I am 36 he is 31 together for over 2 years and waiting

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

No one ever feels “old enough” to do the things adults do.  I’ll perpetually feel like I’m 21.  But being scared/nervous/feeling immature hasn’t stopped me from living my life.  That’s what emotionally developed adults do.  You assess whether your reluctance is just from fear, or from a lack of desire to actually do the thing you’re considering.  Then you either leap, or don’t. 

I suggest setting yourself a timeline and figuring out if you’re willing to walk if he doesn’t show some progress by then.  At 31, after over 2 years of dating and discussions about marriage, he should know.  Good luck, bee.

Post # 3
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You can’t make someone who isn’t ready for marriage cave simply because you have a time limit.  Life simply doesn’t work that way.  You need to decide what’s most important for YOU and then decide exactly how long you’re willing to wait for it.  Then have a sit down and ask him how much more time he needs to be ready.  If you two can agree on a timeline, great!  If not, maybe you both need to reevaluate the relationship.

For what its worth, at 36 you should know by now that life doesn’t give a fig about your personal time lines.  You could start TTC today and not get pregnant until 6 years from now or not at all.  You’re putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and its not going to end well if you keep that up.  

Post # 4
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel like you need to talk openly about this. You should be able to answer questions like:

Why isn’t he ready? Why does he think his reasons for not being ready are illogical? What does it mean when he says he doesn’t “feel” old enough? What does he expect to feel? Does he see himself getting married? Is that with you? When does he see himself getting married? If he doesn’t have a specific timeline, why not? Are there mitigating circumstances (ex. not having a stable job) or does he have cold feet? What does he think would make him feel ready to get married? Is he more generally immature in other areas of his life?

How have you expressed your desire for marriage to him? What have those conversations been like? What have you both agreed upon in the end? Are you compatible in terms of values, desires, and goals?

I suspect a lot of Bees are going to tell you that he doesn’t want to marry you (anytime soon or ever) and that you should move on. And that is certainly a possibility, but I would personally gather information first before making that evaluation.

Post # 8
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Imogen:  Yeah, I don’t understand that response either.  Ultimately you have to decide what you’re comfortable with.  Agree with the other bees that some open and honest conversations are in order, for sure.  Like – what does that mean?  “I know but I’m not ready.”  Explain, sir.  Like, maybe get engaged but wait to get married?  I’d just want some further explanation.  His feelings are valid, but he needs to clearly articulate them to you.

Post # 9
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

I’m in a similar position except timelines and expectations have been set and agreed on. I’m 34 and SO is 29 so same age difference and we’ve also been together 2 years. I think at this point you need to set clear expectations and if those can’t be met, then you have to really decide if this is a relationship worth continuing. I also wasted my 20s with the wrong guys and now at 34 I don’t want to make the same mistakes (I’m divorced). I told SO I expected to move in at 1 year together (we did), buy a home by the end of 2020 (working on it, 10 failed offers and counting), get engaged before my 35th birthday and start trying for a baby by the end of 2021. I know it’s tough as sometimes I feel like I know he’s younger and I can’t help feeling my age sometimes. The thing is relationships take compromise and when we got together I told him I had expectations. Good luck bee!

Post # 10
Member
10599 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If he can’t tell you literally anything other than “I don’t feel ready” with no other explanations or conversation I would not feel secure in waiting around for him to magically wake up one day and feel ready. 

 

Post # 11
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
@Imogen:  That is why I’m pushing on you getting clear on what you want and how long you’re willing to wait for it FIRST.  This is your dealbreaker you’re deciding on bee.  Then have a come to Jesus with him.  If he cannot even give you a timeline then honestly bee he’s wasting your time and you need to think about moving on.

Quick note…..guys WILL tell you everything you want to hear to get you to shut up even when they’ve already made the decision that they don’t want to marry you.  Its about THEIR COMFORT not what’s best for you both.  At some point you’ll decide whether or not he’s stringing you along and the best way to determine that is his ability to be honest and frank with you.  If you feel like you’re being lied to chances are that you ARE being lied to.

What does your gut say?  Pay attention to it because it knows better than you do.

Post # 12
Member
13613 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’d tell him that not being ready is a “no” to you at this point and that if he’s not willing to commit, or appreciate your need to waste no more time, then he leaves you no choice and you will have to move on. 

Post # 13
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee

Specifically considering your age of 36 and assuming you want children, OP, if at 31 and after 2 years he is clamming up about timelines for engagement then I don’t think this is going to work out. 

It would be totally different if he was happy to discuss and commit to a timeline and you just needed to narrow down a more specific timeline with him but that is clearly not the case

Im sorry bee but if he’s that uncomfortable just talking about a timeframe for engagement then I don’t think he will be ready any time soon, if at all.

Post # 14
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

I think hearing ” I want to marry you of course, but not yet, and I don’t know why”is a hard pill to swallow. But of course it is, it’s an answer with no answers. It doesn’t leave you in a spot with something to work on, goals to accomplish first, timeframe for waiting, or leave room for compromise. It’s saying trust me even though I can’t give you answers. You’re the one for me.. later, almost probably! Not saying sometimes people doesn’t more time to be ready, but when the only reason is yes, but not yet, and I can’t pinpoint it yet – I get skeptical. 

Post # 15
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You say you’ve brought it up in a ” gentle, loving way”.  Maybe I’m off here, but that sounds like you’re trying to tip toe around someone you’re afraid will spook if you have a direct, adult conversation.

At thirty one years old, a grown man ought to be able to have a conversation about your shared future. And if he’s not, I would seriously have to consider if he would make a suitable life partner. 

If he’s not ready, that’s fine, but he needs to put on his big boy pants and talk with you about it.  He needs to articulate what is holding him back and whether or not he is taking steps to get ready.  Or is he just hoping he will get up one day and magically be ready? 

Maybe you should stop worrying about being “gentle and loving” in your approach and just lay out your reality, especially if you want children. 

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