(Closed) I am about to flip out. Am I wrong here?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

She is a crazy person. You need to stop fretting about her and just create as much distance as possible. Just invite her as neccessary and just smile and nod. Don’t take the bait about the kids shoes. Leave it be- I bet they’ll show up with shoes on. Stop trying to include her- you tried so you don’t need to feel bad. Your plan needs to be straight smile and nod from here on out. 

Post # 18
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Why the heck would your fiance even care at this point about having her there?  She’s such a self-centered, bitchy drama queen.  

Post # 19
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

@CakeyP:  +1

I would have gone off on her a long time ago. My Fiance can do whatever he wants with his own family, but I’ll be damned if I let them talk to and treat me like shit. Peace outttttt.

Post # 20
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You are NOT wrong or overreacting in any way! You have actually been immensely patient with all of her antics, when she couldn’t have enough respect to even speak nicely to you and your Fiance. In any relationship, when you realize that you’re working much harder than the other person and putting way more into it, you have to STOP and ask yourself why? Why are you bending over backward to make her happy, when she’s unwilling to give you anything in return except negative crap and stress? 

Post # 21
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@BriansBride:  Geeze. . . you’ve handled this really maturely so far.

Advice:

Don’t engage her by fighting back. She wants to cause drama for some reason and is going to keep acting like this to get a rise out of you.

How I would respond:

I would send another email because you can go back and edit what you want to say before sending it. This helps keep it polite and civil – plus, it provides a paper trial of what has actually been said and can be used later as proof if she decides to lie more.

Keep it short, simple, and polite:

“Dear [ Enter her name here ],

I’m sorry that you don’t seem to want your children included in the wedding. As their mother, you of course have every right to make that decision and we will respect any decision you reach. If you do decide that you would like them to be included in the Wedding Party, then please know that any shoes they are comfortable wearing are acceptable.

[ FI’s name ] and I look forward to seeing you at the wedding on the 28th.

Sincerely,

BriansBride”

Short, simple, and polite. It leaves the ball in her court and makes her responsible for whether or not her children are included. And it leaves you guys looking like the better [wo]man in the situation.

Other than that, I agree with PPs who said that you and Fiance need to have very long talk after the wedding about how much contact you maintain with Future Sister-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law. I know that they are his family, but you guys need to seriously consider whether it is healthy for the two of you to continue contact on a regular basis.

Post # 24
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

She sounds like a grade A jerk.

Post # 25
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@BriansBride:  You know what?  Sometimes people just need to get crap flung back at them in order for them to realize they’re way out of line.  I tend to disagree that “taking the higher road” is always the best course of action.  If this is someone who is going to bein your lives, then you need to show her that how she’s treating you IS NOT OKAY. 

I would be firm more than snarky, but I think standing up for yourself is heading down the right path.  Teach her that she can’t push you guys around anymore.  

Post # 26
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@BriansBride:  She sounds psycho. It is her responsibility to provide you with the sizes or go to the store with you so her kids can try them on. If she doesn’t do this, and you have to guess, and it doesnt fit – she should go exchange them. I probably would have asked her for the sizes and if she didnt respond – sorry, kids arent in the wedding if they dont have outfits.

Whats your MIL’s deal? Do you think Future Sister-In-Law is badmouthing you to her, or is she a difficult person to? I don’t understand why neither of them showed up to your shower.

I would just ignore her until wedding time (easier said than done, I know!). Don’t respond to any phone calls/emails in which she attacks you or yells at you. I would simply say, “When you have calmed down, please get back to me” and hang up. Don’t play into her games – shes trying to cause drama. Also – have Fiance handle her. He can probably say a lot of things to her that you shouldnt. 

I understand how this goes – my Future Sister-In-Law was a bit crazy when we first got engaged. Shes unemployed and started buying stuff so she could make our centerpieces (um – we have a florist for that?). She then asked Fiance to give her money for the stuff she bought for us (which we wont use and never asked for, and totaled about $100). She ordered samples of all sorts of stuff – ribbons, invitations, STD’s. THEN – she told the whole family she was our WEDDING PLANNER. I wanted to say… sorry honey, but I am planning my OWN WEDDING. Not you. ME. It was so awkward. 

Post # 27
Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@BriansBride:  I wasn’t even a third of the way through your post when I thought to myself “why is she still trying with this lunatic?”  

Look, people who are determined to find fault and be upset will always find fault and be upset.  Your SIL falls into this category.  So stop trying to appease her because you won’t.  You can’t.  

Have your Fiance call or write her and tell her that you all respect her opinion about kids at a reception so you understand that her kids will not be participating.  Then let her do whatever she wants and don’t let it impact you.  If she wants to have a screaming tantrum, okay.  So?  

Also, your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t a child.  She does not need your Future Sister-In-Law to speak for her so don’t let her.  

Post # 28
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

@BriansBride:  Wow. Until the wedding is over I would ask Fiance to deal with his SIL and have her and her kids attend as guests. No 2 ways around it. Future Sister-In-Law can choose what they wear and find some damn shoes herself. I can’t even… how does she expect someone to blindly choose shoes for her kids in the right size, WTF?

You KNOW whatever you or Fiance choose to do, she will create drama and complain about. So don’t engage her. She doesn’t like the time/day for the rehersal dinner “Hopefully you can still make it.”. Thinks you are being disrespectful to Mother-In-Law “I’m really sorry you feel that way. We’ll be sure to talk to her about it.”. Thinks you are interrupting the ‘conversation’ between her and FI? “I’m too confused; please just communicate through Fiance in the future so we don’t do that again!”.

FWIW, your Mother-In-Law sounds like she is flaky, but not horrible. It sucks that she wasn’t able to be there for you for your family dinner or your bridal shower, but there’s nothing at this point you can do about it. Just keep that in mind for future interactions with her – I would not go out of my way to get together with her (e.g., I’d invite her over to dinner at your/FI’s house so that if she cancels you’re not totally bummed) or, open-ended, ask her to make plans.

Post # 29
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@BriansBride:  wow. TBH I would just uninvite them and cut contact. But I have a really low tolerance for BS so maybe you’re stronger than I lol

Post # 31
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

The snarky wench in me wants to say ” gosh her?  Getting a divorce?  Can’t imagine why!”

But that’s not very polite 🙂 Good luck, honey.  I had to chuckle at your update-good for you for sticking to your guns.  You’ve gone more than out of your way to be helpful, and she’s basically crapping all over you guys.  She sounds like an extremly unhappy woman.  I agree, let Fiance deal with her nonsense (and telling her what to do with her little “invoice” for the alterations!) and you get back to enjoying your wedding!

 

Also bear in mind, she is going to be a member of your family forever now, and you guys love her kids and I’m sure you’ll want them to be involved with their future cousins, so no more snarky emails!  (I think you can totally be forgiven for the one you alread sent).  Good luck!

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