Post # 1
Im posting under a fake account to keep anonymous. Last night I went out with friends to a house party. My fiancé was out of state visiting friends so I was solo. Everyone was drinking and having a good time. One of my male friends (a friend of a friend, really) was really hitting on me throughout the night. It’s terrible, but I’vealways had a bit of a crush on him. Like since college. We danced and things got a little touchy-feely, although we were in a group anfor people were dancing with other partners and it all seemed harmless. Honestly, I was reallyenjoying the excitement and attention of someone new. There was a lot of drinking and the guy and I walked to get pizza together.. He was kind of joking around and said we should make out, but I said that we both knew that was a bad idea. The bad thing is, I really wanted to do it. I think if I knew we wouldn’t get caught, I probably would have done it. I know, I’m a terrible person. We got to the pizza place and he actually leaned in to kiss me. I moved away, but Ihonestly hesitated. I feel terrible. My wedding is next winter and I can’t believe I’m flirting with another man.
Oh, to make things worse, the other guy is married. His wife and I attend the same church, although I don’t really know her. I know, this is soo terrible. Therewas touching and flirting and an almost kiss. I love fiancé so much and don’t know what’s going on with me. Is this normal? I want to tell my sister but I’m afraid what she’ll say. Help!
Post # 3
Sorry, I don’t think I can say this is normal. If your able to enjoy the company of another man in that way and want to have made out with him, maybe it is best if you wait on marriage.
I totally understand things happen BUT you have to agree this is not what married and engaged people should be doing. What if this was done to you, would you be okay with him asking if this was normal?
Post # 4
@GltgrlL: honestly, I would not tell anyone that you know this unless you are ready for this to get back to your Fiance. I do, however, think that you should speak with a therapist. Honestly, I could NEVER see myself flirting or wanting to get touchy with another man. To answer your question, no, I do not think this is normal. how would you feel if you found your Fiance did this with a woman? How is your current relationship with FI?
how do you feel today, sober? Do you still think you have a crush on him? If you were in the same situation tonight (minus alcolhol) would you still want to?
I think you need to wait to get married…you dont seem ready
Post # 5
I think attention from other person is always nice but add in alcohol and it becomes something bigger.
The fact that you did not do anything but flirting/touching (hoping it was minor) and feel bad about it clearly shows that you really care about your guy. You didn’t get caught in the moment and have the “Ooh I was drunk, it just happened” excuse that everyone uses. Because regardless of wanting to and doing are completley different in my book.
I would however learn from this experience and not allow yourself to get too involved in the new attention lust. You can have a good time without having to be a flirt or even drinking (at least I can). And if you feel that you can’t, never go out without your guy or a very close friend who can pull you out of the moment and knock sense back into you.
Post # 6
yeah, I would wait on marrriage, and actually confess to your fiance, nothing happened (yipee) but there’s something that needs to be addressed in your relationship, and he needs to know.
Post # 7
I think you should take a step back and re-evaluate if you are ready to be getting married.
When you have been out of the dating game it’s normal to like when someone gives you attention with you not following through on that attention. However, it is not normal to:
- Still have feelings for someone especially someone you admit you’ve had a crush on since college
- Be nearly cheating on your FI/DH
- Insinuating making out with another man
- Dancing that intimately
Rule of thumb…if you wouldn’t want your FI/DH seeing you do it or would be afraid to tell them it’s probably a very bad idea.
Also, shame on him. He’s married.
Post # 8
I think attraction happens even if you are in love with someone. The fact that you chose not to act on it I think says more than feeling like you wanted to. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control your actions, which you did! I think that deserves some recognition! However, you did absolutely let it get too far and I think you know that. Now that you know about the danger of this “friendship”, don’t put yourself in this position again. It’s not worth the risk.
Post # 9
@PoeticDoveInLA exactly what she said.
I wouldn’t tell him your Fiance cause there is nothing to tell. I would ask yourself if you’re really ready to be married though. Sounds like you were having fun being “single”.
Post # 10
this sounds like a kind of party i used to go to back in high school. dont put yourself in that situation.
Post # 11
Thanks for the feedback everyone. It did make me think of being single. I haven’t been single since high school so that was kind of a rush. I now I wouldn’t have actually dome anything, but I was definitelyimagining what it would be like if I could have done something.
I plan to speak with someone at my church just to get some more feedback.
Thanks especially to those of youadmit mention that it’s normal to be attracted to someone else even when you aren’t single.
Post # 12
It is totally normal to be attracted to other people even while engaged and (later) married. But you have to be vigilant about not putting yourself in bad situations like the one you described. You know how people who have cheated always say, “I never thought it would be me” or “It can happen to anyone.” It’s true – it can. That’s why having solid boundaries is absolutely necessary.
For instance, if I was in a similar situation – knowing another man and I shared a mutual attraction – I would never be alone with him again, whether drinking or sober, and would lean toward severing the relationship entirely. If you play with fire, you will get burned.
I don’t know if it means “something” about your relationship or your readiness for marriage. That’s for you to decide.
Post # 13
if you feel you need to talk to someone about this (you mentioned your sister) i say no, only because secrets in a relationship are not good and if it was me, part of me would always be worried if she says something one day. i would suggest a counsellor if you really feel the need to discuss it and maybe down the track, with advise, your Fiance
although i cannot imagine being in a position like this, just because we are married or engaged doesnt mean we dont find other people attractive but the thing is to not to act on the impulse and you didnt. yes you are confused by wanting to but im guessing part of that is knowing that someone considers you attractive and its a ego boast
going forward i wouldnt want to spend time with this person, especially as he is also married and you are friendly with is wife
Post # 14
@MrsElopement: I agree with your post 100%.
While it is normal to feel attracted to other people, it is not normal to attend a party without your Fiance and proceed to flirt with a man and get thisclose to kissing him.
If the roles were reversed and your Fiance acted this way while you were away, how would you feel?
ETA- You mentioned that you knew if you wouldn’t have gotten caught, you would have cheated on your guy. Maybe you should ask yourself why that is and whether you’re ready to marry your Fiance althogether. If you’re not ready, that’s completely ok. However, you NEED to be honest with him about where you stand in your relationship- For his sake, but mostly for your own.
Post # 15
Your Fiance will never be able to offer you that “I’m with a new person” high feeling ever again, but what he can offer is worth so much more. What bothers me about you getting married is what you said about if you didn’t think you would get caught you would have gone through with it, because you’d be ready to live with the fact you cheated on your Fiance, even if he didn’t know? I’d give yourself some time to figure our what you want, and if that is truly your Fiance than you need to focus on your relationship. This means setting boundaries, and cutting out this guy completely from your life. It’s normal to be attracted to others even if you’re married – you have eyes – but it’s all on how you act on it. You should have backed out when things started getting touchy-feely before it suggusted the next level…take it as a learning lesson and move on.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
First, it is totally normal in general to find other people attractive and to be tempted. Now, certian people have personalities that cause them to never experience this, and it’s easy for those people to say that this is not normal. They are wrong. It is not normal for them, but they are actually the abnormal ones. The important thing is how you handle the situation and the steps you take to make sure these situations don’t have that many opportunities to arise. It sounds like you handled it well and you learned a lesson about dancing with attractive men while dirnking.