(Closed) I AM NOT GREEDY!! But seriously people!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

For those who feel the need to ‘cover their plate’ at a wedding, I’d like to know where exactly is the GIFT then? If it’s simply a matter of calling it even, you are actually NOT giving anything!

Post # 78
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Even when I was a child I was taught to always bring something, even if it’s just a card, to a wedding. I actually haven’t been to any weddings in my adult life except for one where I was invited last minute. It was for a family friend’s daughter that was the same age as me. Apparently my parents forgot to let me know they had RSVP’d for me also. I didn’t bring a gift but I was included in the “family” card/gift since I was lumped with the family for the invitation. I felt a little bad but about a month later the couple got a divorce… needless to say I was glad I never gave anything separate.

I don’t expect many physical gifts at my wedding since it’s tradition to usually just give a card & money for my family and my boyfriend’s family. I’m still going to do a registry but I doubt many people will use it and I don’t expect anything from the younger people to be honest. I know that nowadays people have lots of financial issues so it’s just something I’m not surprised about.

Post # 79
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@Sunshine1810: “But technically you have a year to give a wedding gift.”  I had never heard about this until FH were at a wedding last year. 

We always give a card/money at weddings.  If the bride invites me to the bridal shower, then I also get a gift off the registry for that.  If its just the wedding, then just the card/money.  I only gave a wedding gift for my friend that registered but didn’t have a bridal shower.  I just kind of thought that’s what people did.

So back to this wedding last year…I thought it was so odd that I was the only one holding onto a card during cocktail hour out of all FHs other friends.  Then in talking to one of his friend’s wife, she said that they had just been to so many weddings recently and they couldn’t afford to give a gift right now, but that she had a year to send a gift.  Who knew?   I thought you had a year to write a thank you note, not give a gift.  Now that I know that some people think that, it could explain any “missing gifts”?

I do understand not everyone can afford to give a lot, but even a card just to congratulate the couple would be nice.

Post # 80
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

For me, I did not have a wedding to “entertain my guests” – did we? Of course! And we also fed our guests, etc. but we had all those things because that’s how we wanted to celebrate our marriage. There was no expectation of gifts, money, etc. Most of our guests were exceedingly generous and did bring or send gifts, but that’s doesn’t make me think any less of those who did not. We were truly happy that those who came to celebrate with us did. 

Post # 81
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Wow, it sounds like this happens more frequently than I thought….I was REALLY suprised when a few of my guests did not bring a gift, but I grew up in a place where you always brought a gift, it is considered embarrassing and rude to not bring one…do you think this could be cultural (not ethnicity, but the surrounding or environment you are surrounded by)???  I’m not saying one culture is better than another, I think it may be more of how one culture may value presence OVER presents.  I think we follow the cultural rules we are used to…

When my husband and I were going through our gifts, we noticed that my friends who live in one state gave double or triple that of our friends from different states…and again, I am NOT saying one is better than the other…just different…and a different thought process.  I think this is all very interesting…I have no hurt feelings, it was the most amazing night because everyone we love and care about was together helping us celebrate our day.

 

Post # 82
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@ItWasntMe: I understand what you’re saying. I cover my plate and then some…

Post # 83
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

IMO, a gift is nice, even if it’s the $5 set of measuring cups off my registry (though I was raised to “cover the cost of my plate” and my grandmother would be Horrified if I went somewhere and didn’t).  That being said, I know that some people really cannot afford to do that and I understand.  These are hard times, we’ve all been poor students or havebeen just starting out or having a hard month/year. 

That being said, I will reiterate what I’ve already seen some people say, and that is that there are nice cards At The Dollar Store. Going to something like a wedding Completely emptyhanded (or send the card in advance or after the fact if you don’t want to have to remember to bring it) is just unforgivable.  ANYONE can afford $1 for a dollar store card with some written in well-wishes and a 0.44cent stamp (if not bringing it with them) and there is no excuse not to.

Post # 84
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

We didn’t get gifts (or cards) from 3 or 4 couples.  I don’t get it either.  Maybe people intended to send a card or buy a gift, but forgot?  Our wedding was 10 weeks ago, but I’ve heard that you technically have a year after the wedding to get a gift… so- maybe wait and see?

 

Post # 85
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@EleanorRigby: Was the “main friend” of the couple male or female?  I just ask because I had to poke and prod my Fiance to get the address to his friend’s place ONE YEAR after the wedding, as I was bound and determined to make it at least under the 1 year rule.  (Sigh.  We missed it by a few days – took too long to hunt down his address by then, because mutual friends didn’t have it so we had to ask directly.  In fact, by then, the couple asked if the reason we were asking was because we were engaged.)  I know it’s stereotyping to say this, but guys just don’t care about these nuances.

Post # 86
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I just got married this weekend, and I noticed anyone not from DHs family and was our age did not give anything. To me thats okay, but I did notice. Everyone from DHs family at lest gave a card (90% with money) and the more broke college students I know got help from their parents and sent at lest a $10-30 gift.

I opened gifts in front of Mother-In-Law and I kind of wished I hadnt. She did keep track for thank you cards, but I caught her talking to some family members about 2 of the gifts (not exactly costly or at lest sentimental… one was a plastic clock, and the other was target chocolates (*yummmy though*) And about 1 family member who came with nothing. Oddly when I told her about those that werent their family she said what I felt “some cant, and we are happy they came” and I know she ment it.

In their family there are expectations and if someone doesnt go by the rules they get HIGHLY offended. If you give a gift, and no thank you, BIGGER no-no.

In my family, if you cant gift, you help and bring a card. I have gone to 2 weddings they refused my check because they appreciated that I helped with decorating (ALL DAY!!! LOL). To me as long as you show you care and appreciate being a part of their day, I am not offended.

Post # 87
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Are you having a wedding to get presents or to be joined with the person you love? I think expecting gifts from everyone is selfish and materalistic.  My wedding is a year away but to be honest I do not expect a gift from anyone. All I care about is at the end of the day I am married to the person I love and my guests were able to share this special day with us.

Post # 88
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

When my ex and I got married in 2002 we had a small wedding and didn’t expect alot in gifts. We got 1 gift and 1 check out of 30 guests and 15 who were no shows. I was more upset about the no shows that cost us $75 a head than the no gifts. But I personally could never go to a wedding without a gift. When my good friend got married we gave them $500 in gifts even though she had a small family only wedding and we were not invited. When my wife and I got married she and her husband gave us nothing at all. That hurt me alot, because they were invited to our wedding.

Post # 89
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so with you! Like you, I also don’t feel comfortable going to people’s houses for dinner empty-handed – let alone a WEDDING.

It boggles my mind that people would go to a wedding without bringing a gift. I understand that the important thing is that they’re there to celebrate in this momentous occasion, but it’s important to consider that this day is SO significant for the couple – more than a birthday – so gifts just seem like they should be a given to me… Especially if the couple is spending such a great deal of money and thought you were important enough to pay to include.

Post # 90
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

By the time we got to the last wedding we went to, I was on not good terms with the groom and I never knew the bride that well, but we at least went out and got a nicely worded card, and left a personal note in it. People are so rude today, they think the wedding is a party for them and not the couple.

Post # 91
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I agree with OP but at the same time, the last 3 weddings I’ve been to.. I have received NO thank you note!! And they were couples I never would have expected it from! It makes me think they did not appreciate the gift at all and although I will never go to a wedding emptyhanded, I can now see why people do.

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