(Closed) I AM FED UP

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh my goodness. That sounds like such a frustrating, anger-inspiring situation. I can’t imagine my Mother-In-Law being that intrusive and aggressive. Calling your mom? Seriously? That totally sucks.

That being said, I would not send the email. I think it’s very rational and well-written, but I feel like anything at all you do to even acknowledge her meddling is just giving fuel to her fire. I’m sorry your Fiance isn’t stepping up to the plate, but he really needs to do so. This isn’t your battle to fight, it’s his. Not only that, but if you confront her when he doesn’t want to, it could give her more of an "in" thru him, you know? What’s his reason for staying out of it? 

ETA: So is she worried because you guys are pregnant? What was she like before that happened?

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

personally im very very much against writing notes & emails as my mother does this (my mum is a drunk & a bitch btw) and i now return them unopened. putting something down in writing is forever, if she is the type she will keep that FOREVER and every single time she feels like bitching she will have this written piece of evidence to show and tell to anyone she wishes

although you are not incorrect in what you have written, i think a face to face intervention would be better – with your hubby there by your side & backing you up.  making accusations is the surefire way to get her on the defensive so i would start by saying something like "i understand you phoned my mother about various things, i wish you would have asked me instead so do you have any concerns?" and then when she starts up say its him and me and we’re got it all sorted so butt out… nicely though

goodluck, i think trying to put a stop to her meddling is a great start!

Post # 5
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am so sorry. This sounds so incredibly frustrating.  I agree with amysue, though. Don’t send it.  Your husband HAS to talk to her.  I’d write a few angrier drafts with some more ‘colorful’ language though, just to de-stress a bit! I hope you get some satisfaction about this soon!

Post # 6
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Amandopolis – Don’t do it! I know you are extremely frustrated (I’ve seen your other posts), and I don’t mean to say that your mom-in-law is right and you are wrong, but I don’t think doing this will help and it might hurt.

I think you should change it to focus on the baby idea, but change the tone a little bit. I think if you can focus it on that you are hurt that she seems to think you are unable to take care of your own child, and that she is adding a lot of trouble to an already difficult, emotional, and hormonal time in your life, a time where you really feel like you need her support. Let her know that you want her to be a great grandma and a huge part of the baby’s life, but at this stage it is really hurting you that she seems to believe you won’t be able to care for it. Make sure you point out that you don’t think she’s doing it on purpose (even though she might well be!) but it’s hurting you. Towards the end you can say….I don’t know if I can keep talking to you with the same frequency because it can be very upsetting for you.

I don’t think she wants to hurt you, she thinks this is the best way to stay relevant in her son’s life – by tearing you down and making him feel like he needs mom to keep you both on the right course. If you let her know how deeply this is hurting you, while trying to keep the anger out, I think you might have a better result.

And, girl, if that doesn’t work, send the mean email and forget about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think it’s a very well-writeen and rational e-mail. I’m going to disagree with amysue and say send it. You said in your post that your husband refuses to do anything about it. If that is the case, then I think you have every right to say something to her. Should your husband fight this battle? Yes, but clearly he won’t. I think it’s completely normal and natural to want to defend yourself in a situation like this. She has no business calling YOUR mother. She has no business complaining about your thank you notes. She’s allowed to worry about you guys, it’s what parents do, but the level at which she is worrying is insane.

Good luck, hun. I have a feeling she’s not going to let up, but at least she’ll know how you feel. 

Post # 8
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Don’t send this email.  I can totally see where you’re coming from, but based on this and previous posts it seems certain your Mother-In-Law will use it as an excuse to make your lives more miserable.  You husband needs to stand up to her.  There’s no other way around this issue that I can think of…short of changing your names and phone numbers ๐Ÿ˜‰

I don’t really ahve any advice on how to get him to do that…but I can say that sending this email will make things worse for you.  If nothing else, at least say these things to her in person.  Though I maintain it should be with your husband if not him alone.

Meanwhile, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.  A big hug to you!

Post # 9
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m so sorry to hear about your MIL!  I agree with the ladies above though, once you put it down in writing its down forever.  That is definitely an awkward face-to-face conversation though.  I like MarzipanMrs’s suggestion to write more colorful drafts.  Good stress relief ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Try talking to your husband about how upsetting her behavior is to you and that you don’t need the added stress.  Especially with a baby on the way.  Congrats btw ๐Ÿ™‚  Maybe he’ll step up if you have a heart-to-heart.

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

"colorful drafts"… heheheh, maybe a face to face with powerpoint presentation! inlaws can be such a pita!

Post # 11
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

Do not send this e-mail!!

I am so sorry that you feel so smothered by your Mother-In-Law.  Ugh, I cannot imagine!! She sounds like a kook!!!

But, if you send this, you risk ruining your entire relationship and making matters worse.  She will dislike you and it will drive a wedge between her and her son.  It is his job to talk to her.  If he won’t talk to her, take her to lunch.  After you have a chance to cool off. 

Even the nicest of emails can be misinterpreted and this will most certainly NOT be taken well by her. 

I just do not think it is worth it.  Why does it bother you so much?  Is she calling you?  Don’t pick up the phone as much.  Is she calling your FI?  If it bothers him, tell him not to pick up the phone or to talk to her about it.   I think once you figure out why this makes you so upset, you might find a way to resolve the situation short of sending her an email which is sure to upset her.

Post # 12
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, just don’t accidentally send the colorful draft! : )

I just feel like sending this email will put your husband even more in the middle, and right now it sounds like there needs to be a way for you to be more united as a team against her negative influence.

Post # 13
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

A couple of good points from the pps.  Also, e-mails are a more passive way to address a concern.  So with this content of the letter, you are trying to assert yourself in a passive way.  It conflicts.  Also , the emotions in e-mails can often be miscontrued.  So she might think you are sounding nasty, enraged, etc, that maybe you wouldn’t sound in person (even if you felt it.)

Have you tried talking to her yourself?  I know you feel frustrated that your Dh isn’t  stepping up, but I’m hoping that if you feel you have to say something, that talking will come across less harsh.  But more effective.  Also can you have this talk with Darling Husband present, so it looks like he’s backing you up? 

 

Post # 15
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

That probably felt really good to write out, but there is no way I’d send it. I’ve found it’s best for my fi to deal with his mom and do the communicating with her. Ask your own mother to stop answering your mil’s calls or to ask her nicely to stop calling because she’s certain of your ability to handle any situation that comes your way.

This must be so frustrating for you on top of everything else it seems you’re dealing with. However, I think an email like this will do more harm than good.

Post # 16
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

*hug* I completely understand why you’d be upset, I’d be livid myself. Personally, I wouldn’t send such a letter even though your feeling are completely valid and you’re well within your rights to be angry. I don’t have any advice other than to not send that letter, perhaps your mom can explain to her that there’s no call for her to remind you to pay your bills etc seeing as your adults. And you can tactfully (again, I know you’ve had to do this before) let her know you’re a big girl and can take care of things yourself. Sorry you’re in this situation!

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