, and not some other part of the body.
Lesson learned, and one I share now here on WBee.
As I said, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. There has to be other things too to make a successful marriage.
Dating for a good marriage vs just dating are two very different things, sadly not enough people know / recognize the difference until they’ve actually been thru the pain of Divorce.
I voted no, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I equate it to the relgion aspect someone else brought up. I think it’s important to find a partner who has similar life goals as you. I would not be happy with someone who did not aspire to make enough money to live a comfortable life. I grew up in a home where my family made good money (although certainly not wealthy) and I enjoyed being able to take advantage of whatever extra curricular activites and expereinces I wanted to. I never had my parents tell me no, that I couldn’t do ballet, or go to summer camp, or do this activity or take that trip with a friend. I’m thankful that my parents were in a position to buy my first car, etc. It’s the same way I would like to raise my own kids, and thankfully, DH is on the same page.
All that being said, DH and I are certainly not wealthy people but we do make a very comfortable living and can afford to have nice things. DH and I have been together since high school, so a long long long time. Obviously this financial place we’re in hasn’t always been like this but it has been proportionate to where we’ve been at certain stages of our life. The biggest thing is that I knew DH has the drive, ambition, and desire to continue to grow within his chosen profession and did eventually put us at the point we’re at now and will continue to get better.
I just could not see myself with someone who was content to make barely any money and live day to day. I am not an extravagent spender, it’s actually a running joke that I rarely spend money on myself. However, I do like to go out to dinner and we like to buy items for our home. I would not want to live a life where doing those things was not an option.
I think people all too often have this romantic notion that they’ll “get by” because they love each other and will make it work. Sorry folk, love doesn’t pay the bills.
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