(Closed) I am already tired of my FMIL…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Mine isn’t nearly as bad as yours by a long way, By The Way… but I’ll share.

Boyfriend’s mother is a very sweet lady, who does everything for the family (too much, in my opinion, she admits she spoiled them). She is also very overprotective of her daughters and doesn’t understand why they could ever walk home alone etc, even in their teens.

I grew up with a mentally ill mother and father who was always working. I was soon the adult female of the house. This meant I had to be very responsible, but it also meant that I had a lot of freedoms as my parents were basically absent. Some of these I abused. Some I didn’t. I know boyfriend’s Mum has said that she feels a bit sorry for me (I don’t feel sorry for me… I never knew any different!) and that she feels the need to mother me a little. Which is sweet, in a way, but really annoying. I mean, I managed well enough for the first two decades and some change of my life, so it’s a bit strange to start getting advice now… I guess it’s a bit like growing up without a Mum and then your Dad remarries and the stepmum tries to be all motherly.

The problem is that boyfriend and Mum are very close and he complains about me to her… one that irritates me is “she said she wanted X… but she was happy with Y when she got it, so that will do”. As if I’m some kid and they know my wants better than I do. Look, just because I’m a positive person and I don’t make a fuss when I don’t get exactly what I want does not mean that I don’t know my own mind. And they don’t know what is best for me better than I do. For crying out loud, I’m a grown woman who has worked all over the world, sometimes in dangerous jobs. The way they speak, it’s like I’m a little kid sometimes. Boyfriend says “they think you’re emotionally vulnerable… you are a bit”. Grrrr. I know they mean well but it DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!

To you: Great for you that you have a supportive fiance though, and that the rest of the family seem to know how nutty your nightmare Future Mother-In-Law is. You’re not the bad guy here… I would just try not to think too hard about it, even though it’s tough. If you have to take a break from her, like fiance says… no biggie. Her loss.

Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

i feel your pain.. i will never like my fiances mother.  she has done so many evil and crazy things to me i will never forgive her.  i have been with my fiance for seven years now…we got together when i was 17  after six years he finally proposed.  she went around telling everyone he waited for her approval and since were not over 30 we will get divorced.   well my parents have been together since my mom was 15 and are still happy.. we are more like them than her any day.  she has had a few divorces and married one guy after three months… but were jumping the gun?

issues i have dealt with… her younger son told me how she was constantly talking behind my back and saying horrible things about me, my response was shes a bitch.. she found out and started emailing me bashing me my family and my religion… im christian shes christian… soooo i dont know how that worked for her bashing it lol.  she ended up making half her family not talk to me and delete me from facebook ..how mature haha.  when i met up with some of her sisters i found out all the lies she was saying and my fiance corrected them quick… needless to say the family is fine with me again… but i will always feel bitter around them.  she has stolen from me.. yes she has stolen not one but two pairs of my shoes and claimed she found them in the trash… they were almost brand new.

anytime we have ever moved I have begged my fiance not to let her “pack”  she always goes after my stuff. first time she broke a crystal vase, i actually said its fine I know you didnt mean it and she was surprised i ddint “freak out on her”… why would I its an object that can be replaced.  Than another time we moved she put a refill bottle of hand soap opened in a box with all my novels… every single book was destroyed.  I then knew she broke the vase on purpose.. and the bottle was brand new and sealed, she took the seal off of it!

before we were on talking terms she kept the two youngest siblings away from me and lit slammed one into the wall for sitting next to me at my fiances baseball game.  it hurt me the most not seeing them because i felt like they were my own… lets be honest she is not a good mom… i bought them a lot of school supplies and clothes because she never would.

very long story short.. we talk now.. but i feel uncormfortable around her and will never trust her.  i invited her to dress shop but refused to try on the one i knew would be the one cuz she tells my fiance everything… i have yet to have a surprise party for him without her contacting him first. I wont even tell her, one of the boys will say it infront of her and she runs to my fiance everytime. shes just a terrible person, and she wont like me because i am nothing like her.

after everything she has done to me my fiance sees her for who she truely is and he doesnt want anyhing to do with her.  i tell him all the time to please go visit her and he refuses.  she doesnt see that her actions have pushed away two of her sons.

i know i need to forgive her and everytime i read the bible about forgiveness i know it is what needs to be done.. i just dont trust her im afriad to let my guard down.  

its terrible we have to deal with these women, it seems like we have great men though that are nothing like their mothers.. it was brillant you said it infront of his sister… i do that now i wont say a word with her in a room by herself.  we just need to look at the big picture and ignore them, we arent like them and never will be.  so just smile and be yourself the family will stick by us and see us for who we really are

Post # 6
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Sway2012:  I love how your Fiance says that you guys are a team.  That is the truth when it comes down to it.  Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds controlling and toxic.  It’s good that you’re getting away from her for a while.

My Fiance and I are also Interracial.  I’m Asian, he’s Hispanic.  My family has been completely fine (surprisingly).  My mom has given us a generous monetary gift for our wedding.  His family has not and yet they want everything to reflect Hispanic culture and their family.  My family is super conservative and his is not.  It’s so frustrating to try and make everyone else happy- I’m a people pleaser- but it’s so damn tiring, I don’t care anymore.  We were at dinner the other night and it was awkward as all hell.  They were speaking spanish- I understand quite a bit but I don’t speak it fluently- and they were talking about how “our family likes this ‘whatever to do with the wedding'” “why don’t you do it this way” my Fiance got really firm with them, I heard the words “respect for her family” over and over.  I’m so grateful to have a wonderful Fiance who stands up for us and our wedding.  We are incorporating both of our cultures into the wedding but they forget that this is OUR wedding and we’ll make the final decisions. 

Sorry I ended up venting here.. 😛

Post # 9
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Sway2012:  I think the important thing is that you and your FH are a team and he is willing to stick up for you.  I love my Future Mother-In-Law but she has been a pain in the ass since we got engaged.  It’s really annoying, and FH has had to step in a few times to point out a few things to her.  He always stands up for me/us, and that is what important.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

There are people who say you marry the man’s family, too…

I am NOT one of those people! 

You really do marry the man and if his family is as bat crazy as my husband’s are… you learn to live with walls up and/or a restraining order. 

My in laws would call themselves incredibly family oriented…. a very close group, but that only goes one way. They do not and never will reciprocate any kind of contact with Darling Husband unless there is something in it for them. Sad really. They are very wealthy people who are used to getting exactly what they want when they want it, they don’t understand how broke we are or that we’re really in no place to afford anything, not even gas money to visit on occasions. 

They’ve gone as far as to call my school and interfere with my grades/classes when they had no legal right to. They have ignored the fact that we were engaged, given us nothing at our wedding and even refused to participate in well wishing cards, etc on the big day. They have yelled at me in person and over the phone. 

Once I said I didn’t care if they were upset to their faces, all because I was doing what was right by Darling Husband and myself. I Was yelled at and pointed at and told I needed an attitude change. I ran out of the room and fell and broke my hand in an attempt to get away from them when they literally chased me away after yelling at me and then wondering why I was leaving the room. 

Ugh. 

It makes me sick to talk about. Sometimes venting is good, sometimes it really doesn’t help. 

The fact is I am married to the man I love and who loves me. None of their sh*t matters anymore. If they remain so pigheaded they will never know our kids though. I’m genuinely sad for them. 

So sorry we’ll never be able to experience what it’s like to be welcomed into a family. That is really tragic. 🙁 

 

Post # 11
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well, I’ve got some Mother-In-Law issues myself. It’s a very strage situation. Darling Husband is the youngest of 5, so of course he’s her “baby,” and I understand that can be hard for some mothers. But she is out of control. 

She’s a very controlling woman with opinions on EVERYTHING. Her own husband can’t even stand to be in the same room with her (why he hasn’t divorced her I’ll never know).

DH’s family lives across the country, so they flew in for our wedding in Oct. All his mother did the entire week leading up to the wedding was sit on the couch looking like she wanted to die. Like she would rather be any place but at my house. Which is fine, whatever, if she wanted to make herself miserable, I’d surely let her. I was incredibly busy because I was DIYing most everything for our wedding (I made the cake + 120 mini pies + doing all of the flowers for the wedding). I made my wedding cake the day they arrived, and I set it out of the way on a counter where it wouldn’t be disturbed. 

She kept putting things RIGHT next to my cake. Like dangerously close to messing up the frosting. And I kept telling her to move it. We almost came to blows. 

THEN, I find out from my then Fiance that she brought a WEDDING DRESS to wear to our wedding. I am not kidding. I told him that under no circumstances would she be wearing that on MY wedding day, and Fiance passed along the message to his mom. I guess she didn’t get the hint because she showed up to our wedding in HALF of a wedding dress (yeah, it was a 1980’s two piece with shoulder pads and tassels. I kid you not.)

I’m a pretty outspoken person, but I decided to be the bigger person and not say anything to her. THEN during the reception, she sat at her table looking miserable the whole time. Eventually, she made my DAD (the father of the bride!) drive her home, because she was distraught that there was alcohol being served at the wedding. I heard from a friend that she was CRYING about it. Are you kidding me? It’s a wedding! 

My dad missed the toasts, bouquet toss, and garter toss because he was driving her home. Then he came back, we wrapped up the night, and my wonderful family and friends helped clean up the venue while Darling Husband and I headed back to our hotel. 

The next morning when we went over to my parents house to open gifts, she completely gave us the cold shoulder. She walked out of the room when we were opening presents and didn’t even congratulate us on our marriage. Then, she had the GALL so say, “I didn’t get ANY sleep last night, and I really need my sleep.” WELL, YOU LEFT THE WEDDING AT 8PM, WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?! By this point, my dad was livid. He looked like he would come unglued at any second. 

No one ever confronted her, and I pretty much ignored her until it was time for us to leave. About a week after the wedding, she sends me a FACEBOOK message asking for my “forgiveness” for her behavior (which was also accompanied by a long list of excuses as to why she was acting that way, etc). I ignored the facebook message, because I knew if I answered her I would rip her to shreds. She then sent ANOTHER facebook message accusing me of “not trying” to make the situation better. I didn’t make the situation bad to begin with! 

Let’s just say, I hate the woman’s stinking guts. And I don’t genuenly loathe very many people. She’s continued to try to be controlling from 18 hours away, calling Darling Husband at all hours of the morning (5am) and night (11:30pm). She also sends Darling Husband text messages saying, “I wish I heard from you more…” and “I guess you forgot it was our anniversary.” Seriously? She’s the most passive agressive person I’ve ever met, and I’m probably the most agressive person she’s ever met (as in, if I have a problem with someone, I TELL them), but I’ve been trying my best to hold my tongue for DH’s sake. 

 

Post # 12
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Sway2012:  we have very similar situations minus the wicked Future Mother-In-Law. I am black and Fiance is white but he is older then me. My Fiance is the oldest out of 6 and him and his mother have a very unique relationship. He does not hate her but are not that close. She is never rude to me but I think because I am black she walks with caution. Her other kids are married and she bashes them like crazy. I always told my Fiance I will treat your mother the same way she treats me. I am planning our wedding and she doesn’t ask any questions and Idont share any information. She always ask her son questions and he will tell her to ask me but she never makes the effort. I am sure I am getting nasty comments made about me but until I am aware of it all is fine with me. I just want to say I am proud that you stood up for yourself. I think she knows you will not put up with much BS so it might stop and good for your Fiance for sticking up for his Future Wife!

Post # 14
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh goody goody, I can’t wait to let loose on my FMIL!!

Lets start with this: My Future Mother-In-Law is profiting from our wedding which she is not supportive of at all and doesn’t want to happen.

Fiance and I are an interracial couple also. He is half Korean(mother) and half German (father) and I am a dark skinned Puerto Rican. So his mother doesn’t grasp that concept and thinks I’m African-American. I’m older than Fiance (he’s 31, I’m 38) and I’m divorced. All strikes against me. Even though she’s older than Future Father-In-Law and uh she’s wife #2.  Let’s not mention that I own my home, drive a nice luxury car, have a college degree from a great university and have a fantastic high paying govt job. (I only mention this because she’s VERY materialistic i.e.,wanted a BMW X5 and asked for a $2500 Chanel purse for Christmas, I’m not in any way shape or form bragging it’s part of the story) Nope none of that matters to her because as she told her own son “She’s only with you because you have a low IQ”.

She is blatantly racist and talks about how she wants to take Fiance to Korea so he can see how beautiful and slim the women are which was said in front of me at Thanksgiving dinner.  I’m a size 6 and have been told many times that I look like the actresses Sanaa Lathan and sometimes Zoe Saldana (again for illustrative purposes).

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that we originally had a destination wedding planned for August of last year. Before we went ahead with our plans we talked to FI’s parents because Future Mother-In-Law owns a business that is open 365 days a year.  Yes that’s right even on Christmas. We were told to go ahead with our plans that they would figure something out. We sent out STD’s and made deposits (venue, photographer, planner). Last February they ask us to cancel everything and to make it local because they weren’t going to close their business. I fought and fought for my destination wedding but Fiance wanted to please his parents and I figured since it was his first wedding and my second, I could compromise.  FFIL said he would pay me back the money I had lost out on deposits. This was way before a lot of things became clear.

Fast forward to July of last year and we try to be nice and include Future Mother-In-Law we wanted to take her out to lunch at the venue and she said no I will be home late from church.  How you know that 3 days in advance is beyond me.  So we show her pics of the venue we finally decided on which was a chore in itself.  Since they plan on opening and closing their business the day of the wedding (guess they’ll attend on a lunch break) we really couldn’t pick anything too far for them to travel.  We show her the pics and she says “I’m not ready” and says that she has to talk to Future Father-In-Law as if we were asking her for permission. Then it turns ugly and she says that marriage isn’t something to play at, that she wanted Fiance to marry into a bigger family, only wants what is best for him and asks me how old I am. At the time I was 37 and I said so and she goes to Fiance “Ha…when will the babies come? Because by the time i was 31 I’d had both you and you sister”. Seriously?? Did she just insult my ovaries? I had been quiet up to this point since we were in her house but I said “WELL…the babies would have come next year if you hadn’t made us cancel our previous plans because of your business but since we had to postpone the wedding the babies got postponed as well.” We ended up leaving not too soon after that. In November, I found a copy of my FI’s birth certificate which listed her age at 36 when she had him. Uh huh.. lie much??

Thanksgiving was a nightmare, Christmas was surprisingly nice but the latest is that her family is sending her money for our wedding as it is Korean tradition and she’s keeping it.  She told Fiance “well if you were marrying a Korean girl, then you would get the money.” So she’s pimping out our wedding!! Stalking the mailman because the money was sent in cash.  Hope it gets lost.   At Christmas she made a face about the cost of the Chanel purse she wants but never told Future Father-In-Law “oh it’s too much I dont want it”. She doesn’t go anywhere except church, home and work so wtf is she going to do with a Chanel purse? She got Future Father-In-Law a $4000 watch last year (paid in cash) that he didn’t want but she loves to brag about it and he wears it to keep his happy home.  They’re not helping us pay for ANYTHING (which since they basically forced us to move it locally I think they should)  and they still owe me the $1100 from lost deposits that Future Father-In-Law said he would pay me back for. Almost a year later and I’ve seen nothing but I know for a fact large purchases have been made over the past year (leather sleeper sofa from pricey furniture store and Noritake china) and so forth.

Making us move the wedding locally was a stall tactic in hopes that we would call the whole thing off. We recognized this after the July incident but we were too far into our local planning to go back to our destination wedding plans.  I know Fiance regrets going that route because he now sees that no matter what we do, NOTHING will make her happy and I’m unhappy because I had to give up my dream beach wedding for a miserable woman.  He was worried about her hating me for the rest of our lives but he now sees that she will never accept me no matter what we do. We should have stuck to our original plans and given  everybody a big Cee-Lo Green song.

Can’t wait until she finds out her church friends are not invited and that the parents are not getting an option of a guest list. Not paying = no friends. We don’t want people that we both don’t know at our wedding. Too bad so sad.

That’s my story.

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