(Closed) I AM NOT GREEDY!! But seriously people!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 49
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I could never imagine going to a wedding without SOMETHING! Even if you don’t have a lot of money to buy something on the registry. Get creative. I’ve had about 4 weddings in the past couple years for highschool friends. We’re all just starting college and none of us have a lot of money. So I bought them a card, and made them a sign with my Cricut that said “Love Is Patient” and they said it was one of their favorite gifts because they didn’t get 4 od them, they knew I took time to make it just for them, and because it was something they could always look back on instead of a kitchen utensil that would some day need replaced.

Post # 50
Member
3221 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I wonder if this is a regional thing? So far we’ve gotten gifts for an engagement, shower, and a ‘planning gift’ from a few guests. It seems like our guests are super eager to give gifts (which I’m not complaining about!)

Obviously you’re not mad because you’re not getting gifts, because that’s not what it’s about. It’s showing up at a wedding empty handed, having free food and booze and cake, and having a party in the name of the couple, with nothing in return. it’s super rude and not okay.

If you can’t afford a gift, write a nice heartfelt note. It costs $4 for a nice card these days. You don’t have $4? Write it on binder paper. 

I feel you, 

View original reply
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny…I would be SO hurt if this happened to us. I’m so sorry 🙁

Post # 52
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That is pretty rude of people not to even write a hand written card or something.  Is it possible that maybe she’s just under exaugrating her gifts?  Maybe people chipped in for a large gift like a down payment, honeymoon, or helped paid for the wedding itself. 

Post # 53
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee

In reference to PP’s. I think that the gift or card is a nice way of saying good luck in your marriage and congratulations, and thank you for putting so much time, effort and money into a party AND inviting me to it. I think many of those people who don’t give a gift or card would be extremely offended if they weren’t invited to the wedding (causing a bigger guest list and more costs), so a token of their appreciation for being included is expected. To just treat it as any old party and show up eat and leave is rude.

Post # 54
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m surprised and kind of offended to learn that bringing a gift to the wedding site is a no-no.  I think that is absolutely ridiculous.  Pack them up in someone’s car…come on, that isn’t difficult.

Post # 55
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think across the board etiquette is just disregarded nowadays by guests and the brides. To this day I’m disgusted that I haven’t received a thank you note for a gift i sent to the couples home, prior to the wedding (3 years ago). Not only that I traveled to another state and spent on a hotel room for the evening. I sacrificed to give them a gift (slightly under $100) while neglecting my own finances because I knew how much paying for wedding is and I was raised to give/bring a gift (or cover your plate). No thank you card, not one of those Snapfish photo cards, a phone call, text message or email. Just RUDE IMO. Now I can also admit to my own faux pas in past but no more, I’m definitely going to be a conscious bride.

Post # 56
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny:

“My very opinionated and crazy mother would always say, “don’t ever show up to someone’s house with you d**k in your hand””

Couldn’t be said better!

Post # 57
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it really depends on the situation.  I would never go to a wedding (or really *any* sort of party where I was an invited guest) without something in hand, but we cannot expect that of others!  I remember how hard it once was being a poor student attending friends’ weddings AND buying gifts.

For our own wedding, we are fortunate enough to be able to spend quite a bit of money on our guests (our large extended families are all invited to the rehearsal dinner, the per person reception food/beverage expenditure substantial, and everyone is invited to a buffet brunch the morning after).  HOWEVER, those per head expenses pale in comparison to what our guests have to spend just to attend our wedding.  The vast majority have to pay for plane tickets, a rental car, and hotels (and if they are staying for the rehearsal dinner, that’s an extra night’s hotel).  We are not even having a “destination” wedding–it’s in Cleveland (so it’s not like our attendees are getting a cool vacation out of it either)!!!  This makes every guest’s presence not just a gift of caring but a generous gift of their finances as well!  

In our case, we are lucky enough to be getting other presents as well, but our friends are out of school and all have successful careers (as do most of our family members).  Had we been getting married 10 years ago, I’m sure the situation would have been very different.

Post # 58
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

Ladies, I think we really do need to challenge this idea, that every guest should always bring something every time they are entertained! It is NOT something routinely practiced by all well-bred guests; it is NOT a requirement of proper etiquette; it is NOT universally appreciated by hosts; and it does NOT fulfil your responsibilities as a guest.

Really, can you imagine bringing a covered dish or a cute knicknack, in the (admittedly unlikely) event that you were invited to dine at Rideau Hall or the White House or Windsor Castle? The etiquette practiced in our first houses defines what is “proper form” for our different countries; and it is reflected in the etiquette practiced at other formal events at embassies and consulates, in other government houses, in officers’ messes; and by private households that entertain formally.

Now admittedly even the most formal wedding is pretty informal by those standards, and most non-wedding dinner parties and dances are even less formal. Yet some aspire to be formal, and in those situations guests should know that gifts and covered dishes are likely to be seen as … inelegant. What formal hostesses really want from their guests is a generous willingness to support her arrangements: put effort into dressing and grooming charmingly; display unselfconscious and confident deportment; sit in the assigned spot without aver; adapt to the customs of the house whilst using the very best manners; make charming coversation with all fellow guests especially the shy and awkward ones; cover for any gaps in the domestic service or accidents at dinner by drawing attention subtly away from them; watch for and follow the hostess’s cues as to when to come to table, leave the table, and when to end the evening. And send a thank-you note the next day(!), and invite the hostess and her partner to dinner or equivalent some time within the same season.

No wealth of expenditure on hostess gifts makes up for a guest’s disregarding the responsibility to be a host in return. No bouquet or fine wine or fancy dessert justifies disrupting your hostess’s arrangements or embarrassing other guests. A guest who sulks due to not knowing the other guests or not being seated next to a spouse should not feel justified by merely bringing a little memnto. It is certainly nice to send your hostess flowers or wine, but there are better options than bringing it with you to the door. There are parties where an extra dessert is certain to be appreciated, and if that is the expectation, then of course you should live up to it. But frankly there are limits to the number of knicknacks any household needs; and while there may also be a limit to the number of return dinner invitations a hostess might appreciate, she can always graciously decline those, — and I have never, never seen that number reached by today’s guests.

 

Post # 59
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

One of my friends got married last year and has continued to receive gifts and money since her wedding (it has pretty much stopped now since the 1 yr. mark is August).  But technically you have a year to give a wedding gift.  Maybe some people are just giving a gift later. You never know!

Post # 60
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I couldn’t agree with you more, I think it’s ridiculous. I’m not looking forward to that part of my wedding either. We are having about 200 guests so not to sound uptight, spoiled, or greedy, but if we don’t get much back from our guests after spending so much money FOR our guests, I’m going to be pretty upset. We dont have a big budget, but we are choosing the nicest things to accomodate our guests and make them happy, so if we dont receive anything in return, then lets just say they wont be getting anything back from us ever again. It’s unacceptable to me.

Post # 61
Member
9050 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can’t say this was a problem for us.  We had arranged for a gift opening the next day, so a lot of people sent things ahead there.  At the end of the day we only had one person who we think didn’t get us a card or anything, but we may have lost it or something.  I sent him a “thanks for coming” card, and he never asked if we received his gift, so we just dropped it.

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