I am 36 he is 31 together for over 2 years and waiting

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
852 posts
Busy bee

If you need to tip toe then you are premature for marriage. Your forever person should be someone you can be open about EVERYTHING with. Need time for growth. 

Post # 17
Member
7705 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Realistically, you knew he was 5 years younger going in, too, and men are often ready for marriage later than women are. Unless you specifically discussed the relationship moving toward marriage at the outset, you had to know you were taking a risk. 

I think you need to take control of your life and decide what you want. Are you willing to wait for him if it means sacrificing having children? Is HE willing to sacrifice the possibility of having children? You need to be blunt and tell him what’s at stake and that you cannot afford to wait forever. No more being “gentle.”

Post # 18
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If you want kids I wouldn’t just have the marriage conversation.  I would have the kids conversation, kids are important to me I am 36, I am not getting any younger. When do you see us having kids?

At this point, you have to decide if you are okay with, I am not ready. “I don’t know when I’ll be ready.”

To him, what is feeling ready to get married? Is it the same as wanting to get married? Why doesn’t he want to get married right now? What in life would change if you walked into the courthouse tomorrow? What’s he afraid of changing? Will he ever be ready? If it takes years are you okay with that?

If he could tell you concrete details as to why he doesn’t feel ready and what would make him feel ready. And you two were working towards them that would be one thing but being vague is another. I am older than H, we want kids so we talked about how many we want and when we should start and worked backward to when we should be getting married and engaged. At 31, he is a grown adult and should be able to have a real conversation with you.

Personally I haven’t felt “ready” for most things. I don’t feel “old enough” for a lot of things but I am and I do them. 

 

Post # 19
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know I want to marry you but not right now and I don’t know why’ is a perfectly understandable statement for a 20 year old man.  That same statement coming from a man 30 plus years old is completely different, IMO.  

I think he loves you, doesn’t see you breaking up anytime soon, and may very well decide he wants to marry you in the future.  However his ‘not right now and I don’t know why’ is BS at his age.  Every male friend I have who is that old and I have asked why they’re not marrying their girlfriend has told me ‘I’m just not sure about her, maybe there is a better match for me’.  Every single one.  

Some do end up marrying that girlfriend.  Most did not either because the Girlfriend got fed up and left, they decided she was ‘crazy’ because she wouldn’t stop insisting on what she wanted (while they’re telling the women they want the same thing but never actually doing it which would drive anyone insane), or they meet someone else that they realize is they one’ they’ve been waiting for.

Im sure he loves you.  I’m sure he can’t imagine being with someone else because he hasn’t met anyone better than you.  If you wait around long enough for him to realize there isn’t someone better than he’ll probably ask.  The big issue here is that he’ll be settling.  Men can be perfectly happy in the type of relationship.  You’ve just got to realize he’s not asking you right now for a reason and he knows what that reason is.

Post # 20
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This whole situation sounds very frustrating and of course is going to have a huge impact on your emotions. Crying should be considered okay for emotional discussions.

Plus, the fact that you’re saying it would be a dead-end discussion and nervous to bring this up to him is a huge red flag to me. You should be able to discuss anything with your spouse, and I’m sure you know that. 

If he’s not giving you any reasonable explanations, doesn’t want to discuss the topic, doesn’t want to talk about a timeline… then there is no indication that he would be ready anytime soon. It just doesn’t give you any reassurance or anything to work on. Like you said, it’s a dead-end discussion and you deserve more than that. If someone is giving you a dead-end discussion then they will not be ready to marry you soon and possibly not ever. There is no way to know when a person like that would ever be ready. 

Whatever the case may be, you deserve to know the truth. You have been together for 2 years and it’s a reasonable time to talk about the future together. Stop trying to be gentle like a PP said… your boyfriend is not a child, he is an adult and should be adult enough to have this discussion. Get the truth out so you can look at what it is and decide what to do with your time. The worst thing would be for you to be strung along, and that’s a definite possibility if you don’t have an open and honest discussion about all of this. I know it’s going to be hard, but do this for the future you. Especially if you want to have biological children, you really have no time to waste.

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@Imogen:  

Post # 21
Member
852 posts
Busy bee

This definitely warrants a conversation and immediately action… whether its getting married asap or you starting a new life without him to find your mr. right! There is no other way that should be to your comfort. You have no time to chill and play house with him furthermore. 

Post # 22
Member
10003 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@frenchie0586:  

l just remembered your post from 6 months back when you were feeling as if life had left you behind. I remember to your rather brave and positive responses to posters . I am glad things are going better, apart from the wretched housing market of course! You don’t mention marriage in your projected timeline though, only moving in, engagement and trying for a baby . I very much hope you have not compromised by giving up something you really want and l hope too you will have a watertight financial set up when the house finally happens ! 

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@Imogen:  Sorry for derailing OP, l just got this anxious feeling about you and frenchie who sound like lovely and undemanding women. I worry that you will have your feelings and real wishes and desires buried under your men’s dilatoriness re marriage.  

Post # 23
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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@elderberry:  awww thank you! Your post means so much! 

You’re right! I totally forgot to mention that in my post! Yes marriage is included in that I just didn’t mention it as I just want to go to city hall! We plan to do that likely within the same month of getting engaged! 

Thank you for your kind words 🙂

Post # 24
Member
10003 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@frenchie0586:  

Yay, a happy ending ! So glad. 

Post # 25
Member
10 posts
Newbee

Where are his friends at in their relationships. If they arnt in a similar position of engaged or married than he may be going with their pace. My fiancé and I are both 34 and we have a handful of conversations about marriage before he proposed. I was trying to be self aware of not bringing up the topic too often to feel like I’m applying pressure, however I wanted to understand where he is in our relationship. He expressed he wanted to live together first and make sure we are compatible in a 24/7 situation. 6 months into living together he proposed. During covid. 

so he may have a mental check list in his mind that he wants to work through that he may not be open sharing. He may not even be aware of it. But I think once he knows he knows. 

maybe bring up the conversation every few months just to check in but in a gentle way without saying why haven’t you proposed yet. Or ask him is there a stage you want us to be at together before you feel comfortable. He could even be saving for a dream ring. There could be a thousand reasons. In your gut (I would say with your head not your heart) if you think it will come then be patient. 

Post # 26
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Thank you for posting this. I thought I was alone.

I’m 34, he’s 31, been together for 5 years. He was clear early on that he wanted to be married, then have kids. He has great parents who are still married so he’s had this positive outlook on it. I’ve never met my dad and was basically raised by my grandparents and watched my mom be married to a man for 20 years who treated her like a roommate and suddenly left her a few years back. So marriage definitely wasn’t a thing I really cared too much about as long as I didn’t end up in a situation like that. I met my bf who has been my longest relationship ever and I started reconsidering some things.

We have had our issues and actually almost ended for good last year but got back on track. As we were healing his baby sister (24ish) got engaged last Thanksgiving which shook things up for us and sparked a much needed conversation. He said he didn’t feel like we would be ready for marriage until I got my finances right. He’s really good with money and worries about not having enough and wants to make sure that both parties can handle things, which is fair. Nothing is cheap! I just moved out on my own 2 years ago and have been unlearning my family’s negative money behaviors. He’s been very understanding and supportive of this but I couldn’t help but to feel like it’s an excuse to buy him more time. Let him tell it he was thinking about going ring shopping last year but our fall out messed that up (which I don’t believe).

Also his other younger sister (he’s the oldest) has a baby which suddenly made him change his “marriage then baby carriage” outlook which I’m not okay with. I definitely let him know that I’m not having kids until I’m married then I told him I really don’t want kids past age 35. Maybe he’ll stop dragging his feet, maybe he won’t. But I had to share what I want/need too and had to stop being scared to talk about it (trust me I know it’s hard!!). 

He’s been living with me since COVID, helps out on bills, etc. I’m fine with this so we can see if maybe we can do this in a marriage. Being in these close quarters we sometimes haven’t had a choice but to talk lol. I still feel like there’s more to discuss with him but don’t want to nag either. We’ve done some couples counseling but life got in the way. We are starting up again soon. I know that will be helpful.

Post # 27
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry Bee, I know exactly how frustrating this can be. I just broke up with my boyfriend/best friend of three years and he literally would say the same thing. “I know I want a future with you, you’re the only one I’ve seen myself with but I am not ready.” It hurts, it really does confuse you because you think, “well, if you know, then F-ing seal the deal! Put a ring on it and let’s get on with our lives.” I was very direct with my frustrations because I’m not patient and was tired of doubting myself, I would recommend doing the same… stop this “bringing it up lovingly,” he’s not a child and put yourself first as this is also your life & future. Tell him you are aware a timeline makes him uncomfortable but this lack of clarity is also messing up the relationship, it can feel like a betrayal and the resentment starts building up.

“I’m 36, children are important to me and I feel ready to take the next step with you, I need you to think hard and dig deep as to why you feel you’re not ready and to respect me and love me enough to let me go if you can’t commit and give me what I need. I can wait for another 3-6 months for a proposal, here are some rings I like and you can do as you’d like. I’d also like our engagement to be no longer than x.” 

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