(Closed) I am lost for words, need advice

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You snooped and you got what you were looking for.   You don’t trust him, doesn’t really matter if he did anything or not – if you don’t trust him there is already a huge problem.  

Post # 4
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh my 🙁 I think he has cheated.

I’m sorry.

After some time to process, you’ll have a good sense whether you still want to try to work things out with him. If so, I think this is possible, and I would suggest marital counselling, because it won’t be easy to get the trust back.

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you should go with your gut. Having an escort service in his phone is very suspicious and denying it makes it even more suspicious. I think you should sit him down and give him one last chance to come clean. Be suspicious of his answer (he may have had time to think of a lie) and ask for verification. If he won’t tell the truth or you don’t believe him, then IMO I don’t think you can save the relationship. If he does admit it, then you can decide whether to work on rebuilding trust or not.

Post # 6
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you.  I’ve never had this happen to me so unfortunately I don’t have any advice but I am on your side.  I don’t think you did anything wrong looking through his phone.  Especially after what you saw.  If I saw that on my DH’s phone and he was already asleep, I would definitely do some research before waking him up and accusing him of anything. *Hugs* and best of luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Has he had his bachelor party yet?

Post # 8
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@peachacid:  This is what I was thinking, too – perhaps its a bachelor party thing?  But escort service is kinda different from strippers – isn’t an escort more of a date that you get to sleep with at the end of the night??

ETA:  In reply to one of the PP’s who said you snooped, so you get what’s coming – if you in fact opened his browser by mistake and saw an escort page open thinking it was your phone, it’s not really snooping and once you see something that gives you rise to be suspicious, which you did – I mean, why else is a guy on an escort page on his phone?? – then I don’t think it’s “snooping” anymore.

Post # 9
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@futuremrsk18:  That’s my understanding. Maybe OP can clarify. If it was for his bachelor party though, why wouldn’t he just admit when he knew she found the number?

Post # 10
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

“Escort service” is another name for prostitute, not the kind you pick up on the street, but the kind that you call to make an appointment with. It’s a short appointment, less than an hour or even half an hour often, not a whole evening and there’s no taking them out on the town beforehand or anything (that could be done, in theory, but it’s generally not what is done). They cost more than the ones on the street, generally.

They are not strippers.

Post # 11
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I never understand why these threads always devolve into blaming the OP for snooping.  “Trust issues” has become a loaded term aimed only at making women feel bad for listening to their gut.  For Pete’s sake, this woman found out that her Fiance is calling escort services.  It’s not like we have evidence that she keeps her Fiance on a leash or regularly monitors his accounts.  Let’s keep the focus (and blame) where it should be.

OP, I’m really sorry that you’ve been hit with this.  It really seems impossible that he could come up with a logical explanation for this, especially since he’s already started gaslighting you (“I know Google says it’s an escort service, and when you called it sounded like an escort service, but it’s NOT”).  If you want to get to the bottom of it, I’d give him one chance to come clean.  But I hate to say it, if he’s going to hold tight to this story, I doubt you’re going to get the truth without reviewing cell phone bills and credit card statements.

That website and phone number did not get into his phone by accident.

Post # 12
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First and foremost… (( HUGS )) because I can tell from your post that you are filled with so many raw emotions right now…

— — —

The obvious thing is the two of you need to do a lot more talking about this issue.

It has to be fully out in the open… and he needs to be dead honest with you.

I’d start by telling him you are now hurt and suspicious that what he has done (entry on phone) and told you (it’s nothing… not WHO, WHAT etc you think…) don’t match up (from what you can see he’s lied)

Tell him the TRUST is broken… maybe even outright GONE.

And so will be you… if he doesn’t come clean 100%

Trust is THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT in a Marriage… if you don’t have that, then you don’t have anything (no marriage for sure)

Trust can be rebuilt but it is very very difficult, and takes TONS of work … and usually a whole lot of VERY EXPENSIVE Marriage Counselling.  And even then there is no promise, that you will not forever be in the H#LL of self-doubt and being suspicious about your partner (not how any one wants to live their life, let alone enter a marriage)

Honestly, IF you don’t get the answers you need… or don’t like the ones you do get, then you need to get out NOW.

Sure it sucks, breaking an Engagement (hassle of cancelling the Wedding), and giving up the life the two of you have established as a couple (a home)…

BUT as an Encore Bride, I can tell you that it is a zillion times better than being married to THE WRONG GUY.  Someone who is NOT DESERVING of you.  A life filled with heartbreak, and a marriage that is phoney, isn’t fun at all  And way more difficult to break off / get out of (Divorces REALLY SUCK… and cost tons of money etc… and the emtional effects / damage is far more devastating)

YES much better to do it NOW if need be… 

Lady Di (Princess Diana) should have NOT listened to her Sister (MOH) just before her wedding to Prince Charles, when Di was having second thoughts, having become suspicious of Chuck & Camilla…

Her Sister said… “Too Late Now… your face is already on the Tea Towels” (a reference to all the Pre Royal Wedding media hype, and the many souvenirs)

Diana should have trusted her gut instinct… and called the thing off right there and then (oooh could you imagine the scandal tho ?).  BUT in the end the fair dear would have been much much better off.

Don’t set yourself up for a life of heartbreak… get to the bottom of this whole affair (possible pun)… NOW

BEFORE you walk down the aisle.

If you never TRUST him again is one thing… but DO PUT TRUST in yourself and your women’s intuition… us gals have it for good reason !!

Hope this helps,

EDIT TO ADD (as I’ve just read their replies)

Good info here from joya_aspera: and sportsgal31: .  Escorts ARE NOT Strippers.  They are a fancy name for a Prostitute…

Sure they may be part of what is going on for the upcoming Bachelor Party… but you can read any of the countless heartbreaking stories here on WBee about Brides-2-B that have discovered WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS IN THE PLANS, and WHAT ACTUALLY WENT DOWN (another bad pun) at their Finace’s Bachelor Party were two vastly different things.

(Don’t get me started on how men call all this “activity” innocent fun… or pass it off as “just strippers”… when there is soooo much more going on.  IF ONLY more women knew more about “strippers” and how they tie into the Sex Trade)

As for breaking trust… YES the part where fellow women chastise a girl for “snooping” further after truly finding out something (a REASON TO BE SUSPICIOUS) is beyond me.  No reason to snoop… then fine the argument that snooping is poor behaviour is a valid one.  BUT find out something “inappropriate” (or even possibly so) about your guy… then the TRUST IS ALREADY IN QUESTION (by the other person’s role in the event)… so it is fair game to snoop / ask Questions / find proof etc.

 

Post # 13
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

@sportsgal31:  This exactly!! I hate it when people get into the whole “you snooped, you got what was coming to you” thing. That’s just ridiculous! In a committed relationship, it’s not a big deal to glance at each others’ phones, especially if it’s a smart phone. There’s internet and pictures on there and all kinds of stuff. There’s a lot of reasons to take a glance at the phone besides checking up on the guy.

But you know what? I think it’s just smart and good policy to check up on your guy now and again, especially if you have a gut feeling that something is amiss. I have done it and I will continue to do it if I see fit. You can say I have “trust issues” all you want, whatever that means, but I say it’s a matter of protecting myself. Clearly, the OP needs to take immediate measures to protect herself upon learning this information.

I agree with another poster that it might have been better to do further investigation and get more facts before confronting your Fiance. In your shoes, I’m not sure I would have had the self-control to do that. Now you can bet he’s covering his tracks. But the thing is, men are just not that smart or thorough. There’s likely other evidence lying around.

OP, you need to get an STD test and insist that your Fiance get one as well. I’d also get a copy of your FI’s detailed phone records to see if he ever called that escort service (or any other escort service for that matter). 

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but please don’t just ignore it.

Post # 15
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

Sorry you are going thru this OP but what did you mean by saying this isn’t the first time?

He had left a escort page open. Whatever, I didn’t think too much of it because this isn’t the first time and I know guys look at porn.

x

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