(Closed) I also feel like venting …

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It’s his culture though, isn’t it? 

Post # 5
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry 🙁 that is a little odd if it came out of nowhere, I hope everything works out…

Post # 6
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Deep breath. In and out. There you go. Ok…

Your Mother-In-Law is bluffing with the whole "I’m not coming if you don’t have a band that represents my culture" thing. She will get over it and she will come. Is there another way you can honor your FI’s culture? Maybe a different wedding tradition or a special reading during the ceremony? Does the band take any breaks over the course of the evening? If so, maybe a few songs can be played via DJ during the break. Others might have better ideas if you tell us exactly what culture you’re dealing with. Maybe you can incorporate her culture in the rehearsal dinner? Have traditional cuisine served. I’m sure there are ways to compromise without giving up total control. Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

The ‘I wont come" thing is every mothers trump card.  IMO, its the same thing as little kids holding their breath until you give in.  If you Fiance is on your page, dont let Future Mother-In-Law hold you hostage,  It will set the stage for the rest of your life…If Fiance has decided he wants some representation of his culture, your stuck.  Make Future Mother-In-Law pay for it though…even if its not about the money…so tired of bossy FMILs. 

Post # 8
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I do think if there are some issues with your Future Mother-In-Law (and maybe your FI) not feeling that their culture is being honored you should find a way to do something you  *both* agree with.  I can see how having an ethnic band might conflict with the mood you are trying to create, though, so maybe it’s not worth displeasing yourself so much to go that route.  Is there any other way you can go about doing this like some of the above suggestions?

Also, not to make a mountain out of a molehill, it does sound like your FI’s family might be fairly tied to their cultural traditions.  This may, likely will, come up again (like how many you raise your kids).  It would be good to figure out exactly how he feels about his cultural heritage now, and how he wants to incorporate it into your lives together starting with your wedding.  I think for multi-cultural marriages it is crucial to discuss this as your planning for a life together.

Good luck with all of this.  Hiring a different band than what you want is a pretty big sacrifice, and I understand why you would be so upset.  I hope that you are able to find something that makes everyone happy without giving up so much.

Post # 9
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I absolutely embrace different cultures and their traditions so I would probably go with the flow on this and compromise on time/place of the band (i.e. only on breaks of the major band or after the reception, etc).  On the other hand, I understand your position in that you feel that people may not feel comfortable (even you and your FI), it doesn’t really fit with the overall theme of the wedding, plus the overall encompassing issue of the potentially overbearing mother law.

While I doubt she would really not attend the wedding, she may have a point…I am not really sure what their contribution to the wedding is (this may pay an important part of this as well) but it may be extremely important for them to have their culture represented.  Maybe your FIs cultural doesn’t play such an important role in his own life, but other culture may be just as important to other guests from his side as it is to his parents.  Remember they may feel just as awkward about your big band as you do about their cultural music.  I would really search for a compromise, because while it is important to have your envisioned day, its also extremely important to make sure all guests feel welcome, or it can make that perfect day end short.

You make a mention that "I am not doing anything to honor my culture", by all means if this really upsets you then I would incorporate something especially if it important to you. 

Lastly you say "ITS MY WEDDING."  Well honestly it is you and your FI’s wedding and most important part of the wedding is the union of the two of you in marriage and also the union of your families (which can be the union of cultures); it’s all about reasonable compromise and this is best achieved by open communication between all parties, so if it really bothers you and your Fiance, I would suggest that you both address the issue with the IL.

Good Luck!

Post # 10
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Does your Fiance want the ethnic band? If not, I say cancel it. You don’t have to appease your Future Mother-In-Law unless she’s ponying up the dough for it. I’d be super annoyed if I were you. I don’t like people dangling ultimatums over my head, no matter who they are. I’d only give her a smidgen of what she wants. Will there be lots of people from that culture at the wedding? Or will it literally be a small small handful of people dancing to whatever music it is and everyong else going "uhhhhhh".

Personally, I didn’t do anything that my parents or FI’s parents recommended. They were all, "it’s YOUR wedding, we already had ours." So it’s our wedding, they aren’t paying for it, and furthermore I don’t agree with their frivolous ideas of spending or how we should scrimp on EVERYTHING. My mom doesn’t think we need anything we are having, right down to the rehearsal dinner. Fi’s family keeps suggested these pricey things that i think are totally unecessary. If I wanted their 2 cents, I’d ask for it. So I just say, "nah, not my thing" or something. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, I don’t need everybody’s mom chiming in saying they want this or that or whatever and they won’t come if I don’t do what they want!

If your Fiance is gung-ho about it, I’d say you have to have it. If not, and he doesn’t want it…then WHY have it?! Believe me, if you start giving in now, it never stops…it’ll end up with your kids and all that other stuff. "I won’t come unless you have XYZ at so-and-so’s birthday party". I know it’s extreme…but you all haven’t met MY grandma. My mom is a very "nip it in the bud" kinda woman now, and I have to say, it usually works well for me so I don’t get walked all over. 

I like the idea of a cultural rehearsal dinner. That’s a great idea! Surely that would appease her. And ethnic food is always fun! 

Post # 12
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I agree with the other posts don’t have the band! it’s your wedding NOT hers! also about not coming it is exactly what a 4 yr old would do because when I was a nanny the little ones I watched would threaten stripping and run around naked.. this worked with their mother but not me! though I think a little nod to thier culture is nice… but if your fiancee is a-ok with not having it don’t do it… your Mother-In-Law will get over it!

Post # 13
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Mrs Hyman, I suspect she wants to make sure the traditional dances are done, yes? We opted for a CD of 5 songs we are going to play during the band’s break. Any chance she’d be ok with that?

 

Post # 15
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Well I don’t know your FI’s family so what I am about to say is a gross generalization based on my family. She probably isn’t going to let this go – ever. And she will probably hold it against you for a long long time. Have the band. It’s one hour, it’s worth years of peace with your Mother-In-Law.

And if you really want to get on her good side – ask her to have your family over one night so they can learn the dances. She will LOVE you if you do this.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk family traditions and dealing with this new culture. I’m happy to share.

Post # 16
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think this is something that maybe your Fiance should be handling with her…from what you’re saying, I don’t think there’s any way you can avoid looking like the bad guy with your Future Mother-In-Law if you are the one dealing with her.  If the issue is that you and your Fiance disagree, then I think you both need to come to terms with that before talking to her.  Of course, you always have the option of calling her bluff and seeing what happens, but I suspect that will be more stress than you need.

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