Post # 1
I guess I should give a little background. My fiance is diagnosed bipolar with some other anxiety issues tacked on. We are broke and he has no medical insurance so he is currently without treatment and meds. We have had bumpy times in the past because of this but never to the extreme that I am feeling right now. He is a recovering alcoholic and has only given up alcohol a couple of weeks back. He was also pretty much addicted to caffeine and cut out sodas completely a little over a month ago.
Now as to the problem. Recently I have been feeling as though he has fallen out of love with me.
We don’t have sex anymore. We used to be all over each other all the time. He doesn’t even show me any affection. He hasn’t as much as kissed me more than the tiny peck I get when I beg for a goodnight kiss and even that is with mumbles and grumbles.
I have noticed a few times lately at the end of our phone conversations we haven’t said, “I love you,” or any semblance of that. He has just bye and hung up before I have had a chance to say anything.
Then today after he got off from work he went out to eat with a few guys who also got off at the same time. He hadn’t told me he was going or even mentioned the possibility. When I texted him a few times, he didn’t respond so when I called he answered and was like “Oh I forgot to tell you” which really bothered me. How do you get invited out and forget to tell me you aren’t coming home and I don’t need to cook for you? How do I just slip your mind if you are in love with me?
After I worked tonight I sat him down and told him all my concerns. He responded with “I have been having a really hard time with my issues lately.” I explained to him that I wasn’t trying to make them worse and I wouldn’t even bring it up if I wasn’t very concerned and it wasn’t serious. He said that it isn’t my fault and that it isn’t that he doesn’t want those things.. just that sometimes it slips his mind. I was a bit taken aback by that. How do you forget to tell someone you love them at the end of a phone conversation the same way you have been doing for over three years now? How does someone you love just slip your mind when you go out with friends? If you’re having all these issues, why don’t you want a comforting hug or kiss from your fiance? He was just kind of speechless. I guess he didn’t have a reason or excuse.
Right after that he said he needed to go to bed. I understand that because he has to be up very early for work tomorrow, however even after all that talking he still didn’t hug or kiss me or say he loved me before he went in the other room. Not wanting to follow and bother him, I texted him saying “I feel like you don’t love me anymore. That’s how serious this talk we had was. Even after the talk you didn’t hug me or say you love me before you went to bed.” Right after I heard his phone go off, I heard him kind of angrily toss his phone to the floor and he never said anything else. When I went to go lay down, I said something about it and he said “I don’t need this right now. I need to sleep.”
Well what about my need to feel loved and wanted by the one person who is supposed to love me? Do you ladies think I am over reacting and should let him sort out his mental problems for a couple more weeks or is this as serious as I feel like it is?
Post # 4
Okay, first off I think that you are being a bit of a drama queen. Men, regardless how in love with us they are, forget. So he might have been talking to his guy friends on the way to the restaurant and literally just didnt think to call you to let you know. It’s happened to me before and I definitly know my Fiance loves me.
And you discussed all of his issues above. Well, get used to it. If he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder with OTHER anxiety disorders and has NO health insurance to help with the problem, this is likely to be an occurance. I mean, you wedding date is 4 years off. How long have you been together? if it’s been awhile, then you should understand, or at least be familiar with how his moods and anxietys are.
For him to throw the phone down when you texted him that kind of sucks but it is understandable. He worked all day and is probbaly tired, stressed and thinking all kinds of things. Like I said, men can be very selfish andhe didnt comfort you because he didn’t think you’re feelings trumped his. And then for you to text him, not go in and tell him, was probably kind of annoying to him. The last thing he wants to do when he’s tired is text you back and reassure you.
I would talk to him when he is in a better fram of mind, maybe on a weekend or go out and have fun together and talk with him. Dont make a huge deal out of it, but just casually bring it up.
But instead of being 100% concerned about YOUR feelings, take a step back to think about his as well.
Post # 5
Oh, my wedding date is actually much sooner than that. I just didn’t want anyone connecting this to my actual account that I use for posting on a regular basis. And we have bee together for almost 4 years now. I am use to his mood disorders, but he has never completely shut me out or forgotten to kiss me for weeks at a time. This is new.
I definitely understand what you’re saying, but what about the complete lack of affection? I can’t remember the last time he even hugged me. Or the last time he told me he loved me, just because. Am I over reacting about that also?
Post # 6
I’m really sorry you’re going through this- I know it can be very trying. Fiance is struggling with depression and possible bipolar disorder and his mood swings are completely unpredictable. It’s very hard to deal with some days. On the days when he’s depressed, he isn’t very affectionate, either. Though on his good days and weeks, it’s like normal with us again. I’m still working on arranging some way for him to get counseling and possibly meds- we don’t have insurance either. But it sounds like you deal with this all day, everyday, and I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
These kinds of things happen when people are having problems with depression. Maybe sit down with him at a time when you both aren’t so tired or getting ready to go to sleep and tell him that you understand he’s struggling with depression and that you’re there for him, but you feel like he’s much less affectionate with you and that you’re concerned that he might not feel the same way about you anymore. Ask him if he could try to accomodate some of your needs sometimes. It may start out very small, but it’s a step in the right direction.
You should approach him in a way that is honest and non-emotional. You don’t want to come off as shrill or demanding, but you still need to tell him what’s going on on YOUR end of this whole thing. Do your best not to make him feel cornered but express how you’ve been feeling as a result of his actions, or lack thereof. It could just be the depression taking hold and making him not as aware of things or interested in what he used to be interested in- you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore. It means you have a hard road ahead of you, but it’s possible to make it through.
Since you don’t have insurance, maybe see about free or cheap counseling services available in your community- if you dig hard enough, you might be able to come up with something. There should also be some sort of state-funded medical service for low-income people that he could take advantage of. Otherwise, do what you can to support him and encourage him to take positive steps. I hope things get better for you.
Post # 7
He really needs to get his mental health issues under control. it’s not fair for you to have your emotional needs ignored, but it also is hard for him and it doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to intentionally hurt you. It just seems like his main priority right now is himself and his wants and needs, which isn’t conducive to a relationship. Regardless of his issues, if you’re going to have a healthy relationship both of your needs need to be met.
I would give him some space. Go do things for yourself. Spend time with your friends. Let him miss you. Let him notice what it’s like when you’re not chasing after him trying to make things work. Sometimes guys need to be reminded of what role you play in their life because they get used to it and get caught up in only their life and not your life together. Be okay with the idea of being by yourself and doing things by yourself. If he doesn’t step up and try to make it work, then don’t waste your energy trying. It seems like he’s going through a lot with addiction and mental health problems, and he needs to solve those problems on his own. You should be available to help him if he needs it, but the problems won’t be fixed if he doesn’t fix them and ultimately he’s not the only one that suffers.
I wouldn’t give up hope, but I wouldn’t stress yourself out being the only one trying to fix a relationship. It takes two because if there is only one person trying, it makes them miserable and the relationship won’t last because of resentment issues.
Post # 8
Is he in therapy at the moment? Are you involved with that?
ETA: Sorry, I missed the part about insurance, meds, and treatment. But as someone who’s lived with bipolar family members, this doesn’t sound like it’s about you. It’s about his condition. He really needs something – even counseling service – and it’s best if he has as much family support in that as well.
Post # 9
I don’t think that its in his control, especially since you say hes DIAGNOSED with bipolar disorder, and he isnt recieving treatment right now. Give the guy a break.
Post # 10
Ok, honestly your man has ALOT going on right now. 1. Diagnosed w/bipolar and anxiety on no medications. This alone would be very difficult to deal with for him. 2. He’s a recovering alcoholic who 3 weeks ago just gave up alcohol? Have you ever been with him or seen someone go through withdrawal? It is tremendously difficult, painful and it takes a huge toll on their body! I’m a nurse and I get patients frequently going through withdrawal and honestly they are mean as hell at first but they do come around. 3. It may seem like nothing but if he had an addiction to caffeine as well and just gave that up too, he has nothing to fall back on. I understand you’re feeling neglected and unloved, but he is going through something serious and needs all the support he can get. It doesn’t happen overnight nor does it happen in a few weeks. He has so many things going against him and you need to give him some credit, he is trying! I know some may disagree with me but you need to take a step back and just offer support for him while he works through this, sometimes the ones they love are unfortunately the ones who get hurt in the process but it’s part of recovery. I’m afraid pressuring him or adding more stress to him will affect his recovery or possibly destroy it. If you can’t handle it you guys to need to find someone who can help him through this like AA meetings or free support groups. It will get better if he is able to heal. I wish you guys the best!
Post # 11
I feel for you… my last bf was bp, but also very cruel so I may be a little jaded… I agree with the pp who noted that giving up alcohol can be hard and can cause depression. Are you sure he is sober? Maybe he thinks you want him to be but he’s avoiding you because he’s falling off the wagon?If he is sober, then I would give it a couple weeks to see if this depression lifts.
I don’t think your being dramatic, living with this every day sucks. It isn’t right to say that he has a mental health issue so your feelings take a back burner. That isn’t a good habit to develop in your relationship.
If he isn’t willing to try and seek help like AA or other free services or state assistance (not sure where you live) then I would also pull away. Only he can take control of his own health, you can only offer support, and he doesn’t have the right to bring you down with him. True, his relationship needs to take a back burner to his own recovery right now, but I wouldn’t accept it unless he was actively working on healing. Good lluck to you, and take care of yourself!
Post # 12
To call someone a drama queen dealing with a bi-polar disorder Fiance is out of line. Does anyone truly understand what it’s like to be the person on the other side dealing with it? I honestly don’t think so.
Anyways, OP, I feel your pain. I have dealt with a bi-polar mother all of my life. Granted I didn’t know what it was a child and didn’t find out until I was about 14 when I was then diagnosed. FI’s father has it as well. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting to walk on eggshells every.single.day.
I know that there are times where I become so angry at myself because I know I don’t have 100% control over my emotions/feelings. I become extremely frustrated and give up all hope with everything. My illness has caused me a lot of problems in the past. It’s broken up relationships and friendships. I felt so damn foolish. I will never forgive myself. I later realized it’s because I was on my own (sometimes I wanted to be) and no one offered a helping hand.
I understand how tough it is. You don’t know what to say or do to help make him better. Granted, it isn’t fair to you that he’s ignoring you’re emotional needs, but you have to realize that he’s not feeling much of anything right now except negativity. It’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. Unfortunately, you can blame this one on the illness.
The only time that I find you can blame the person of their actions is when they just don’t give a shit all together. For example: both my mother and FI’s father think it’s completely fine to walk all over people when they’re feeling down. They will act like spoiled children when they don’t get their way. They will emotionally and mentally abuse you to bring them down with you. Once they are feeling better, they act like nothing happened and go on with their merry way. Everything and anything will always be about them.
Anyways, I had written so much before but my computer froze and I lost everything. If I think of anything else to share or if you have any questions whatsoever, please feel free to PM me at any time. I will try to provide you with any sort of support that I possibly can.
Please remember to show him some sort of support through this troubling time. I understand completely when he says he’s having a hard time dealing with how he’s feeling. I don’t think it means that he doesn’t love you even if it may come across that way.
If you’re really concerned about him, start looking into behavioral centers that will allow him to go for therapy and pay according to his pay scale. Or maybe he needs to be put into a psychiatric hospital until he’s feeling better (I would go this route if he starts talking about suicide/homicide).
I wish you two the best of luck. (hugs)
Post # 13
I think alot of this boils down to the fact that he isnt on his meds, which is why he may not be acting the way that you are used to. I wouldnt take any of this to heart YET. See how it goes, if it gets better. You know he has some issues and at this point it sounds like he just needs to put himself before everyone else and work on his mental health.
Post # 14
Maybe you misunderstood. I’m not calling her a drama queen because her Fi is bipolar. I called her one because she boiled all of this down to that he didn’t love her anymore. I have a very close cousin of mine who is bipolar. I know how that can be. But stating above ALL of the things that her Fiance is going through, she knows that he is going through a lot of stuff right now.
I’m not calling her a drama queen for even venting about it. I’m calling her a drama queen for thinking this all has to do with love.
I honestly meant no offense. Sorry if it was taken that way. This is a hard situation and I was just giving my opinion, which is why these posts are up in the first place. To get other peoples opinion.
Anyways, Anonymoose: I hope you figure all of this out and best of luck to you!
Post # 15
Firstly, I want to say that I’ve been diagnosed with depression and my father is an alcoholic, so I can understand what you and your Fiance are going through.
Depression is hard. I’ve also been diagnosed with mood disorder, which isn’t as bad as bipolar, but I know that without medications it’s awful. If your Fiance suicidal? Is it possible he’s suicidal but hasn’t told you or is afraid to?
You say he’s been sober for 3 weeks. Did he quit cold turkey? You also say that this issue of him being less affectionate has been recent, so I think it’s very possible these are connected. Withdrawal can be pretty difficult, worse for some people than others. He may be struggling not to go back to alcohol, especially with depression on top of all that. Or, as a PP said, he may alread be drinking again and is scared you’ll find out.
I’m not sure why you texted him that message. Why didn’t you say that before he left the conversation? Or instead, walk in there as he was getting into bed and say that? I’ve learned that texting is the worst way to have a serious discussion in a relationship.
Lastly, I don’t know when your wedding date is, but you must be paying for it somehow- even if it’s a budget wedding you must be spending a little on it. Also, cut out everything from your budget you can- don’t eat out, buy generic not brand name, for dates go to a park instead of the movies, etc. I would suggest that you postpone the wedding and use the money to buy health insurance or pay the full price for a psychiatrist and meds. Be prepared for a long road ahead- the first meds they put him on may not work and it takes some trial and error to see what will help him. Also I’d suggest that you both join AA to help him completely leave behind alcohol.
Post # 16
- Wedding: December 2013 - Home
I guarantee the message he is getting and that he is telling himself is that he has screwed up yet again and that you think he is a failure.
Has he applied for medicaid or some kind of social services? Bipolar with no meds usually can be covered. Check with county mental health about your options.
Neither one of you are allowed to make any decisions about your relationship until he is medicated and stable. 🙂 You aren’t dealing with him right now- you’re dealing with the disease. He still loves you and needs you to be the stable part of his life right now. 🙂