- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
Hi all, I am needing some advice/to vent in general about a family situation between my Dad and Brother.
My Brother is 4 years older than me and has done nothing but be a negative force in our family because of his immature, selfish, irrational behavior. He needs counseling, but refuses. He began drinking and doing drugs at age 14 and because of this, I believe he stunted his brain development early on, and the long-term behavioral outcomes of that are present in adulthood. He has admitted to me that he is an alcoholic on a few different occasions, but won’t take the steps to get help, and blames my Mother’s side of the family for passing it on through genetics. (I’m not an alcoholic, By The Way, I don’t know all the mechanics of that, but it has never been a problem for me.) In short, he is extremely messed up, and refuses help.
There are periods of time where I find it so mentally stressing/exhausting to have him in my life, and I have gone for years without maintaining a relationship with him because it is just too difficult. My Dad tells me my Brother is jealous of my Fiance and I. I won’t get into the reasons, but it has to do with work and education, and just being more successful. My Fiance and Dad have a wonderful relationship, which I know upsets my Brother.
So here is what’s going on:
My Mom passed away two years ago from lung cancer. She started smoking when she was 14, and made it to age 58. My Brother was terrible during the time she was getting chemo and radiation for the year and a half before she passed. He didn’t help with anything, and at one point, my Mom actually told me she thought my Brother doesn’t even care that she was sick. I helped with everything, the best that I could, and it got to the point where my Dad was so depressed watching his wife detoriate, that I had to take on more responsibilities with his well-being, as well. I was 22/23 at the time, and it was a lot to handle. My Brother was nowhere to be found when our family needed to come together. His view was that my Mom did this to herself and he had no sympathy for her. It was an awful time, and I am still not fully recovered after her death. I have dealt with depression stemming from our loss, and am currently in therapy.
When my Mom passed away, because she was no longer there to blame, my Brother shifted his anger onto my Dad. Since then, it’s been my Dad’s fault that my Mom died. He will call my Dad a murderer for not stopping his wife from smoking. My Dad takes these things very hard, and will want to talk to me for hours about the verbal abuse my Brother unleashes on him.
Two weeks ago, my Dad sat my Brother down and told him he has been seeing a woman. My Brother flipped out, starting throwing things, and told my Dad he wouldn’t need to be out dating if he hadn’t of killed his wife. My Dad told me he actually considered calling the police because of the reaction my Brother had. He mentioned something about needing to get a restraining order against his own son. My Brother immediately began calling me over and over and over because he wanted me to go over to my Dad’s house with him and tell him why he is wrong. I don’t think my Dad is wrong, it makes me sad, but I understand he is lonely. It is not my choice to tell him he’s not allowed to get a girlfriend. My Dad has been dealing with his own depression since my Mom passed, and I have tried to be there for him, while my Brother has not.
So this is where I’m hung up. My Brother returned his copy of my Dad’s will and wrote, “No thank you” across it and threw it on his front porch where it sat overnight with all my Dad’s personal and financial info. He also returned his keys to my Dad’s house. He refuses to speak to my Dad, and my wedding is this Saturday. My Brother has told me he will help me with anything I need “as long as you don’t pair me up with your Dad.” YOUR DAD, as in he is no longer claiming him as his father.
I am afraid something is going to happen at our wedding between my Dad and Brother. I know my Dad will not do anything, but I am afraid of what will happen when my Brother starts drinking with my Dad there. My Brother has acted out in times like this before. It will be useless me telling him to please behave, because he is on his own terms 24/7. Something happened this morning with my Brother being a d*** because it’s my Dad’s birthday today.
I am just terrified of the confrontation that could arise at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. I have seen my Brother physically attack my Dad before, and I just feel very out of control of the situation. The only thing I can think to do is uninvite my Brother. I feel like I would need to explain this whole situation to both sides of the family before we enter into an extremely awkward rehearsal dinner with them both there. I honestly just don’t know what to do. Our venue does require us to have a security guard at the door, so there’s always that. But really, I feel like he is just acting out partly because I am getting married. I know he is jealous and he doesn’t like my Fiance simply because he’s older than him. My Fiance is 30, my Brother is 28, I’m 25. This is just a huge mess and I just have this awful feeling something terrible is going to happen because it always does with him.
Does anyone have any advice for how to handle him?