Post # 47
I think you can still hire the violinist – the cantor doesn’t need to be involved in all the music. You need to write out your own ceremony and tell the cantor what you want her involved with. You’re the bride – your Future Father-In-Law should have no say in what happens at your ceremony.
I would hire someone or a couple people to man your gift table and card box. Take everything out to your car or have your friends store it in their car until the wedding is over.
Post # 48
@cmbr: I just asked the wedding planner about gift table/gift box and she said no one does this, just have someone hold an envelope all day and collect them.. huh? Isn’t this weird?
Post # 49
@octoberbaby: If the contracts are in your FIL’s name, I say fuck him. Don’t give him your gifts (obviously) and let him be stuck with the bill if he’s such a moron.
Tell him his 10 guests are not invited. End of story. The two of you aren’t barbies he can play “let’s get married” with. This isn’t a game.
I also just read your update. Sweety, you only have 50 guests. If it is posisble, cancel the whole thing. Tell your guests the wedding ceremony has been moved to a park or other public, inexpensive place. Hire a violinist, and walk to your husband to be to the violin
Post # 50
@octoberbaby: that is weird. Seriously, cancel all of his extra shit.
Post # 51
@octoberbaby: My SIL’s parents tried to do this to her and my Brother-In-Law. They were going to throw her a big wedding, etc, etc. My Mother-In-Law was the one who said “be careful, they’ll want your envelopes…” No, they wouldn’t…. you wouldn’t, would you mom? Well… Big fight, we’ll plan our own wedding, thankyouverymuch.
If it isn’t customary to have a gift table or card box and people will just hand you cards or envelopes, hand them off to one of your parents or your attendants. Make it clear that MY MOM IS HOLDING THE GIFTS, GIVE HER THE GIFTS!!
Post # 52
@octoberbaby: I have never, ever heard of that. Maybe it’s regional? I would ask around. In my neck of the woods, there are people who prefer to bring boxed gifts, so we always need a gift table. Card boxes are pretty much essential here.
Post # 53
I just…I can’t even. I’ve seen some outrageous family behavior but this one’s gotta take the cake.
Post # 54
Wait a minute, isn’t the wedding planner his girlfriend’s friend? You need a LOCKED Box, asap. pm me, I can show you how to make one.
Post # 55
omg, elope. This is just NOT worth it.
Post # 56
@octoberbaby: You’re future Father-In-Law is a dick! You do NOT have to pay him with your wedding gifts. He said he would cover the costs and that is exactly what he needs to do. You wanted a small wedding, he is the one who insisted on more people, more decoration, more money; Father-In-Law should pay for it since he wanted it and said he would pay.
Don’t give him your presents. It will only encourage his manipulative, narcissistic behavior and send him the message that you are someone he can mess with. Try to explain (calmly) to your Fiance your side of it and also remind him that if your guests knew their gifts to you were going to his dad they could be pretty hurt or upset.
I hope it all goes okay. I’m really sorry you’re up against this.
Post # 57
@octoberbaby: I hate to say it, but I think the future with Father-In-Law will be harder if you don’t stand up to him. This is setting a precedent for him to bully you in the future. (That’s what he is, a bully.) Your Fiance doesn’t care about the details so he’s using that as an excuse for his father’s despicable behavior. I haven’t met a groom yet who cares passionately about wedding planning, but Fiance using that as an excuse for his dad to control the wedding is BS. Your Fiance needs to take into consideration that YOU DO care and your Future Father-In-Law is ruining your wedding.
Do you know who the cantor is? Does the wedding planner? If you’re not willing to fight your Fiance and Future Father-In-Law anymore for the wedding you want, you could always just call the vendors your Future Father-In-Law hired and ask them for things you want (ie: tell the cantor which songs you want or at least ask him what’s on the agenda so you know what to expect.)
I know confrontation can be hard and uncomfortable but I think giving in to this asshole now is going to make your future with him a lot harder.
Post # 58
@octoberbaby: If you let your Future Father-In-Law win now, you are defeated in your marriage. Futhermore, you can have a gift table. Your wedding planner had OBVIOUSLY spoken to your Future Father-In-Law I feel.
Call all the contracts, see whose name they are in. If they are in his, CANCEL everything and elope.
It is not worth it.
Look at it this way: 10 years from now you are going to look back at your wedding and wish you had done certain things.
Hire the violinist. Tell your Future Father-In-Law. No compromises.
Post # 59
@octoberbaby: A PP had a good point. Call all the vendors, change everything to what you want, and then make sure no changes can be made excpet by you.
Post # 60
There’s no way I’d have someone standing around collecting envelopes. Get a LOCKED box, that only you have the key to – especially considering the circumstances.
Post # 61
your Fiance needs to stand up to his father and support you not deal with this later!
FI needs to show some backbone & you too! They cant have a wedding without you!
At the very least get that cantor’s number and plan out how you want your ceremony with him Im sure he can refrain from singing when you are walking down the aisle