- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
This is my first post after browsing this site and coming across a confessions post.
I have something to confess and it makes me sick to think about. I know i will be judged and i know i deserve every bit of abuse i get from this but i need to share.
* warning- very long *
4 years ago my cousin got married. I had never met the guy before her wedding but he seemed nice.
A few weeks later her husband added me as a friend on facebook which i accepted. This was nothing out of the ordinary as we were now family.
At the time i had recently gone through a breakup and my cousins husband thought it a great idea to hook me up with one of his mates. I was feeling down about myself and he assured me i was beautiful and any guy would love to be with me.
Our innocent conversation quickly turned into him confessing that he thinks he married the wrong cousin. I was shocked by what he had just said and didnt speak to him again.
The following year my other cousin got married. i Knew this guy was going to be there but it had been so long since we spoke i thought nothing of it.
He came over to me whilst i was returning from the loo and told me how beautiful i looked. He mentioned that his wife had the same dress but it looked better on me. i didnt know what to say i simply replied thank you and walked on but have to admit that something about him made my heart skip a beat. Maybe it was because i knew it was wrong, or maybe i just needed some attention.
I know i shouldnt have but i sent him a message on facebook a few days later. We spoke for ages and our conversation grew out of control quickly.
These conversation went on for a year with no other interaction other than online. i felt bad but i craved his attention.
In the meantime i met a guy myself, we got on great and things moved very quickly. We moved in together and got engaged but i was still messaging my cousins husband. I couldnt help it i was obsessed.
when I found out that him and his wife were expecting a baby i tried to back off and focus on my own relationship but i couldnt do it. I had started to have feelings for him. He often told me that he wished it was me he was having a baby with and i have to admit i was jealous of them.
How could i have such strong feeligns for a guy i only really interacted with online and at occassional family parties? It was always very difficult when it came to family gatherings and i had to keep my feelings to myself, but we always shared glances across the room and knew what each other was thinking. My fiance had never ever suspected anything out of the ordinary.
Every time we spoke online he asked me if i wanted to meet up. i always found an excuse because although i wanted to i knew i could never go through with anything although i was already cheating by having these conversations online i didnt want to physically cheat on my fiance.
He started getting annoyed because he wanted to get together and i was always making excuses but i told him that nothing physical would happen unless he broke up with his wife and i broke up with my fiance.
The bad thing about facebook is people being able to read your status’s. He realised i was house sitting for my parents one time and knew my fiance wasnt with me. He turned up at the doorstep.
I was shocked to see him but didnt turn him away. We chatted for a while and things eventually got out of hand, he kissed me and it was amazing. i have never kissed anyone with such passion before, not even my fiance. We went upstairs and although we never actually slept together, we did other things which should never have happened. I found out a few weeks later that his wife, my cousin was 12 weeks pregnant. I felt sick. How could i do that to her. how could HE do that to his pregnant wife? how could i do that to my fiance?
I havent spoken to him since but did see him at his wifes baby shower which was very awkward.
I have carried this guilt for so long now i dont know what to do. Should i tell my cousin? Thats a retorical question really, i know i need to tell my cousin, but its going to break them apart.
Yes i knew what i was doing, yes i know it was wrong, but it happened and i cant change that. I know my family will hate me but i cant keep this secret anymore. I still have feelings for the guy but i have now blocked him on facebook so i cant contact him.
I have already confessed everything to my fiance. It was hard to do and I honestly thought it would be the end of us, but he wants to go to councilling and work things out. I dont think i can stay with him but thats another story.
Bring on the hate…..