(Closed) I am getting married but thinking and dreaming of my ex..desperate, pls HELP!!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@tazso11:  i don’t think you’re going crazy, but perhaps yo should go speak with a marriage counselor about this. i’m sure it’s just your subconscious way of sorting through your upcoming events. but how strange is it that your ex is getting remarried on the same day as you? (if i read that correctly)  maybe that’s what stemmed all the weird dreams.  i used to have dreams about my first love… and then realized it was bc my Fiance wears the same cologne that he used to wear. i went out and bought him a new cologne and told him i really didn’t like the other one. 

Post # 4
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

You will never get completely, 100% over your first love. There will always be a small, sentimental part of you that looks back fondly on that time. But you need to realize that he was not a good guy to begin with. You also need to realize that first love is not always true love. 

You might also be confusing the feelings of loss over the last of your childhood/innocence with missing him. There’s so much of your carefree younger years tied up with your memories of this man.

There’s a book called “How to Fall Out of Love”. I recommend that, and as PP suggested, counseling. You need to be talking these feelings out with someone who can explain why you are having them and help you reconcile them. Even if you got back together with your ex and married him, IMO you would still be losing a lot more than you would be gaining, because your Fiance sounds like a much better person. Your ex sounds like kind of a dick.

Post # 5
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

by profession I am a counselor and I really think you should go see one. it could be a regular counselor or marriage. It seems that you are remembering these connections because u r looking to make the same commitment to someone new that you made in the past. You should just talk to someone that can help you sort out your confusion before you get married. 

Post # 6
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thats such a tough situation, I’ve been plauged by some unsavory dreams myself at one time or another so I can feel your pain. I agree with previous posters that you aren’t going crazy, and that I don’t think you will ever fully get over the person you loved for the first time. You made a promise to love this person forever, and obviously you took that commitment very seriously, which is a great quality! Your mind is playing tricks on you because you were obvioulsy very devoted to your ex. If you can have that  commitment with your new man, you and him will probably be on a very good track. If you aren’t comfortable going to seek external help like therapy, maybe just do some soul searching by yourself. Maybe take a spa weekend, just you and a good book to help you clear your head. I know taking some time for myself when I went through some weirdness in my own head helped me a lot.

Good luck honey!

Post # 8
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Don’t feel crazy..same thing is happening to me, although I never married my ex but we were engaged.

He ended up being an asshole and a cheater. But for some reason I was completely committed to give him my everything because I adored him. And part of my still misses the spark I had with him.

My Fiance is beyond amazing…loves me like I know I deserve to be loved. He loves me more than my ex ever did, and treats me like a princess. No harsh words, very encouraging, an all around amazing guy. He will make an amazing husband and someday father to our children. He is my true best friend, and we get along so well. I love him dearly.

But we don’t have that “spark” so to say as my ex and I did. I feel crazy because I dream about my ex all the time too. But I think it may be my subconcious telling me to let go and move on. That my FH is the better man.

I think your hurting because you feel like you two were supposed to have this life together…and he is sharing this with some other woman. My ex is seriously dating another younger girl and acts like he is madly in love with her (still cheating on her…but thats another story). They are planning on moving in together soon and talk about getting engaged with everyone. That was supposed to be ME. We were about to move in together when he dumped me.

You are not crazy by any means…but I do agree that you should go to counseling. I have went and it was good to talk to someone and get it all out.

Best of luck!

Post # 9
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it’s normal.  You’re about to make the same partnership committment to your Fiance as you have to someone else once before and it seems natural that you’d want to do an emotional portfolio review of that earlier time to make sure you learned enough from that experience to ensure it’s different this time. Seeking counseling might be just the thing–getting expert guidance in going over each aspect seems efficient to me.

There might be a need to grieve again, a bit, all that you’d put into that earlier marriage; maybe it seems like the last opportunity to do so without somehow doing a disservice to your new husband.

Post # 10
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I occasionally think about past people but I don’t feel it has to “mean” anything. I feel when we make big life changes (engagement and marriage) we mentally sort through our past to prepare for our future. 

A thought is just a thought. It’s not action. But since it bothers you I would open up to a professional because they are neutral and you can vent. 

Part of being a healthy adult is to be able to integrate our past with our present and future. It sounds like you are letting go of what was to prep for what is. 

Post # 11
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2003

I was never married before but part of me remains in love with my first love and always will. It took YEARS to get over him, I still dream about him sometimes, and don’t think that connection will ever really be broken. I have trained myself to realize that part of that love was fantasy, that he never really treated me in kind, and because he was my first I invested more of myself in him than I probably should have.

Be kind to yourself: you don’t have to erase the events and people that have made you who you are today. But I firmly believe that part of love and commitment is a decision to love and devote yourself, it is not just about passion or romantic feelings. Your new man sounds like he deserves to be well-loved and you are lucky to have found each other! Talk to someone if it helps, but maybe also learn to live with your ghosts…I am sure that allowing those memories to run their course would be easier and healthier than trying to exorcise them. 

Post # 12
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lichtetheway “I feel when we make big life changes (engagement and marriage) we mentally sort through our past to prepare for our future” – perfectly said! I agree that big life events make us think about the past and the future. We always try to fnd reasons as to why something happened or why we are where we are and your situation is simply that. Don’t feel bad for loving someone with your whole heart… like you should have! Things did not work out in the past but it looks like you have the whole world ahead. Sometimes people dream or think about their past SOs when you feel things were unresolved for you in some way. Do you think that might be the root of the issue? 

Post # 13
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

I think the main thing that you should remember is that you have no control over what happens in your dreams. It may also be because you are having these random dreams about your ex that you are starting to think of him more during the time when you are awake. Because your dreams are about good things you just start thinking about him more. Remember that you left him for a reason. That relationship obviously wasn’t right for either of you two, and you have both moved on to relationships that are right for the two of you. It would just be strange of you now to leave the man that you love and obviously loves you back to pursue the ex that you haven’t spoken to in ten years. 

 

I have dreams about my ex boyfriends all the time. Then I will wake up and start thinking about what things would be like if the relationships had worked out. I only have two exes, and in one case I would never, ever even imagine getting back with him, but the other relationship was fine, and it ended amiccably. I do have dreams about that guy, but I know that I would never act on those feelings since 1) it was almost 8 years ago, and I have been with my GREAT boyfriend for 5 of those years and 2) the guy has turned to a religion that is a bit out there, and I myself am not religious, and could not become religious just for his sake. 

Post # 14
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I also dream about my first love (we broke up 20 years ago!). I agree with PPs that it’s your brain’s way of dealing with all sorts of things that are coming to the surface because of this big step you’re taking.

Seeing a counselor wouldn’t hurt– not bc there’s something “wrong”– but just as a place to work through things.

Post # 15
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - old theatre and fancy hotel

I would do something symbolic to say goodbye to him. Maybe write a goodbye letter and burn it outside and let the wind take the ashes away. 

I know that sounds weird, but I was having a lot of problems from holding on to emotions from people who have hurt me, and this helped me SO much. 

 

Post # 16
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@tazso11:   If you believe in reincarnation, perhaps your ex had another role in your past life.  Maybe you have unfinished business with this person that you will need to resolve next life time.  Perhaps next lifetime he will have evolved into a better man and it’ll work out.

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