(Closed) I am a glutton for punishment

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 19
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have sympathy for you. It’s a really destructive thing when marriages end, especially marriages with children. You need to get child support from him. You need to get divorced. I don’t understand the vitriol from other posters.

I will tell you this. It’s going to hurt to hear, but here it is. This man does not love you. It is not because you are defective. This man may not ever know how to love anyone.

The people who matter right now are your children. They do love you, and they need you. Focus on them and make sure they have what they need. In ten years, this man isn’t going to matter much to you. Those kids will still be there.

Post # 21
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? They will learn by example. If you let yourself be treated this way, they will grow up thinking that it’s okay to treat other people and be treated like that. Is that the life you want for them? You should know better.

Don’t see him, don’t let him push you around, don’t respond to his texts, don’t engage with him at all. Get a restraining order if you need to. Child support is not something he gets to negotiate with you, and it’s not something you need to discuss with him at all. It is a legal requirement. How dare he threaten you for trying to make sure that his children are provided for. What a horrible excuse for a human being. You need to protect your children from this man who won’t take care of his children and who treats their mother so horribly. You can’t fix a marriage with someone like this. The only choice left to you is whether to make things worse for your kids by prolonging this drama, or whether to make it better for them by removing yourself from this mess.

What he says doesn’t matter. You need to stop listening to him. He is selfish and a liar and indifferent to the wellfare of his children. You will never be enough for him, and you will never make him happy, because the problem is with him. If you don’t learn to shut him out and to move on and to do what is right for your kids, they will grow up to despise you or to make the same mistakes as you or both.

Good luck.

Post # 22
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@AngryBee21:  I am sorry but I am about to give you some tough love. You should be ASHAMED of yourself!! C’mon now! You are nothing but some booty at this point and I’m sure you know that. He is stringing you along in case he gets whatever he needs out of his system and decide to play house with you for a bit. And to quote you, he will keep “having his cake and eating it too”

 

Think about your children. Do you want them to grow to have relationships like this? Or that this is how it should be. NO! Get your backbone together and get tough. Enough is enough. Set a better example for your babies.

Post # 23
Member
9799 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@AngryBee21:  I’m sorry, but it is pretty obvious he doesn’t love you or respect you, he’s using you for sex and help.  It’s not your fault, that’s just who he is.  It seems he’s still a child, but he won’t change.  Do you want to be this kind of example for your children?  Is this really the type of life you want to live?

You really need to get it together and cut off contact with him.  At this point all communcation should be going through your lawyers.  Why don’t you ask your lawyer for some advice on what to do as far as communcation?  He can’t threaten you with not paying child support, that is not his choice, it’s the courts.

At this point, the fact that you’re in this situation is entirely your own fault.  I can’t even blame him.  You put up with it and let him do whatever he wants, why the hell would he change?!  He has NO REASON TO.

GET OVER IT.  Stop sleeping with him or helping him!  STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!

Post # 25
Member
9941 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@AngryBee21:  Glad to hear you have filed for divorce.  Divorce sucks and it’s brutal but in the long run you are going to be so glad to be rid of him. This man is toxic to your life and you deserve better.  Cut ties with him in every way possible except what he has to do with your kids.  No contact!  The more you keep contact with him and have sex with him the more you are just torturing yourself.  Think of it as weaning yourself from an unhealthy addiction, because that is exactly what it is.  I think you should get some counseling for yourself to help deal with the grief of your divorce.  I’ve been there and I know it’s not easy.  But he’s trying to keep you tied to him sexually and you need to break that bond – permanently.  He wants to fuck you and still be allowed to fuck anyone else he chooses to too.  You deserve better than that!!

Post # 26
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@AngryBee21:  

Ok, wow… I don’t know what to say or where to start. I’ve followed your posts from the beginning always hoping they’d get  better.  Which, it sounds like they are, but in some ways they aren’t. You’re in a classic abuse situation, which you already know.  YOU made him do this; it’s YOUR fault; if YOU had/hadn’t done “x”, he would have/have not done “y”; threats, projecting, etc… the list goes on and on and on and on.  You can’t control someone else’s behavior, only yours. If you did have as much control over his actions as he’s giving you credit for, I highly doubt you would make him act like this!  

Kudos for growing a pair and removing yourself from the situation! That is ridiculously hard to do in an abusive situation.  You said it yourself, you finally got a pair of juevos and are now ready to use them!  Keep with that mentality!  His needs/wants are not your problem anymore. You’ve decided to move on. No more running to his rescue because his damn furnace went out or because he wants a peice of ass.  Your only concerns at this point are your children and yourself.  He only comes into the equation as their father; merely a sperm donor at this point. He isn’t worthy of even an ex-husband title, dear. 

Using your children as blackmail against you is beyond messed up.  That makes me question his ability to be a healthy parent for your kiddos.  Surely you don’t want them growing up thinking this is acceptable behavior?  Kids are often more perceptive than adults give them credit for; don’t let his toxicity leak through into their little minds and hearts.  

Think about a time when you were daydreaming of love, marriage, family and all that jazz.  How did you envision it being? I highly doubt it was like this.  Don’t sell yourself short and continue to let him hurt you. Bullies only bully (which is precicely what he is!) when they feel they can get away with it.  They’re the biggest cowards out there!  Give yourself time to step back, reset and use this as a learning experience for what you are and are not willing to put up with next time.  Establish boundaries for yourself and your relationship and make a promise to you and your children (mentally) that you will not tolerate ANYONE that crosses those lines. Eventually you will find happiness with another that treats you well and doesn’t dictate that sex every night is a stipulation for marriage.

How can someone love you and make love to you then sleep with some sk**K that same night.”  Because he isn’t making love to you. He is using you.  I’m sorry if that seems harsh but it’s reality.  I don’t know you from Adam, but it sounds like you really tried, you put yourself out there and did everything you can to make it work. But it didn’t.  Honey, I don’t treat people I love, don’t love, like or even DESPISE the way he’s treating you. Teach your children, ESPECIALLY if you have little girls, that they don’t have to put up with this sort of behavior when they’re older.  

You can do it!! You’ve already taken two huge steps in the right direction. Moving out and filing for divorce. Follow through, don’t forget you’re a strong person, and the hell with him. He’ll go on being miserable for the rest of his life if he wants to keep blaming others for his problems. Not your problem anymore though.  

My thoughts are with you. =)

Post # 27
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You don’t have to take his abuse. What would you do if someone you barely knew started verbally or physically assaulting you? You would avoid contact at all costs. You would cut them out of your life and if they continued to threaten or hurt you you’d call the police.

Don’t give him openings to hurt you. Any contact between you should be all business–about the kids or the divorce, nothing else. Don’t let him inside your house; don’t give him an opportunity to touch you. If he won’t stop texting you, change your phone number and only let him contact you via email. Keep records of his threatening texts/voicemails/emails. If he tries to intimidate you, call the police.

I’m not an expert by any means. These people are: 1-800-799-SAFE. Please, PLEASE, call them.

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