Post # 1
FMIL issues! I know, so many of us have them. I just needed to vent a little bit.
When I started wedding planning a good friend of mine gifted me a beautiful pearl necklace to wear on my wedding day. I was so touched. When FMIL asked about my wedding jewelry I showed it to her and she went on a little rant about how it was too plain and I shouldn’t wear something just because someone gave it to me and I should pick out something else that “I like”. It took quite awhile of convincing her it IS what I like and I am wearing it. Finally she gave up trying to get me not to wear the necklace and decided that she was going to make me earrings to go with it.
She asked for my opinion, so I sent her pictures of about ten pairs of earrings that I love. All basically the same design. Every pair was chandelier earrings with tear drop shaped pearls. She decided to go with something different, but at least her design still had pearls. It wasn’t what I would have picked, but it’s a gift so I won’t complain. It was nice of her to do it.
While making the earrings she asked if I wanted white pearls or “antique” pearls which I thought look almost goldish. I told her white ones to match the necklace. She went on about how pretty she thought the antique ones are. I agreed that they are very pretty, but would be a different color than my necklace and I prefered the white. She then told me that she thought they would match fine. Finally, I’m just like if you really want to do those than go for it. She tells me it’s up to me, but when I tell her I like the white ones she acts like I can’t choose and I should think about it. Arg. It’s clear she wants to do the ones that don’t match, why doesn’t she just say so instead of pretending that it’s me?
Now, she has decided she is going to help me with the flowers. Honestly, I think I would rather just do it myself. I told her since I’m doing a winter wedding I’d rather my maids wear fur muffs and shawls instead of doing flowers. She keeps insisting it’s important to have bouquets. When she asked about centerpieces I was VERY specific. I told her exact flowers, exact size, I drew pictures, I showed her pictures on google. Apparently she recently told fiance that I’m being indecisive about everything and it makes it hard. Then on facebook today she posts a centerpiece picture and says how she’d love to make it for her son’s wedding, but his fiancee, let’s see her wording, “is so picky” and “I just hope she hurries and makes a decision on what she wants to do so we can started.” I made a decision already!! She just doesn’t like my choices! I am so annoyed at that post right now. Maybe I am a bit of a control freak, I am “picky” about my wedding, but FI and I have been planning and paying for the wedding from day one. She keeps complaining about every choice we make; guestlist, flowers, jewelry, having kids at the wedding, anything that isn’t how she would do it. Which would be fine, except it really bugs me that she is telling everyone I can’t choose or I am being indecisive and making things difficult for her. I would much rather just do it on my own, but my fiance insists I let her help because it means so much to her that she is involved. Sigh. What would you do?
Post # 3
DANG. That must be so frustrating.
What would I do…start learning meditation? I honestly think the only thing you can do in this situation is to choose to either let her do it her way or to do it your way (hopefully without her “help”) but learn to ignore her annoying comments.
Clearly she’s been dreaming about her son’s wedding for ages and has her own ideas about the look. Maybe try to reframe her (super annoying tendancies) through that lense.
Not to be a negative nilly…but can you imagine when you guys have kids? Or buy a house? Or host Christmas? To be fair, a mother in low who cares too much is certainly not the worst problem you could have.
Post # 4
I hear you. What a pain! It’s obvious that she just wants to make your wedding into her event. I’m having a similar issue with FMIL. I just told mine that everything was decided and I didn’t need any other opinions. I’m also not allowing her to help me with anything. I know it sounds harsh but it’s my only option. On the flip side I’m allowing her a certain amount of guests to invite and she can choose whoever to make her happy.
Post # 5
@cbgg: You’re right, it isn’t the worst problem I have. That post just really irked me right now. After we are married FI and I plan on saving up and moving away hopefully before we have kids.
Post # 6
Be decisive in the way she needs you to be decisive. “Thanks for the offer but we already have that covered.” Anything short of that, leaves her room for doubt. In trying to be nice ( in other words not saying things like ” Are you serious? Those antique pearls would be completely inappropriate.”) you are leaving the door open for her to think you are wishy washy.
Don’t worry about what she posts on Facebook. if she does it to you, she likely treats others the same way. Peope will know that it says more about her than you.
If you want to keep her occupied, find something you really don’t care about, ask her to take care of it and “surprise me” !
Post # 7
@BriansBride: omg she needs to back off!! Why on earth is she so involved in these tiny decisions!? I would stop including her on anything you are doing decision-wise until after you have decided and it can be more ” look at our centerpeices” instead of ” what do you think?”
I would totally lose it lol.
Post # 8
@BriansBride: that FB post was super annoying and really rude considering she’s basically complaining publicly about you. If there is something you don’t care much about- give her full reign on that and otherwise say “This is what we are doing in this way”.
Post # 9
@BriansBride: Post a picture of the arrangement that you want on her facebook page with a comment “I’m so sorry I have been unclear, this is exactly what I want.” If she is this difficult with you then she is probably the same way with others and they know the truth. I agree with Jules for anything further to just tell her that you have it covered but thank you for the offer. You might also consider telling her that you have decided what you want to do, purchase everything and let her assemble it or find an overbearing friend to be in charge to reign her in. Bottom line is that as much as it’s nice to want to include her, it’s your wedding and you should have your dream not hers.
Post # 10
@pfreeman: Thank you, I was honestly trying to think of things I could say to her about that post, like “That is beautiful, but it looks nothing like the centerpiece ideas I showed you that I want!” But I was worried it would come off as rude. I am trying not to be rude to his family, but I’m having a tough time! haha
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Wow, she would have me in bed with a washcloth on my forehead! Calling you picky!
But I bet she has no idea of the reality. People see things so oddly, don’t they. I think posting your desired centerpieces on her fb page, under her post, is a very good idea. But I would try to be even more blunt, like: “These are STILL the ones I want! Ready when you are! :D” Don’t forget the happy face.
Ugh. Good for you for sticking to your guns. You will prevail!!!!! (I’ve had a wee bit of champagne)
Post # 12
@BriansBride: Holy cow. I cannot believe she would post that, especially knowing you would see it! Is there any way your fiance could step in and talk to her about it? If my FMIL pulled that crap her involvement would be over!
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Can you give her projects you don’t care about? For example- hotel gift bags, or escort cards? She obviously wants to be involved, but she’s WAY overstepping it. Stop talking to her about the wedding. Julies1949’s advice was spot on- “Thanks, but I have this covered.” And change the subject. Or- “It’s going to be a surprise.”
And you’re going to have to tell FI- “She’s stressing me out too much, I have to do this myself.” Trust me, I get it.
And you have every right to be “picky,” because it is YOUR wedding day, not hers. 🙂
Post # 14
@BriansBride: Ugh, I am so sorry. I was lucky, my mother-in-law was 100% hands-off on the details. However, she does like to put in her vocal 2-cents when it comes to how we spend our money. If you let her push you around now with decisions, she will likely continue to do that on more serious things after the marriage. I would stand up to her now and hold your ground. What a headache, best of luck to you!!
PS – love your fur muff/shawl idea in lieu of flowers!!
Post # 15
@Boxerlover24: She had asked me about what I wanted for centerpieces and I showed her pictures of what I wanted. I don’t know how she took “this is what I’d like to do” to mean “I don’t know what I want, why don’t you come up with ideas and do them”. bah. Anyway, thanks for responding it was good to get it off my chest!
@jessicadarling: I spoke to my FI about it and he said he thought she may have posted it there intending me to see it as a way of trying to push me in that direction for centerpieces. He said he knows she is crazy, but still wants me to involve her to make her happy.
@rebwana: Maybe my problem is that I am soo picky and controlling. haha Every detail even escort cards I have been really particular about. I’m trying to think of something I don’t really care about. I mean, my FI planned a bunch of stuff. All the stuff involving the guys (where to get their stuff. what they are going to wear, boutonnieres, etc) plus most of the menu (food choices, cake flavor, most of the cake design), the wedding colors, and I really didn’t care too much about not planning that stuff, but then again that might be different since it’s HIS wedding too, unlike FMIL.
@july142013: Thank you!
Tuesday I have an appointment with the florist and of course FMIL is coming. Apparently she wants to help pay for the flowers, which is really incredibly generous and yet, well I just hope she doesn’t take over the whole appointment. I had originally planned on paying for them, like everything else so I think I’d rather do that. I know we could use some help money wise since the wedding is costing so much but, is it really worth it? Fiance really wants me to include her regardless. Easy for him since he isn’t coming. I already sent my florist a ton of photos and told her exactly what I want and she said she would make samples for me. Should I tell her FMIL is coming and might be pushy about changing my designs?
Post # 16
If she’s not paying, tell her to butt out, or better yet have your FI tell her to butt out.
If you need an excuse, say ‘Actually mum/MOH/my sister and I are going to do the centerpieces/bouquets ect.’