(Closed) I already know proposal date. Do you? Or did you?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

So my boyfriend and I have not technically discussed and agreed up dates, but I personally feel April 2017 is right for us because we will have the time to travel back to where our families live and announce in person our engagement. This aspect of the engagement is that which I consider the most exciting and meaningful, so to me the wait feels worth it. 

It is SO hard though. 

Post # 47
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

Mine is going to be a surprise, we’re waiting until after we get the ring.

Post # 49
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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anonp :  I’m so sorry he disappointed you, but given your previous posts, I’m not surprised that he once again lied to you.

What are you going to do?  Are you still with him?  Did he explain why he said he was going to propose in June and then backed out?

Post # 51
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Living Desert Zoo and Gardens

This part- “I was like, why did you even take me on a long weekend?! You lied to me. You led me on, AGAIN. And his reply was that he wanted me to have a taste of what it would feel like (the surprise of it all) when the right time came along. “

OH FORGET THAT. I’m angry FOR you here, Bee. Give you a taste of the surprise? So what, he can disappoint you again? That’s really, really, not okay. He’s toying with you here.

Here’s the thing. You can wait until October, and see if he pulls through this time. But he’s disappointed you again, and again, and again, and I don’t think that trend is going to change. Even if it does, do you want to be with someone who doesn’t put you as a priority, who knows he’s toying with your feelings, who you feel that’s just stringing you along til something better is there? I’m going to step out on a limb and when October comes around, he’ll say he feels pressured by you agian and that you’ve been building up stress on him for months, and that you need to wait for him to surprise you when the moment’s right. 

You can keep waiting if you really want to hold out on this, but with his repeated pattern of doing this to you, I think it’s just going to continue. Even if it doesn’t, and he does end up proposing in October, I think the resentment of wondering why it took him so long will outweigh any of the goodness of getting engaged. And that’s no way to start a marriage. 

I’m so, so sorry you have to deal with this, but I’d take a long, hard look at how you feel about this relationship and perhaps have one last long conversation with him about how he’s neglecting your needs and what a disappointment his broken promises have been to you. If he’s deeply regretful and sets up an actual plan to move forward, perhaps consider staying, but I would listen very carefully to how his actions aren’t lining up with what he’s telling you. 

Lots of hugs, Bee. 

Post # 53
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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anonp :  

 

I knew the date my fiancé was proposing to me. I just got engaged Friday and he told me when months before. I hate being caught off guard and wanted something to anticipate and he liked being able to plan stuff and shop and talk to my parents without the secrecy (he also is bad keeping secrets). I’m so thankful I knew the day, it made it so much better for me. People gave me a lot of crap for it but I didn’t care. 

Post # 55
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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anonp :  I would not want to marry a man whose word means nothing.  Who lies repeatedly.  Who takes me on an emotional rollercoaster for years with no reassurance of an end.  Who cares much more about himself and about the “perfect time” to propose than about my ragged feelings after years of waiting for him to commit to me.

To summarize, he’s a liar, he’s selfish, and he has no respect for you.  He is perfectly content to let you suffer the way you have suffered for YEARS without doing a simple thing–proposing–to make you happy.  Or else he knows you’re not The One, he doesn’t want to marry you, but still wants to have sex with you and enjoy your companionship before he eventually does meet someone he wants more.  Do you really want to marry a man like that?  You’re still young.  If you keep waiting for him, you will find yourself in your 40’s and still waiting.  By that time, it will be more challenging to find the man of your dreams and you may lose your chance for children.

You know what you need to do.

Post # 56
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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anonp :  I am so sorry that you are going through this with your boyfriend. I can’t even imagine how difficult that is. I hope that he does it soon if you decide to stay, however I do agree with the pp on the type of person he is being and hope you do reconsider. You deserve the best. 

Post # 58
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I was like, why did you even take me on a long weekend?! You lied to me. You led me on, AGAIN. And his reply was that he wanted me to have a taste of what it would feel like (the surprise of it all) when the right time came along. “

I’m sorry, Bee, but this does not ring true AT ALL to me. He wanted you to get a taste of what it would feel like? The only thing you got a taste of was being disappointed again.  Not only that, but given how you feel, it’s downright mean. My question is, how can he priviledge “waiting for the perfect time” over your emotional agony? The longer he waits, the less perfect his timing becomes, the more you suffer, and he risks losing you for good. He seems to be OK with this.

It’s never too late to start over in the relationship department, if that’s what you want. I started over in my late 30’s and had no problem whatsoever. I have several friends in their 40’s who are dating and have absolutely no problem finding men. It’s a myth that you have to lock down someone in your 20’s or it’s over for you. Just some thoughs.

 

Post # 59
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So, if you’re really not ready to leave the relationship, here’s what I would do. Tell him calmly that October (or whenever) is your deadline. Then drop it completely. Don’t argue about it, mention it, or ask what progresss he’s making on a proposal. Get on with your life. Get really busy with your own development. See friends more often, take French lessons, make a list of long-term goals and start pursuing them (I’m just throwing out what I would do). Don’t be consumed with this relationship. Let the rest of your life flourish. In your mind, be prepared to walk away the day after the deadline has passed because it probably will. No excuses. This way you will have made your wishes clear, not “pressured” him, and layed a foundation to take care of yourself and your life.

I realize this is easier said than done, but I hate to see this pattern repeating itself over and over. Sometimes you need to do something different to break out. Good luck, Bee.

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