(Closed) I am beyond livid

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I absolutely understand how upset and frustrated you are. He told you that it would be within a year and now he is changing his mind. It sounds to me like there is something else going on in his mind though. Have you sat down with each other in a calm and non-defensive way and talked about all of this? Have you asked him what his reservations are and his reasoning behind trying to move the engagement back a little bit? I think threatening to move out in one month is a little harsh personally. You just hit two years together which really isn’t a long time esp. with one year of that being long distance and there may be a very legitimate reason that he is worried or holding off on proposing right away. I absolutely understand why you are upset but I think you need to try and work things out before just leaving!

Post # 4
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

I can understand why you’re upset, and I know a lot of people on here are fans of timelines, but I feel like one month is pretty short. 

I realize you already gave him the year timeline, but, I guess it me so quickly saying “a month or I’m done” is likely going to lead to giving up on a relationship, or pushing him into something he isn’t ready for.  A ring is really so important right now that you are willing to give everything up if you don’t get one in a month?

I don’t know how old you are, which might be important, but to me 2 years really isn’t that long, especially if on was LD. 

Post # 6
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Do what is right for you– I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 I waited for 6 years (1 LD, 3 living together). It was hard, but in retrospect my stubborn cold-foot husband who waited so long to propose was completely worth it. All I can say is guys are dumb 😉 Good luck!!

Post # 9
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Aw I am so sorry for what you’re going through, and I would be furious if my SO said part of our relationship didn’t count! That was a year of your life that you invested in him and it’s so rude for him to completely disregard that! Moving abroad for your SO and going through all of the challenging paperwork for a visa can be draining at times (I know from experience), he needs to be more understanding of your perspective! *Hugs* I hope everything works out for the best for you!

Post # 10
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t get what the rush is, why do you have to get married now, why is it life or death. My SO and I have been together for 6 years now, we will be married at 7 years, I wouldn’t care if we didn’t get married for many more years. I love him the same whether we are married or not, I treat the relationship no different and I don’t treat him any different.

Why would you push him into something he isn’t ready for, I think it is rude to give him an ultimatum like that. He will ask you to marry him when he is ready and it should never be anything but that, otherwise you are getting married on false pretenses.

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

So now if he does propose, it will be because you threatened to leave him otherwise? Is that really what you want? If he said he’s not ready, he’s not ready. I feel like an adult sit down is needed here, not a threat and not him telling you to stop talking about it. Men aren’t exactly excited to leap into situations where they feel like instead of proposing when they feel it’s right, they are joining a chain gang…

Post # 12
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I’m confused. If he loves you and you love him enough to go to the courthouse with him tomorrow, why aren’t you willing to calm down a bit and let him propose to you in his own way in his own time. 2 years is really not that long, and this is a big deal. By always bringing it up and pressuring him, you could be having the opposite of your desired effect on him. I think the ultimatum is childish. I do agree that you shouldn’t maintain the stutus quo forever, but it sounds to me like you have hardly given him the chance to enjoy the anticipation of engagement and you’re making him dread asking you.

Post # 14
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Tarheelgurl:  If you made all of these sacrifices to be with him, it really makes sense that you’re upset about this right now.  How long have you lived together?  Two years isn’t a long time, but LD DOES count for something and he shouldn’t have denied that.  I think that leaving in one month is a bit extreme.  I agree with others, have a calm, non-defensive conversation about this after you both cool down.  I waited 4.5 years to be engaged to my Fiance and I’ll wait until our 6 year mark until we get married.  It was a long wait, but it was well worth it.  However, I see why you can’t necessarily wait as long.  Have a good, calm conversation with him about it.  Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@Tarheelgurl:  From your defensive tone, I don’t think you’re really ready to address this properly. Take some time to breathe, to consider his feelings and anxieties, and to ahve an adult conversation. Lose the ultimatum. The picture you are painting is one in which in your rush to get engaged and married, you are tkaing all the joy out of it and are driving him away. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be promoting? If it is, you may not be emotionally ready for marriage. Everything you’ve said has been very focused on you, your wants, your desires, your sacrifices, etc. You, you, you. A marriage is a partnership.

I guess I fell so strongly about this because I was like you about my realtionship the first time I got married. I sort of forced it to happen and then it blew up in my face. With the past 5 years to reflect on that, I can see how my zeal to get married (and we were together for 3.5 years when we got married) brought the wrong emotions and motivations forward and sabotaged us.  Don’t do that to yourself and to your SO.

Post # 16
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I will say one thing… Fiance told me (before we got engaged) he was getting really uncomfortable with talking about the wedding and he’d like me to stop.  It turns out he did this because he was planning on asking me within the next week or so and he was trying to throw me off the scent. I don’t know your SO, but to about that before you decide to throw away what you have and leave because you are frustrated.

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