- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
…for a number of reasons. This will be long.
Our wedding is planned for September 30th. We were planning something small with only family and a few friends. I didn’t really want to do this, but my Fiance did. So, I figured this was a good compromise. The closer it gets, the more stressed out I am. To the point where it’s starting to affect everything else in my life. My Fiance sees me slowly falling apart and suggested we just elope.
Now maybe some people might ask why I’m such a mess. There are the usual everyday stresses. We both work. We have children from our prior marriages. There are bills, bills and more bills. It seems like everytime we turn around, there is something else that comes up financially and I’m not just talking about the wedding. Also, this isn’t the first marriage for either of us.
Then there is my daughter. My 5 year old daughter has autism. She’s come so far in the last year, but she still has problems with a number of things in life. In the last couple of months, we’ve had events to go to and decided to take her. She’s been doing so well, we figured it was time to try again. Well, things didn’t go well for us at those events. Leading up to them, she was a wreck and at them, she had big meltdowns. It’s really hard to watch her struggle. On top of that, she’s always had troubles with transitions. Right now, school is finishing up for her. She has to say goodbye on Tuesday to her teachers, aides and therapists she’s worked with for two years, because in the fall she starts kindergarten. Kindergarten means a big change for her in September. That’s 4 weeks before our wedding. I am already worried about it, because I know what we all go through with the changes. Basically, a lot of changes for her in a short period of time means challenging behaviors until she adjusts. I know that I will be more stressed about how she’s doing rather than focusing on getting married on September 30th. We don’t really have a lot of help outside of our home with her, so it’s not like I can ask someone to take care of her while at the wedding. I’m not blaming her for anything and I love her just the way she is. It’s just with everything we do in life, we always have to consider ahead of time how she may react. Normal everyday life, things we take for granted can be challenging for her. Anything out of the ordinary and we really cannot predict what is going to happen. I don’t know how to even go about explaining wedding to her or even preparing her for it. She isn’t a typical 5 year old. For example, her birthday was a few weeks ago and this was the first year she was aware of it. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to comprehend that birthdays are only once a year and continues to talk about how we are going have another birthday party for her every weekend…lol.
Then, there are our families. My mom is a mess. It’s a long story, but she’s an addict. I would have to invite her to the wedding, because if I didn’t she would hold a grudge until the day she dies. She won’t torture me about it though, she will just torture my siblings and talk badly about me for years to come. It’s what my siblings and I have dealt with our entire adult lives. I don’t know how she would show up…normal or high? I cringe at the thought. It’s sad, but I can actually admit that I’d rather she not be there. My FI’s family is a little complicated too. His brothers live in other states. I feel bad about asking them to spend thousands of dollars to travel with their families, when what we’ve planned is really not a big deal. His mom also lives in another state. My Fiance isn’t close to her at all. I’ve only met her once, so there is some awkwardness with that relationship. His dad lives nearby us, but we only see him a few times a year. I think he’s great. Except, he has a weird situation going on in his home life (another long story) and it sort of makes me uncomfortable to deal with at the wedding. My Fiance and I have 3 teenage boys between us. The 3 of them could give two shits about a wedding right now. LOL
Friends? We don’t have a whole lot of them. My best friend moved to VA 5 years ago. I saw her a couple of weeks ago (for a few hours) when she was visiting the area and realized our connection seems to be broken. She’s changed, I’ve changed and a lot of time has passed. It just isn’t the same. She talks about coming up in September for the wedding, but after all this time I am not even sure I want her there either. It makes me sad to admit that, but it’s how I feel.
Then there’s money. We’ll save quite a bit by eloping. We won’t lose much with deposits if we do cancel either.
Lastly, there is the fact that I don’t like being the center of attention… ever!
So, we’ve talked about it and I think we’ve agreed to elope in August. Our plan is to take the day out of work midweek and drive to CT to tie the knot, alone. I am hesitant to say this is what I want to do 100%, because I feel some guilt. I feel like we’ll be letting people down. I don’t like to disappoint people. My Fiance said the other day that it’s not about everyone else, it’s about the two of us and that I shouldn’t feel guilty.
I don’t want to tell anyone this is what we are going to do until after we do it. That’s why I’m telling you all. I just needed to get it off my chest. If you’re read all of this babble, you rock and thank you!