(Closed) I AM NOT GREEDY!! But seriously people!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: exactly! i remember when i was little my grandma found a box of old cards/letters from when my grandpa was overseas. and i thought it was soo cool that she kept all that stuff, so i decided to start doing the same. 

Post # 33
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@ScarletBegonia: I keep every card I receive, and especially remember and cherish them if there is something really heartfelt written.

I do think it is rude to not give any sort of gift to the bride and groom.  If you cannot afford a gift, at least give them a nice card.  SO much hard work (and money) goes into planning a wedding and reception, it’s the least you can do to give SOMETHING, even if it is just a card.

Post # 34
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I sooooo understand the feeling!  I just had my wedding…..I had over 200 guests and received about 90 cards that had money and about 10 gifts total!  Don’t get me wrong…..We are very blessed for what we received, because we really didn’t need anything.  But, it did hurt that we had so many family and friends show up to our wedding and some of them didn’t care enough to even buy us a card.  We put a lot of hard work and time into our wedding so that it would be enjoyable for everyone…..food, cake, candy, alcohol….etc….

My husband and I always give couples something when we go to weddings…….It’s just sad that everyone one doesn’t feel the same……

But, in the end, everything turned out LOVELY and we are very happy Smile

Post # 35
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i am like some PPs where most of our gifts came from those who declined to attend. but i think my situation is different in that i had a Destination Wedding in Jamaica, so for those few that did get us a gift and come to Jamaica, i was pleasantly surprised and not expecting it at all!  

although i guess i was hoping/expecting cards from my BMs.  and basically 3 of my 4 BMs did NOT get us a wedding card. I like to keep those things as mementos.  As for my BFF/MOH in particular, i knew her well enough not to expect a gift, but i was put off that she couldnt bother to get me a card…..but then again she did do a surprise speech at my reception, that was a huge thought that counts!  

Another Bridesmaid or Best Man did not get a card or gift, but her wedding was soon after mine and i have mailed her a wedding card, and a thank you card for attending my Destination Wedding. i have yet to receive anything from her…..

for myself personally, i could not fathom showing up at a wedding without at least a card. either there is money in it or i have already bought something from the registry. 

Post # 36
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I find this all very odd- we got something from each and every one of our invited guests, even if they couldn’t make it. I’ve always thought it was standard to bring a card with cash/check enclosed. 

The only time i don’t gift is for 3rd weddings, but I don’t usually attend either (not because I don’t agree.. it just gets expensive! Several of my cousin’s have been married multiple times- I swear to god I should get divorced and cash in on the second and third wedding gifts our family gives!)

Post # 37
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I grew up believing that u should give a gift or a card with money in it.It was explained to me this way.The bride and groom are starting their new lives together and giving helps them to build up their home.Items that are needed.Towels, and since my Fiance is a machanic and he has to buy his own tools,a couple of tools will be on our registry,a toaster,a bookshelf for the living room,etc.The only thing that we dont need,but want, will be a big screen tv,my Fiance insists on it.sigh.REally doubt that we will get it though!

Im not going to register at an expensive store.Sears is the most expensive we will go.Kohls and then maybe Target.

Post # 38
1692 posts
Bumble bee

Be a little careful with the idea of bringing a dessert. In many circles that is de-rigeur: especially if the norm for entertainment has several people bringing contributions of different sorts to the meal, or if service is always buffet-style so that the dessert can be put out beside any other desserts, or if three-course meals are generally not planned.

On the other hand, if your hostess has carefully balanced her menu with her wines, and chosen a pinot noir that will perfectly complement the cheesecake made from scratch from her grandma’s secret recipe, she is not going to look kindly on you dessert contribution even if it isn’t store-boughten. Yes, a good hostess will serve it anyway and smile and not bat an eyelash, but at best that will be because she appreciates the thought. A bottle of wine is better since she can put that into her wine cellar for some future day when it does suit her menu; and flowers are good, but best if you have them delivered earlier in the day so that she doesn’t have to interrupt greeting her guests to cut the stems and arrange them (or diss your gift by dumping them quickly in the kitchen sink with the stems in some quickly-poured water, to avoid neglecting her other guests.)

None of which has anything to do with wedding presents. I wonder how much gift-giving practices are affected by guests’ experiences at the last several weddings they went to; or their exposure to other brides on television shows and message boards like this one. I know that I am tempted to wait and send wedding gifts after the actual event, in order to allow any potential shock and horror to mitigate my generous impulses BEFORE I commit to that soup tureen 🙂

But, traditionally, what is required from guests in appreciation for your entertainment and as evidence of their kind thoughts is a) a kind hand-written note of congratulations upon first hearing of your engagement, and b) a thank-you note sent on the day after the party; both of which are most correctly written in black ink on white paper — not gifts, money, or (even) cards.

Post # 39
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: I completely agree with you. I was raised the same way and always feel compelled to bring something, no matter how small, as a token of my gratitude and honoring whomever has been kind enough to welcome me into their home or event. It’s times like these that I’m reminded of this small scene from the classic film 12 Angry Men

Juror #11: I beg pardon… 

Juror #10: “I beg pardon?” What are you so polite about? 

Juror #11: For the same reason you are not: it’s the way I was brought up. 

Post # 40
3315 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Our view was actually the opposite.  We had guests who came and didn’t bring a gift.  We were glad they had done so rather than stay home out of embarrassment at not being able to afford a gift.  After all, if we invited them, they were people we wanted to celebrate with us, gift or no gift.

Post # 41
12 posts
  • Wedding: October 2011

people has different view point on this issue, do not mind others’ aation. Maybe some others had supported the couple with money through online Wedding Registry.

Any way, i think for most guests as well as me would take something in hands when attending a wedding.Like some above said, even it is a DIY card or store-buy dessert. 🙂

Good Luck and may you a happy bride.

Post # 42
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

2 things – trying to address what people have said about my post:

1.  I think I’m actually in the minority, i’m sure most people save cards, but I’m a reverse pack rat and I HATE having things cluttering up my house.  So whether we’re talking cards or unwanted gifts, things will end up in the trash and i can’t abide that waste.  Money would be awesome to get because it isn’t wasteful, but its not expected at all (and I had a similar experience to one of the PPs, with my grandmother saving a box of letters from my grandfather during the war…i see a HUGE difference between heartfelt letters from man to wife and 80 cards that say “congratulations!!”).  

2.  A few people have commented that its impolite not to bring gifts because brides and grooms put so much effort into a wedding, that they should be thanked and rewarded for that…i don’t subscribe to that notion at all.  My fiance and I have chosen to have a wedding that we can afford and that reflects our taste, and we want people to come celebrate our marriage with us.  Why should THEY thank US for that???  THey are already there to support and encourage us, why do we get a gift or money on top of that?  I just don’t understand it at all.  I’m obviously not saying that you ladies are wrong, its all a personal choice and a personal opinion, I’m just saying i don’t get it.  

Post # 43
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

For me, a wedding gift is about helping a couple start married life off on the right foot.

It’s not about covering the cost of your plate, it’s not even about ettiquette, it’s about taking the time to say “hey – you’re my friend / family etc, we love you and want you to have a great married life and hope that our gift helps you to achieve that”.

And FWIW, if you can’t be arsed and make the effort to organise a gift or even a card for the married couple then why are you even going to the wedding?!

Post # 44
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Same thing surprices me when I look at my registries. They are naked, but one gift from my mom’s friend, who is russian (as we are) and it’s a russian thing to buy gifts for newliweds,and never come empty-handed anywhere. I still got 7 days till the wedding, so I am guessing some people will bring something, even if not from registries. But then I assume some certain people not to bring anything, I am pretty much ready for it.

There are some things on my registries that we really need,like bed sheets – ours are ugly and old and only 1 set, so we sleep on a bare bed if they didn’t dry enough, when washed. Or plates, man we got 3 dinner plates in our house :))) But if no one gets them for us, we certainly would go and buy them ourselves.

Post # 45
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

our gift table will be fairly empty. we told everyone coming to the rehersal dinner if they were getting us anything to bring it then so we didnt have to worry about everything getting to the car the night of the wedding. its just easier that way (plus sneaky me can get a head start on ty notes  when i cant sleep the night before too lol)

Post # 46
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

This not giving wedding gifts IS a new thing, and I’m not sure where it originated. Whether its before or directly after or AT the wedding, everyone I know has ALWAYS given a gift. I can’t even imagine not doing so.

I have all my wedding cards in a satin bag, so even after 30 years, I still have them too. Horror of horrors…we also have the amounts given written on the backs! I still get annoyed when is see the card where my husband’s cousin and his date gave us $5.00. lol

Where I live and in my family and circle of friends, we give gifts for the shower AND wedding, but not usually for engagements or Batchelorette parties. Everyone does things differently, so I guess its better to do things the way you were raised and have seen,right?

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