Post # 1
Okay bees, this is a vent but tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if maybe I just don’t get it because I’m not a mom.
FI’s sister got married a couple of years ago, and when they were wedding planning that was all anyone in the family talked about. Understandable, weddings are very exciting and there is a LOT to plan and talk about. FI’s mom spent every moment (which she has a lot of, as a stay at home mom whose kids are now out of the house) helping her with wedding things. FSIL’s goal in life was to become a mom (I don’t mean that in a snarky way, she actually tells me this alot), she had her son about a year after the wedding, he is about 8 months old now. Very happy for her, he is an adorable little boy and she is a great mom.
I’m sure you bees probably see where I’m going about this…now that Fiance and I are getting married it is like no one even cares, everything is all about the baby all the time. And FI’s mom now spends all of her time with Future Sister-In-Law and the baby, and beyond showing up for the shower and buying a dress that’s been it for anything wedding related. And any time it does come up they just want to talk about the cute outfit the baby will be wearing at the wedding and dancing with him all night. They are both nice people and I feel like they do like me and are happy for us, but I just wish they wanted to be a part of the planning experience a bit more, especially since Future Sister-In-Law is a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I have my first dress fitting tomorrow, I’m going alone because my mom is out of town. I was going to see if either of them was interested in coming with me, but they can’t because they’re taking the baby to the zoo. For the fifth time this summer. He has also been to several baseball games, stage shows for kids, goes to a reading group at the library, and is in swim lessons. At eight months old. I can feel myself growing resentful towards my future nephew, which alarms me and I know I need to nip it in the bud. I’m ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do, but I just want some excitement and maybe a tiny bit of the tons of time they spent discussing and doing activities for her wedding. I sent out invites three weeks ago and neither of them has even commented on them. I’ve been trying to drop off FSIL’s Bridesmaid or Best Man dress for a week now but she is always too busy. And going to my first fitting alone tomorrow just has me feeling particularly down about all this. Fiance always tells me to just call and ask them for help or to do things with me, but I feel weird about doing that. They live less than five minutes away from me, and when we were just living together his mom was always wanting to do things together. And it just worked out that now that we’re engaged and I would love to have her around and helping out, she is busy with the baby.
Any advice on getting over this, or just someone else who’s dealt with something like this and understands?
Post # 3
I think that babies and weddings are two completely separate life altering experiences. So people will be joyous for your event, please don’t worry about that!
Do you think this was just a timing issue? Could you give them some more notice? Perhaps your Fiance could suggest to his mother that she be more involved in the process? Could his mother be afraid of stepping on your toes about wedding-related things?
EDIT: I wanted to add that sometimes I feel like my Future Mother-In-Law favors a particular one of her three children simply b/c that child has given her grandbabies. It’s irrational on my part to think that. It’s a grandchild and doting on him is fun for grandparents. Please try to make more arrangements far in advance to get together with your Future Mother-In-Law. I think it’ll help a lot.
Post # 4
Have you always been otherwise close to them or had the feeling like they were like second parents? I can’t say for sure but it would seem that thoughts and actions about a wedding by a parent would be different for a daughter than a son.
I would imagine if I have a daughter I will day dream about her wedding from the start and I probably wouldn’t do the same for my son no matter how much I love my FDIL. So I can see why they might not be as excited about the planning and the details. Assuming they haven’t been like second parents.
Post # 5
I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. Keep in mind, however, that Future Sister-In-Law is her daughter, and while you are her FDIL and I’m sure she loves you and your Fiance, it’s not going to be quite the same as her daughter that she’s raised from birth. As PP said, perhaps you or your Fiance could suggest that you’d love for her/them to be more active in helping you plan the wedding? Maybe they don’t realize that you want them to be a huge part of it. My Future Sister-In-Law didn’t expect to do anything to help me but was thrilled when I asked her, so it could just be miscommunication.
Also, I think it could just be timing. Future Sister-In-Law is moving through life stages- she had her wedding and now she has her baby, so Future Mother-In-Law has gotten to do the exciting wedding planning, and is now getting to be with her daughter as she becomes a mom. Different experiences, but since she has recently planned a wedding, it could be the excitement of the next stage in life. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in being a little jealous, but I think looking at it from that perspective may help you see where Future In-Laws are at.
Post # 6
@galloway111: I co-sign everything she said. Just try to find some support outside of your Future Mother-In-Law.
Post # 7
@Talishazwi: We were close before – I wouldn’t say second parents close, but they have always been very involved in our life and had opinions and wanted to help with everything. So it’s disappointing that at the time when I would love the extra help and excitement is the time that Future Mother-In-Law is too busy.
@beekiss: @galloway111: I think that a lot of it is the timing. I should probably start asking more in advance and making more of an effort to make plans with Future Mother-In-Law…I think I’ve closed myself off a bit just because the lack of excitement for us has hurt, and they act like some of the things I’m doing for the wedding are silly. Future Sister-In-Law had a very casual backyard wedding, ours is more formal and Future Mother-In-Law said she was glad we were having a more traditional wedding – but then she acts totally the opposite. When I sent out save the dates she laughed and basically called it pointless. When I bought my wedding dress there was judgement for it costing more than the few hundred she spent on her daughter’s. When I gently ask about the rehersal dinner (which she has said she wants to be in charge of), she says that she has plenty of time – the wedding is in 25 days.
As I’m typing I’m kind of realizing that really it’s about more than all the attention being on my nephew at the moment. It’s also about me just not feeling like they care, and like they think my formal wedding is silly. That’s why I’m afraid to ask for help. I just hope that on the wedding day they see how nice it is and finally understand why I put so much work into it. I just needed a safe place to vent because I don’t want to say negative things to Fiance about his family, because they really are nice people and in general I feel like they like me – the wedding timing is just bad and they don’t understand the money being spent on a lot of the traditional elements Future Sister-In-Law skipped. I know I’m lucky to have a good relationship with them outside of wedding planning, and also lucky that my own mother is there for me and very excited about the wedding. I guess I’m just kind of feeling sorry for myself, thanks for letting me vent girls.
Post # 8
@Wonderstruck: That’s what we’re all here for! It’s your wedding and your style is different than theirs, so what? I’m sure they’ll be so excited for you on your wedding day they’ll forget all the stuff they thought was silly.
And if you’re concerned about the rehearsal dinner, you could always get started- mention a restaurant you’d love to have it at or say something about how a Bridesmaid or Best Man asked where it would be and you were wondering if she’d had any ideas?
Wedding planning is stressful enough, so enjoy yourself and try not to stress any more than necessary 🙂
Post # 9
I get this way too sometimes, my boyfriend’s brother is getting married in February and I’ll admit, I’ll let the green-eyed monster get the best of me every so often. Just focus on the great stuff, like you’re mom, your dress, your FI! You’re wedding will be great, nobody’s opinion about that matters more than yours!!