(Closed) I am not happy with my MOH..just venting

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well technically I guess you can fire her, but you need to realize that will bring an end to your friendship. I didn’t expect my bridesmaids or Maid/Matron of Honor to help with wedding planning at all, but it seems like that anyone who is a good enough friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor is someone you should hear from and get phone calls just to catch up and see how you’re doing. The communication is a two-way street though – I’m sure you’re super busy with planning, but do you call her sometimes just to chat? Is it about the wedding whenever you talk, or do you ask about her life too? Just asking because sometimes as brides we get kinda so absorbed in wedding plans we don’t realize we’re driving our friends crazy, haha, that’s part of the reason I did most of my gushing on WB so my real-life friends didn’t have to hear about it 24/7.

But I think you’d be totally right to contact her and say hey, what’s up, I haven’t been hearing from you lately. Even if the wedding stuff wasn’t happening I’d still say you should do that. But I disgaree with you for being annoyed over no card or gift for the engagement, I’ve never heard of getting a gift just because you get engaged, and it is also not mandatory for BMs to pay to get their hair done, it’s nice you did that for her but it certainly shouldn’t be a requirement.

Post # 4
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree that it would be nice for her to show more interest in the wedding, but unfortunately nobody will be as excited about the wedding as you are. I went into my planning assuming I would do everything myself. If my bridesmaids offered to help with anything, I took it as a pleasant surprise. I also don’t think you should have such high expectations of her financially. Even if she makes good money, she may not want to spend it on hair and makeup or other wedding related items. All I expected of my bridesmaids was to pay for their dresses. 

Post # 5
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’re sounding a bit bridezilla…

Post # 6
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

She didn’t send you a card or a gift when you got engaged? Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a valid reason to be upset with someone, sorry. Nobody gave me a gift/card when I got engaged and I never thought twice about it.

If you say you think she has no clue then you should give her the benefit of the doubt and try to talk to her before outright firing her. This will almost definitely decimate your friendship – if you’re okay with that, proceed, but if not maybe stop and take a step back from the wedding craziness and think about whether this should be what decides your friendship. Living in separate states makes it hard (I know from experience being a Bridesmaid or Best Man in an out-of-state wedding), and she probably does want to help but without hearing from you on specific things you need help with what is she supposed to do? If you don’t have specific tasks to delegate, she might be under the impression you aren’t in need of help yet.

Plus, as PP have said, nobody is really obligated to help plan your wedding. Great if they do, but they don’t have to. All of my BMs are out-of-state and super busy with their lives, so I’m counting on doing 99.9% of my planning solo. As long as they’re there on the day looking beautiful, that’s what matters.

Oh, and as for the hair/makeup… did you offer to pay for this? Or was she expected to pay for it? Because I’ve always been under the impression that if the bride wants hair and/or makeup done a specific way or at a specific salon that she should be the one to pay for it. When I was in my best friend’s wedding, she paid for our hair (we did our own makeup).

Post # 7
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I suppose you could fire her, but if you’re not even speaking to your best friend once a month, I’m curious why you’re even friends with her?

That said, some people are just not into weddings.  Your experience in her wedding kind of indicates otherwise, but she just might not be at that place in her life right now?  Also, I don’t think I got any engagement cards besides one from my grandma, so I wouldn’t hold that against her.

Post # 8
Member
6823 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have to agree you are sounding a bit bridezilla here.  There are NO LAWS saying that a bridesmaid/MOH must help plan a brides wedding. In all reality all she needs to do is show up and stand up for you at your wedding. All the other stuff are all extras, nice extras at that.  What you did for her wedding was nice but should not be expected back.  With that you maybe should take a step back and reread what you wrote. 

Post # 10
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@siegeli: I talk to my Maid/Matron of Honor mostly through text messages and we hang out maybe once a month. I would like to see her more, but she’s got a busier schedule than mine. Also, she recently got engaged, so I assume she’ll be even busier planning her own wedding soon. 

Post # 11
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like you agreed to do a bunch of things you didn’t want to do for her wedding, and you were assuming that she’d similarly agree to do a bunch of things she didn’t want to do for her wedding.

Agreeing to do things you don’t want to do doesn’t make you a good friend, it makes you passive and generally resentful.  I can’t tell from your post whether your Maid/Matron of Honor is being obnoxious or not, but in general, saying no to things you don’t want to do is a good way to be honest and to prevent getting resentful. 

There’s not any sort of rule that says because you have problems saying no, that no one else in your life is allowed to say no to you. 

Post # 12
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Our whole wedding party was out of town from us, the closest at like 9 or so hours away. Obviously we didn’t expect anyone to do anything but everyone did what they could and they were all a big help once we all got together in the few days before. From afar my Maid/Matron of Honor would help with things such as research online and she made some phonecalls for me.

Neither of us waited for the wedding party to call us. If we didn’t hear from them we would contact them, see how things were going and fill them in on wedding plans. Darling Husband probably called the guys every 1-2 months while I called the girls more often but because we normally chat on a more regular basis.

You should talk to your Maid/Matron of Honor about how your feeling and see where she is on things. Don’t assume anything as then you just look foolish.

Post # 13
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

It’s way easier to give gifts and find special ways to help someone out when you are near and see them all the time – like a co-worker.

Why did you even ask her to be MOH? Was it because you needed a P.A. for the wedding, or because of your close friendship over the last fifteen years? 

If she offered to help you out at the beginning and she hasn’t told you otherwise, I’d assume the offer still stands. I don’t think she needs to keep calling you and offering you what she has already offered.

Sorry if I sound mean, but i really don’t think you should fire her. If she was important enough to you that you would offer her such an honourable role as Maid/Matron of Honor, and she hasn’t become cruel, nasty or mean, then I really don’t think you have anything to be upset about. You have three lovely sisters nearby to help you, so don’t worry!

Post # 14
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Maid/Matron of Honor is fantastic and she doesn’t have to give me gifts or call every month to show that!!!

Post # 15
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I received no gifts from anyone at all when I got engaged, nor any cards – I didn’t know it was a thing and I didn’t expect any. Don’t go expecting gifts. I’m sure she offered her congratulations when she found out you were engaged. That’s all I’d expect. You can always call her yourself and ask her opinions – she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor and she can expect to hear some things about hte wedding from you and once a month is too much.

Seriously, I would not fire her over this – it’s a bit bridezilla

Post # 16
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend who lives out of state as well – I basically only expect that 1) She listens to me patiently when I call freaking out about something wedding-related (so far she’s been great with it), and 2) She saves up money so that she can fly home for both the shower and the wedding.

Honestly, expecting cards or small gifts is a bit much – not many people do Engagement cards, let alone actual gifts. However I do think your Maid/Matron of Honor not keeping in touch is wrong, she should take your friendship more seriously than that — but that should be an easy thing to fix, so just talk to her about it. If you’ve been friends for 15 years than having a conversation about something like that should be no big deal.

Hope it works out for you. 🙂

 

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