I am 34 and SO is 31. Dated for 3 years, he says he needs to learn more about me

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

Gaah. Sorry, Bee. Good for you for not letting this man waste any more years. You’re now free to find someone who wants to share a list of all the great things about you that make him want to spend the rest of his life with you. 

Post # 17
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

Don’t talk today.  You’ve told him it’s over, what’s left to discuss?

Post # 19
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

newbee85 :  oh yeah? Ask him point blank WHEN. WHEN will he marry you? Early next year? The spring? Summer? When does he want kids? In a year? 2? You don’t have time to waste. Take control of your life and stop letting him lead you on with empty promises. Before you know it you’ll be nearing 40, sad and anxious because he still won’t be sure you’re “the one”, and your fertility will have plummeted. Meanwhile he will have time to date that 25 year old he’s had his eye on. You need to make your goals of having a family and husband your first priority- he’s just not that into you so stop giving him more time.

Post # 20
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t want to marry someone with a big long list of things he doesn’t like and want to change about me, even if he did say yes to marriage and family.

This should be the best time of your relationship, talking about a future and all the possibilities, getting excited about spending the rest of your lives with your favourite person, making plans (yes including moving) that should be exciting! Like “I can’t wait!”

NOT “hmm I don’t know I need to think about logistics” or worse “I need to get to know you more”, like 3 years wasn’t long enough? Clearly he’s known you enough to have a big a** list of things about you he doesn’t like!

What he really means is give me more time to see if I can turn you into the woman I really want or to meet someone else.

Don’t waste anymore time on him! 

Post # 21
Member
3203 posts
Sugar bee

What an asshole. If you want to be with someone, you figure out the logistics; not the other way around.

You are a strong woman for seeing through his bullshit and moving on. 

Post # 22
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

I think you are wasting time with him. So sorry. 

Post # 23
Member
26 posts
Newbee

To him: BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 

 

You deserve better!

Post # 24
Member
26 posts
Newbee

New title, I am 34 and single and thriving

Post # 25
Member
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

newbee85 :  He wanted to learn more about you. Now he gets to learn what it’s like when you dump someone.

I’m sorry he couldn’t give you the answers you hoped for from him. But I’m glad that you sound clear about what you want and need from a relationship and resolved that he’s clearly not offering it. So it’s time to move on.

Good luck. Maybe in the future, he can also learn what it’s like to hear you have married and are expecting a baby with a man who recognized what he had in you and was able to make the commitment.

ETA- I have heard this thing where men supposedly feel so concerned about being an insert-a-groom- when a woman is pushing for marriage and/or kids because she is ready for kids. That is not an unrealistic concern – I know more than a couple women who decided that the person they were with was going to be the father of their kids because they believed they didn’t have time to find someone else “better”. But it IS something that we need to consider and it’s wise of you to recognize his stalling and reticence for what they are- they do not serve you or your goal to be a wife and mother.

Post # 26
Member
3931 posts
Honey bee

Gee, just what everyone wants out of a vacation – a long list of all the ways they’re inadequate. What did you follow this exciting event with? It should have been zip lining, with him on a very weak and rusry cable.

 

TwilightRarity :  I think that when you’ve been with someone for 3 years, saying a woman is using a man as a sperm factory is kind of ridiculous. A man who levels this accusation at a woman is more likely not to want to have kids but wont come out and say so. But he will make it your fault!

OP, you’re rearranging the lounge  chairs on the Titanic.  Talking about the same things over and over isn’t going to bring you the result you want. He’s going to keep dancing away from a commitment and making it your fault. Drop this guy already. Financially he’s a grownup. Emotionally he’s stuck in his teens somewhere.

Post # 27
Member
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

sunburn :  I don’t know. It’s possible that he just doesn’t really want kids himself. But it’s also true that a woman in her thirties who is in a multi-year long relationship is more likely to feel the pressure of time if she wants to have kids. The women I know who decided to “settle” on the guy they were with were also women in their thirties who wanted marriage and kids and didn’t want to go look for another guy since their guy was good enough. It’s a time based decision. I’m not saying that’s what OP was doing or that her guy isn’t an ass, just that I do know it happens. I’m not mad about it. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding that a certain person is a good match at a given moment. Women need to take a lot of things into consideration- especially when they want to become a mother and will, therefore, have one or several people completely dependent on them for many years.

Post # 30
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ozbee :  

Totally agree.

Maintaining a list of all of the ways that your partner is less than sounds more than a little narcissistic.

ETA: Reading the latest update makes me think this guy reeks of narcissism.  And, that little memory game—gaslighting.

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