(Closed) I am mad at my mother today. Feeling resentful.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

But it is your decision, isn’t it? And where is your Fiance in this? What does he want for his wedding? 

 

Post # 20
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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sylwia212:  I think you need to understand that now that you’re engaged, it’s not just your mom that you need to stop oversharing with. If you’re in the habit of telling your friends about your relationship frustrations, your disagreements, and sharing your reasoning about important life decisions before those decisions are made, you need to stop. The problem isn’t that your mom is your mom first and your friend second–the problem is that you shouldn’t even be sharing many of these things with your friends.

Once you’ve chosen to tie yourself to someone for life, you need to monitor what you say about them and how you say it to EVERYBODY, because once your friends and family (who are predisposed to take your side) hear about disagreements and fights and disappointments, they are going to start judging your husband. And you don’t want to be constantly caught between your friends and your husband. This isn’t your boyfriend who might not stick around forever; this is your husband, who will. You have an obligation to protect him and your marriage. Once you become an adult and choose marriage, you lose the right to bitch about him to anyone ever, unless it’s totally minor. You also lose the right to share your frustrations with anyone but a marriage counselor. It sucks sometimes, but understand that everything you put out into the world and vent about is going to stick around and haunt your husband forever now. Long after you’ve forgiven him, your mom will still be remembering random bullshit about your Darling Husband that you told her 8 years ago.

You also need to learn to make decisions as a couple and not to share those decisions with anyone until they’re finalized. So you don’t chat with your mom and say, “Oh, yeah, we’re deciding between an outdoor ceremony and a church. I want X and Fiance wants Y,” or whatever. You just make decisions together, don’t let anyone else in on the process, and then announce what you’ve chosen once you’ve decided. Until then, if your mom asks, you just say, “We’re still deciding” and leave it at that. If your mom tries to weigh in by saying you should do X, Y, or Z, you just say, “We’ll think about that and let you know when we’ve made a decision.” 

I hope I didn’t come off as too harsh. It’s just that it sounds like you made some mistakes by oversharing some things with your mom in the first place and she already resents your Fiance about a few things. It’ll help if you understand that you just can’t fuel that fire anymore and that you need to understand your role in letting it get to this point so that you don’t have to deal with this anymore and your Fiance doesn’t have to deal with your mom openly disrespecting him anymore. Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

I thought you went to the justice of the peace to get married and now you are planning a Catholic wedding event. You should always be clear on your vision and values. Then no one else can talk you into something you do t want. If an idea is presented. ask yourself does this fit in w my vision and values. 

Post # 22
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

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Mrs. Honeybee:  Totally agree. OP, if you let your mom have a say in these things now against your better judgement…well, just wait til you get pregnant and have kids. That should be fun for you and your husband.

Post # 23
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

A mum is almost ALWAYS a mum first and a friend second. It is rare for a mum to truly be able to distance herself from a parenting role, even with adult children.

But if you are an adult, you need to start acting like one. Be clear on what you want and when you want it, and don’t allow her to tell you otherwise. That’s not to say you shouldn’t take her advice when it is good, just that you need to weigh her advice the same way you would advice from anyone else. If it works for you, great; it not, then you cannot be afraid to tell her that it isn’t what you want and that you will be doing things differently.

Like you said, at the end of the day, you mostly got the wedding you wanted. I’d get over the fact that she pressured you, because it was your choice to succumb to that pressure. Now you know what to expect for the future with things she feels strongly about. She will likely try to pressure you again about something, but it won’t be her fault if you choose to do what she asks. 

Post # 24
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

If you don’t want/cannot afford a big wedding–cancel the plans and make ones you want/can afford.  My own parents were pissed I wasn’t having a church wedding and having a small courthouse ceremony.  They got over it and even liked my ceremony.  If she loves you, she will eventually just get excited you’re getting married.

Be sure to tell her you don’t appreciate her comments towards Fiance.  My husband’s mother is very insulting towards me and he knows he has to stick up for me to her even though it’s hard.

My mother also didn’t like my ering.  My parents didn’t like that we had a long engagement due to me wanting to finish school before marriage.  But, it’s not their relationship.  Parents are opinioned but if they love you they will still love you.

Post # 25
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

I too have been veritble salt mine before with my mom. I am VERY close with my mom, we had a rough early lilfe and she was there for me 100%. I tell her most things now, within reason. 
Darling Husband and I had a long engagement, and she too questioned me. Are you sure, honey? Just looking out for you. Uh, ma, calm it, it was our choice to wait. Just saying, honey!! Sigh, okay mom. 

I get the ‘invading the mind’ thing!! Often, I replay conversations and it bthers me with the outcome I chose and I get bummed out thinking about it. 

Not sure what I can suggest other than, maybe vent here and if you can say, OK mom, enough please. I get your looking out for me, but I got this. Following PP advice, I thinka  good sleep and just trying to put this incident behind you is a good thing. It’ll probably come up again in your mind, but vent here or try to work it out. 
Good luck!! 

Post # 26
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand that you are venting, but I think you would feel better if you took responsibility for the choices you’ve made regarding the wedding, and stopped saying that your mother manipulated you into them. Right now you are feeling out of control, and it would probably make you feel better if you realized how much control you actually have/had.

I get it, because my Fiance and I made some compromises with our parents, too, that we’re not happy about, but knowing that they were choices makes us feel empowered to make different choices next time.

Ultimately, you wanted a big wedding, just on a different timeline, and that’s what you’re getting. I see what your mom is saying. Also, I don’t understand why you chose a dress for her to wear? That doesn’t seem up to you.

Post # 27
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I feel for you. What a loss. You’ve lost your mom as a friend. I hope this is just a small episode in your lifetime of a relationship with her. It’s the money issue that a lot of Bees see here. If you are paying for the wedding, back out of it. Take the deposit hit if you have to but straighten that out and save your money. That’s pretty big. Take the lesson and get control back. Practice the words — write them down even — that get you back to even with your Mom. Non-aggressive or judgemental ways of phrasing things, like, “I see all of your points, Mom, and I appreciate the time you’re taking to talk me through these decsions. But I feel my decision of X is best for me and Fiance. I’d like us all to move in that direction.” I find writing phrases and even whole paragraphs works for me when I am facing an easy-to-go bad conversation. You’ve learned a lot already in this. Good luck, I really mean that.

Post # 28
Member
16 posts
Newbee

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sylwia212:  

hey there – i completely relate – especially the part about your mother making your waiting period miserable. my mom did the same exact thing, and i feel like she ruined my entire engagement. instead of it being a happy, joyful event, it was exactly as you described – “it didn’t feel like “OMG mom, guess what happened???”. It was literally “There, happy now?” moment.” i feel robbed of the engagement experience because of what she did and the trouble she caused. it didn’t happen organically and i felt extremely pressured, like it wasn’t even my choice to get enagaged. i’m not a girl who grew up dreaming of her wedding, but this was one of the few things that WAS important to me – having a fun engagement experience – and she ruined all of it. 

i’m sorry that you are continuing to have to deal with your own mother and feel like you’re not getting the wedding you truly want. after my mom messed up my engagement experience, she then tried to ruin the wedding planning experience, badgering me about why my fiance’s parents would not contribute to the wedding financially (i really don’t care about this) and trying to cause drama regarding this issue. eventually i flipped out and blocked her on my phone. i live across the country so that’s our main form of communication. 

i am very close to my mother as well, but i realized that i need to put my mental health as my number one priority. sure, i’d like my mother to be happy on my wedding day, but NOT at the expense of my sanity! 

the unfortunate thing is that i feel a part of me will always resent her for ruining my enagement. 

 

Post # 29
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I lost my mom very suddenly last November. Something I would always tell myself if I found myself irritated/frustrated with her was that one day she wouldn’t be here to irritate and frustrated me, and so I should be patient and kind because she was my mom and my BFF and the most amazing person ever. I’m SO glad I kept that perspective.

Mother daughter relationships are complex, even the best of them. Life is short and time is precious and at the end of the day we’re all (for the most part) doing our best and are toughest on those we love the most. I’m sure your mom means well, so try not to let the crazed momzilla of the bride stuff get to you… this too shall pass LOL 

Post # 30
Member
5434 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Sylwia are you polish? Because I am and can tell you that 99.9% of polish/European mom’s are like this. You described my mom to a t and i know its just the way they are/were raised. The ridiculous he’s stringing you along comments and meddling.  Don’t take it personally. 

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