- 4 years ago
Hello. I am 24 y.o. (Nearly turning 25), and I am a Christian. I am seeking help out there to give me advice as to whether I should push through with our wedding or not. I’m planning to make this short (hopefully it will be), but here it goes:
We’ve been together for a year now. We knew we were meant for each other as soon as we got to know each other, you know it’s that type of a revelation to couples that we know we’re “The Right One”. And it’s also that type of relationship that has gone A LOT of trials and challenges already- financial challenges, approval of my parents, and some other personal issues with our differences, relationships with our family, etc. He has Chinese blood and I’m pure Filipina, hence we have a great deal of differences when it comes to making decisions, or simply In the way we think and speak and act.
We are so in love with each other and he has taught me a lot of things. Same with him, I have also taught him many things. In short, we’re helping each other to mature and face the world with courage and boldness.
Last year, we already planned to get married in a Christian church. That time, his business was still booming and he was earning a lot of money (“A lot” here in the Philippines means “enough”, ‘cos, you know, life here is quite hard). We had talked to a lot of people comcerning the preparations of the wedding (wedding manager/organiser, make up artist, photography/videography guys/wedding dress seamstress, et cetera). We have also bought our wedding ring and it is really beautiful.
However, as the PLANNED wedding date came close, there had been a sudden flop of the business. Suddenly, all the people we contacted were also gone- we had to postpone everything. The only thing that we had (until now) is our wedding ring.
Because of lack of enough financial source, we opted to delay it by next year.
Until one day, I decided to ask for my dad’s help for me to get to the UAE (Here in the Phils, it is but a trend to go abroad and work there ‘cos we think and we know there is a better future when we work in another country, given that there is indeed a higher salary compared here in my own country). I requested that, if he is willing, he can also help my fiancé to go there. BUT BEFORE everything else, the only way for my fiancé to go there with me is IF we are ALREADY married, since I would bear his last name when by then. However, let’s face the truth: How can we get married in the church (there are A LOT of expenses) if we have no enough funds for it?
Because of that, we decided to be wed by law, instead (civil wedding). Not to mention that we have actually been struggling with my parents for their approval of me getting married (‘cos I am the eldest daughter and they could not easily let go of me). I underwent a very tough and painful path in “convincing my parents”. And the story wasn’t over yet:
There were humongous adjustments that we had to make to appease my parents, our struggle has been so real to the point that I have depression and PAINFUL fights with my mother. The effects are vast to the point that my relationship with my whole family has been affected. It became even worse when I had to battle wih them our decision to have civil wedding instead (‘Cos right from the start, my parents were insisting that we should be wed in a church. By the way, they’re pure Catholics and I’m the only one Christian in the family).
Now, to add up to the initial problem, my fiancé’s mother has requested that even AFTER we get married (the civil way), I (should) still stay in OUR house, and my then-husband (should) stay in theirs. Please delay the negative reaction, there are reasons as to why she requested for that set-up:
1) The wedding is a private one. The only people who should know it are my first blood-related family, and his first blood-related family. No one else, even our best friends. The reason? They thought it would be “nicer” or “better” for it to stay that way, UNLESS we’re in the UAE already. they are (avoiding) potential issues that may come frim their relatives saying that “Oh, they’re young and do not have “stable job”, why the haste? Something like that.
2) They say that if I would move in with them in their home, the neighbors might spread negative issues about us, saying it was too abrupt, or maybe I am pregnant that’s why we got married too soon, or aomething like that also.
Now I don’t know but I had a sense of being pissed off, or disappointed, or maybe hurt when my fiancé was telling me these things. In my mind, I was questioning him as to why he was listening to his mother’s suggestions. Why not convince her for me to move in with him, SINCE I ALREADY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO SO ‘COS I AM HIS WIFE. I disregarded these feelings thinking that “maybe, they were right”. And anyway it would last only as long we stay here, while waiting for our papers to be processed and finally fly abtoad.
By the time my fiancé talked to my mother to present this request to her, my mother was infuriated. Because of this, my fiancé and I disregarded that kind of set-up and opted to the normal way of having husband and wife living together, no matter what issues that may arise, or any negative comments from others. He talked to his mom and told her it is a no-no for my mom. The idea of my mother being infuriated is way worse than anything else. And I say that with conviction.
DESPITE the withdrawal of our planned set-up, the following days were like emotional torture to me. We had painful fights because she was convincing me (yet again) to JUST STAY SINGLE and go abroad with a single status. I said I would go abroad only if I am with my fiancé (my husband by then), because we would never want to be apart. My mother told me that she still has dreams for me, dreams that I can accomplish all by myself. She said she is longing for me to be successful in my chosen career, and that she wants me to save up money for myself first, before having to get married. She said she wants me ti have my own money so that I can do whatever I want, I can go wherever I want, etc. In short, she is envisioning a single life for me. All those were triggered again after that “request” my fiancé’s mother made. My own mother told me she is not feeling good towards his family, and that my fiancé seems to have no own decision for both of us, and that why should he listen to his mother concerning our lives together as husband and wife. To my mom, it never made sense, despite the reasons that I mentioned above. She even told me she’s feeling wary and histile towards his family, that she thinks they are prideful (Because why in the world should they hide me from people, albeit a private wedding?)
What I wanted to ask is, do you think I should go on with our marriage? Given the circumstances? I do want to work abroad, as soon as possible, and of course my fiancé also does. But marriage is not something that we should hurry up, right? What advice can you give to me? I seriously need help from anyone. Or if there are also Christians out there, could you also give advices in light of the words of God? I will be waiting for your responses. Thank you very much.
P.S. I love my fiancé so much. We’ve been through a lot and our relationship has stood the test of time! He has always been willing to go above and beyond his capabilities just to help me in something, encourage me, support me, and show me how strong and deep his love is for me. By this, I can say that our love for each other is irreplaceable and rooted in the love of God. And we know that we are ready to be husband and wife. We’re turning 25 and I believe that is an age when the mind, heart, and soul are ready for the next level.
Do you think I should still take into consideration everything my mom has told me? Given that she has some unquestionable decision-making skills and very emotional tendencies? What do you think?
P.S. #2: I didn’t expect it to be this lengthy, though.