Post # 1
So recently me and dh moved to another city for my job. However I only applied to jobs where he could easily tranfer within his own firm. We talked about it a lot and he was ok with the move. Once I go the job, he asked for a transfer which he also got with a promotion except they were giving him 10% raise instead of 15% he asked for. He refused the offer. I tried to talk him into just taking the job and if he was not happy he could look for another one but he refused. He asked me to supprot him since he was moving for me in the first place and I said ok. He assured me that the reason he was not accepting is because he had multiple other companies interested in him and he was highly recommended and I would not have to support the bills for more then a month. Well we move (which everyone know is super expensive), we settle in our new apartment. Which is another thing. I said we should just get a one bedroom because its just us and the dog and why spend extra money on 2 bedrooms but he insistead on 2 bedrooms because if we have guest come and stay and he thought one bedrooms are too small. well once we move I found out that he had next to no savings which he said he used for our wedding and the move. Second we been here for 2 months and he has had exactly one interview which was set up before we even left the old city. I mean he is home all day but we still eat out quite often ebcause he does not cook and the house is dirty. I been working 14 hour shifts but I am salaried at 40 hours per week but I leave around 6am dont get back home till 8ish pm. He will drive uber when he feels like it but I have not actually seen any real money from it yet. I would not mind footing the bills till he got a job but my savings will run out in 2 months and my job alone does not cover all of our expenses. Everytime I try to talk to him about it he gets super defensive and that he is trying and we are both under stress but I just feel like I was mislead and he should not have refused that job and then made us get a 2 bedroom. We were just talking and I half joked that we can always sell my engagement ring for rent and he got super upset at me. His family and my family both told him to just accept the job and keep looking if he wanted too but he still refused the job with no real oppurtunities aligned.
I just feel like he was not upfront about it with me and its really annoying me that he would refuse a perfectly good, well paying job when he had no real oppurtunities on the horizon. Sorry I just really needed to vent. I can’t talk to anyone in person about it because he is super sensitive about the topic and would throw a fit if he found out that I was talking to other people about it. He even was getting upset with my mom when she asked him his job situation when she came to visit.
Sorry I did not realize I wrote a book
Post # 2
That is a frustrating situation. What does he do all day? It seemed plenty reasonable for him to take the job transfer even if the raise wasn’t exactly at the level he wanted. What’s his line of work? I wonder what the underlying issue is. Is he lazy? Depressed?
Post # 3
I can’t believe he turned down a sure thing just because it was “only” a 10% raise instead of the 15% he requested. The smart/mature person would take the damn job and realize that with all the stuff happening (wedding, moving, BILLS, NEEDING TO EAT) it’s best to take the job THEN look for something that works better.
You need to have a conversation with him right away and ask him what is really going on because this doesn’t sound right. You two also need to come up with a plan/commitment from him on what his next steps are. Sounds like he resents you in a way for some things. Perhaps because the wedding used up most of his savings??
ps – while he is home he needs to be cooking and cleaning that damn house as well as pounding the pavement!!!
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
I think your feelings are completely valid and he made a mistake, plain and simple. He might even realize it was a mistake but is now embarrassed and unable to admit it so becomes defensive instead. All of this over a 5% less RAISE makes this a stupid and selfish mistake. He knew he didn’t have solid job offers before you moved and knew his savings were nearly gone. Since the financial responsibility is now all on you and you won’t be able to cover expenses for an extended time you two really need to have a serious conversation. I sincerely wish you luck bc financial strain in a marriage can be depressing.
Post # 5
Our wedding was just the two of us on an island. It cost <2000$ and I put it on my credit card to ear miles and he paid me back in installments. He paid for it because I was just about to graduate from school and he was ok with it. Also my parents gave me $1000 for graduation present which we used while on wedding-moon for excurtions and fun stuff.
I don’t think he is lazy when it comes to a job but he is def lazy when it comes to house work. Any time I bring up him doing house work he brings up that when he was working full time and I was in school there would be days when I would not cook even if he worked all day. I tried to explain to him that yes there were days when I did not cook or clean but it was because I had school related stuff. I was not just sitting playing hours of video games and watching T.V.
He drives me to work in am because he likes to use my car for uber, then he comes home and sleeps for a bit then gets up in the middle of afternoon applies to some jobs, eats, plays with the dog, wathces TV, ubers in the evening then comes picks me up. He wither will put something together quickly after I get home or he just orderes food for us if he does not want to cook. The house is getting so dirty even though I help clean up on weekend but nothing gets clean during the week and we have hard wood floors and they get dirty so quickly. He is a junior engineer.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I would sit down with him and show him the hard numbers. Show him how much money will come in vs. how much will go out, and ask him how he thinks the two of you can maintain your current living situation. Something has to give. He has to get a job, you guys have to move to a one bedroom, something. He has created his own misery, and while I’m sure there is some level of embarrassment on his part for thinking he was in a position to turn down the job offer and he doesn’t want to “crawl back” to it, the reality is that he isn’t as coveted as he thought he was, companies aren’t clamoring to hire him, and he needs to contribute to his household. Make a budget for the household and be clear that you have to stick to it, even if it means not eating out, until he get things together on his end. You will run out of money if things continue this way.
Post # 7
Oh boy. 10% of a raise is still quite a bit and he didn’t take it? That’s honestly a really dumb move. He made a stupid mistake in doing that. Plus the fact that he is super lazy and sits at home and obviously doesn’t apply for other jobs…
I’m actually in a similar situation. My husband has been unemployed for 3 months now. The difference is that he applies for many many jobs and has been on a ton of interviews. No bites yet, but he had a few promising interview recently so we are hoping and praying. I won’t lie, it has caused an insane amount of stress in our relationship. We went from never fighting to fighting every 2-3 days. Things are better now, but it was so stressful.
I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you are feeling. Unemployment unfortunately does cause people to be the worst version of yourself…but your husband really doesn’t have any excuse. He could have taken the job he was offered. Be completely honest with him because you can’t do these 14-hour days forever.
Post # 8
it sounds like you guys werent even on the same page financially why didnt you know his savings were depleted from the wedding. Also their is no reason you guys should be eating out if money is tight. In a way your husband is lazy he should be using every second of the day looking for a job or finding a way to get money…craigslist odds and end jobs anything to relieve stress off of you
Post # 9
Holy cow this is a terrible situation that he has got you guys in. You are so right to feel frustrated!!! One person who has pretty great financial advice is Dave Ramsey. You should check out daveramsey.com and maybe you’ll find some info that can help you out. Another thing is that I think you guys should have combined accounts. Now that you’re married, your money is his money and his is yours, and since he has obviously shown you that he is not always the most honest about how much money he has, I think it would be best for you guys as a couple if you just take all the weird secrecy out of it and combine accounts.
I hope he finds a job soon! indeed.com is a great job hunting website, and it makes it super easy to apply.
Post # 10
I am glad that I am not just over reacting. I am annoyed because I have student loans which are in defferement right now but I would have to start paying soon and over the years I have accumulated some money on my credit cards (major car repairs, moving, etc) and I was hoping to really pay them off once I graduated and got a job. I also have to pay my mom because we had an arrangment and she let me barrow some money. I paid majority of it back but there is some left.
I just feel terrible that I made us move in the first place. I had a job offer closer to home but in the end we decided together that this one was better for both of us. He had been in communication with the people here and they had assured him that there was a job if he moved up here. At that time I did not even think that he would refuse it
Post # 11
I have to disagree about combining accounts. IMO he’s shown that he does not have a head for finances (choosing a more expensive flat than necessary and eating out whilst living on one income which, incidentally, does not cover the bills to begin with) and personally I would have some distrust over the fact that he didn’t disclose using up all of his finances. I think that the OP needs to keep control over the finances at this point. I would worry that he’d blow the money in the account leaving less than is required to pay the bills.
Post # 12
It’s not on you. As a partnership you sensibly discussed and agreed a move. He sensibly lined up a new job and then for some unfathomable reason declined it. Why you would expect a company to accomodate your transfer AND give you a pay rise on top is beyond me, unless there were higher living expenses and as standard one office paid a higher salary than another.
Post # 13
with all due respect, he is being a big baby and he needs to man up. He chose to be in this situation and now he’s dumping it on you, eating up your savings while he plays video games and doesn’t even help with housework.
I would ask him to lay out his plan for how you will be affording this 2 bed apt he wanted. I would also ask him if he sees housework as something he’s not responsible for because you missed a few days when you were busy getting a degree.
That doesn’t even make sense. Stuff needs to be done, one of the two of you needs to do it, why can’t he do more while he isn’t working. If he were a woman, this board would be up in arms at his freeloading.
Sorry to be so blunt, but he is really behaving badly. Yes, he might be depressed because he’s not employed, but he chose to be unemployed, over 5%.
Idk, I would be very frustrated in your shoes and if he refused to sit down and budget like a grown up I would insist on therapy.
Post # 14
You need to lay it out on the table for him. “Booski, we are OUT OF MONEY. What are we going to do??” I know you are newly married and all and you don’t want to rock the boat but this conversation needs to happen sooner than later. You don’t want to wait until ALL of the money is gone.
Post # 15
I don’t have much advice to give you but no, I don’t believe you are wrong to feel annoyed or frustrated by this. It sounds like you discussed and agreed to the move as a couple and he isn’t keeping up his end of the deal so there is no reason for you to feel bad about this.
Turning down his company’s offer was downright unreasonable and at this point he should be applying to any and every job, even those outside of his field. IMO he should even be going back to his old company and begging to get his position back.
Does your complex have single room apartments? It might be worth a try to work out a deal with them to move into one of those without sacraficing your deposit.