(Closed) I am Afraid My Brother is Going to Ruin My Wedding (Rant/Vent)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@scrinz:  First of all, I’m very sorry about the death of your mom. My dad died when I was sixteen from an illness that took 2 years to kill him, so I can kind of relate.

 

That being said, your brother is my mother: a lifelong habit of lying, being volatile, substance abuse and being irresponsible. I, too, am terrified to have her at my wedding because she has alienated herself from everyone and blames the world for her problems. Total ticking time bomb. I have not decided if she will be invited.

 

When I’ve asked for advice on this in the past, I’ve been told everything from “don’t invite her: you’d never invite a friend who acted that way” to “she’s your mother, have you know heart? FAMILY, FAMILY, FAMILY!”  Neither of those options are easy, and trust me, I get that.

 

Are you in a position where you can hire security? Companies will let you hire one by the hour and they will dress to blend in with your wedding. They can quickly difuse any conflicts that arise and escort your brother away should he act out. If that is not something you can afford, I suggest you delegate one understanding friend or family member to keep tabs on him and run interference.

Post # 4
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@scrinz:  Goodness you seem like a sweetheart.

You must be really concerned with your brother’s well being if he is still invited to the wedding.

I would have never invited him in the first place.You have the security guard which is important. Make use of him or hire a police officer to prevent your brother from drinking. Some will do that!

Are you serving alcohol??Or do you think he will sneak it in?

Post # 5
Member
4040 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@badabing88:  +100

I seccond the hire security if you can afford it, or explain things to an understanding family member or friend (preferably a large strong one) who can keep an eye on things and difuse any situations as they arise.

Post # 6
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ETA: I know the venue has security, but if it were me I would hire one from a private company to dress in plain clothes and tail your brother.

Post # 7
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i would reach out to your brother one last time on paper – i find it allows me to write clearly and allows the other person to take their time and potentially read it again. so much can be interrupted on the phone or in person etc.

tell him how hard it’s been since your mother got sick – don’t get into the fact that you did more than him etc – just that things have been hard, and you’re so looking forward to the wedding because it’s going to be a day to celebrate.

i’d tell him that you understand how hurt he is about the situation with your dad (don’t offer an opinion, but he IS hurt and you DO know that) but that it would mean a lot to you if he could put that aside for your wedding.

it may take a bit of swallowing your true feelings, but hopefully he’ll understand that this is not the time or place.

THEN – think of someone that you trust to keep an eye on him, ask that person to watch out for him and let someone (not you!) know if he’s getting out of hand. speak to the bartenders, make sure they’re proactive about cutting people off.

also – is your father bringing the new woman?

Post # 8
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

So sorry for your mother’s passing. I don’t think uninviting your brother is the best choice. It may make things worse and he may just show up anyway. What does your dad think? I wouldn’t do anything drastic without talking to him first. 

Post # 9
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear that your family is going through this, especially during what is a happy time for you. I’m sure you’re already having a difficult time on a personal level. My thoughts are with you!

 

Is there anyone that is coming/can come with your brother to distract him from interacting with your father? Whether a relative that he is close to and enjoys being with, or a close friend of his he can enjoy the evening with, or if he is dating, someone he would be a little less likely to behave badly in front of? I also think that the likelihood of him acting out is increased if your father brings his new girlfriend.

 

I think the best plan would be to arrange to keep them as separate as possible during each event- at completely different tables on different sides of the room, etc., and to aim to keep your brother distracted and somewhat “watched” so that his drinking doesn’t get out of hand.

 

Post # 10
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@scrinz:  as painful as it would be, I would un-invite him. You don’t want to spend your entire wedding day worrying if your brother will snap at any moment. That’s too much stress that you don’t need or deserve. 

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee

@facetoface:  This is not a site to prey on people who are venting about personal situations. Yes, this is the internet so it is public, but really go solicit somewhere else. TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE!

Post # 12
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hire security if you have to, but holy shit girl- go to alanon. And take your whole family. I’ve been there- its cheesy and weird and they chant and blablabla…but it helps.

 

Good luck

Post # 13
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you should uninvite your brother.  It is clear that he has a lot of issues he needs to work out on his own.  His behavior is completely inappropriate and you shouldn’t have to stress out about how he’s going to act during your wedding.  This might be the wake up he needs to realize how bad he has become and to pressure him to change his life.

Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am sorry to hear about your moms passing and this situation 🙁

I would try and talk to him about your very legitimate concerns.  Depending on how he reacts, you may have to uninvite him.  Even if you hire security and someone to watch his drinking, he is still going to drink and there is a chance he may do something really innappropriate.  Not worth the risk on your special day.

Post # 15
Member
9198 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Holy crap.  I’m so sorry, what a mess!  Tbh I wouldn’t have invited him in the first place – he sounds super toxic and I’d just try to cut him out of my life if I were you.  (Easier said that done, I know.)  BUT, since you did invite him, I think warning the security guard along with a couple male friends would be the way to go.  Do you have some big guy friends who could help with escorting him out, if need be?  Just tell them that he’s a toxic mess and could they please keep an eye on him?  And obviously seat him away from your dad and with any friends / relatives whom he does like.

Good luck love, and I hope your day goes wonderfully!  Regardless of this, your guests will have a blast and you’ll be marrying the love of your life.

Post # 17
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Your brother sounds like a huge asshole. I would disinvite him, tell him you don’t want his drama at your wedding and get security at the venue. He sounds very unstable and with the way he is treating your father I just wouldn’t allow him to ruin your day or anyone elses. I’m sorry you have to go through this so close to your wedding.

 

The topic ‘I am Afraid My Brother is Going to Ruin My Wedding (Rant/Vent)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors