(Closed) I am in bits and I just don't know what to do

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh hon, i am so sorry this has come up and caused you so much distress. I hope you are able to get clarity with help fom your counselor. I had a similar situation more than 20 years ago, I tried for two years but was never truly able to put it behind me or trust my partner. We broke up and lo and behold, a couple of years later he came out as gay and now has a happy married life with a male partner. I hope it all works out for you, but as a friend said to me at the time “girl, once is curiosity – twice, you like it.”

Post # 4
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Pickles1:  i’m sorry you are going through this. 

are you going to be able to accept his past behaviour and be prepared for possible future behaviour?  if no, leave now. 

this happens to wives more than you realize.  it sounds like he is using you as a front for his secret obsession.

Post # 6
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Pickles1:  I’ve never heard of the whole blacking out thing and not remembering. I’m skeptical guess. I think I’d want the counselor to point me to some literature on the subject. I’m so sorry thas is happening to you. 🙁

Post # 7
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You need to get a new counsellor. The suggestion of blacking out is beyond absurd, it’s outrageous, ignorant at the least and highly unethical at the worst. Almost ANY form of memory repression has been fairly well debunked, let alone the type your counsellor is suggesting. Exactly what sort of trauma would cause a man to take AND THEN send naked photos of himself to anyone online, let alone a transexual? And seek out this unique type of sexual contact repeatedly?! It’s so rediculous my mind is exploding.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend has not “forgotten” he did these things.

Seriously, get yourself a new counsellor, like, yesterday. Preferably one who has a modicum of professional training. And definitely one who knows something about sex.

Btw, you can be a heterosexual man and still have a kink for transsexuals. This doesn’t have to be the end of your future, it could be the beginning of an honest, mutually-fulfilling sex life. 


Post # 9
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  It sounds like a nightmare for sure. 🙁  It really does seem to me like your fiance has a thing for transexuals, though, even if he won’t admit it.  I’m sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me.  I wouldn’t be willing to commit to a lifetime of this.  It’s good that he’s going to counselling with you, though.  As long as he’s willing to work on the issue, the relationship might be salvageable, but I would advise you to be very cautious and watch closely for any signs of a relapse.  I would also want to make 100% positively sure that he’s STRAIGHT before you marry him if I were you.  Seriously.  Nothing against homosexuals (as my own brother happens to be one and I support him 100%) but believe me when I warn you that you DON’T want to be a woman married to a homosexual man because it only leads to heartbreak and destruction of the marriage later.  I’ve seen it happen before–woman marries gay man not knowing that he was gay, man tries to suppress his true nature and live the heterosexual lifestyle, the couple have children together, all is picture-perfect for years, and then man decides that he just can’t do this anymore and leaves his wife for a boyfriend.  It’s a very sad situation for all involved.  Don’t let it happen to you!

Post # 10
9 posts
  • Wedding: February 2013

I am so sorry you are going though with this. It must be so difficult to think that you have finally known everything about one special person and then find out they have a hidden agenda.

What is he denying? Why is he getting so defensive? How could he ‘forget’ about all his actions?

Be strong. You have done everything in your power so far,  to question him about his actions.

I think with him staying in the hotel is a good idea for the time being. It sounds like the issues are his, that he must confront and deal with.

Post # 12
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Pickles1:  You’re welcome and good luck to you.  I wish all the best for you!

Post # 13
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@valintine: Well, dissociation  does exist. But it’s highly unlikely in this situation and this extreme type usually results from extensive and prolonged trauma.

Post # 14
901 posts
Busy bee

I am sorry you’re dealing with this. Your Fiance is attracted to transsexuals, that part is very clear. I am not so sure a heterosexual man can be attracted to a man who looks like a woman with a penis. I wonder if in his mind he finds this so-called “taboo” more acceptable than just getting involved with men. Sexuality is very complicated and to say someone is one way or the other is hard to discern from a post on a message board.

The best advice I can give you is to keep your eyes WIDE open and be honest with yourself about his tendencies. Perhaps if you really think about it, you’ll see other indicators of sexual behavior that may not be in line with a traditional heterosexual marriage.

I don’t think I’d be able to get beyond this, so I know how you feel.

Post # 15
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Pickles1:  I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

I think this is a long running issue. He doesn’t remember doing this? What? I am not sure I believe that.

Anyway, I guess the question here is do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? I understand that he’d be ashamed, but he keeps lying to you and that isn’t right. The fact that it’s transsexuals is almost a moot point. Yeah it may be taboo, but since he’s in a relationship, if he was doing this with women it would be wrong. If he was doing this with men it would be wrong.

He hid that third email account from you. He keeps lying. What else is he hiding?

Obviously this situation is totally crappy, but it’s probably good that you found out before you got married. He seems obsessed w. transsexuals. Obsessions like this aren’t good for marriages.

I’d continue counselling maybe before you make any decisions, but definitely don’t marry him yet… if ever.

Post # 16
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@RedAngelDreamer:  Yes, straight men can be interested in transsexuals. It does not immediately make him gay. Transsexual women don’t see themselves as men. If he was gay, he’d likely be looking at gay porn. Of course, there is a possibility that he’s gay but wrongly using transsexuals to make it okay in his head, but it really doesn’t sound that way.


@Pickles1:  If you’re bothered by the idea of transsexuals, this will likely end up a deal breaker for you. I don’t think I’d be so quick to judge his motivations, or to assume he’s lying about remembering doing these things. You should find a counsellor for yourself. If this isn’t something you’re comfortable with dealing with, there’s no shame in that. Get yourself the help you need to be okay, and encourage him to do the same.

But regardless of your thoughts of the future and what you had pictured, you have to make sure you do what is right for you. There’s nothing inherently wrong with him looking at alt porn (unless you have an issue with the subject, the porn, etc). Trans porn doesn’t mean he’s gay, but only you can decide if you’re okay with the idea that he watches that kind of porn. Also it is okay to be honest with youself whether’s it’s the porn itself or the variety he has been watching (i.e. would you be comfortable if he was watching a whole lot of lesbian porn vs. trans porn?)

Also, work with the counsellor to determine what it is that made you check his phone and accounts in the first place. That’s no way to have to live. I won’t tear into you for doing it, but you shouldn’t have to feel that way. Take care of you first. Then determine if you can, and want to make it work with him. If not, it will be okay (even though it may not seem that way now).

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