(Closed) I am not yet engaged, or am I?!?! (kinda long)

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
288 posts
Helper bee

Congratulations!!!!!!!!! Sounds like you’re engaged to me! 😀 

Post # 3
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If you have agreed to get married you’re engaged! Congratulations! 

Post # 4
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

Hooray!!  I didnt think it would be long!!  

Post # 5
130 posts
Blushing bee

Congratulations!!! I can’t wait to hear about the proposal and the elopement! 

Post # 6
8873 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Shesaidyes:  You should ask your guy. What did he mean by “I do want to propose though”? To me, that sounds like he thinks the wedding talk was hypothetical, and you’re not going to be engaged until he formally asks you. I am always one of the first to say “you don’t need a ring or a fancy proposal, if you’re planning a wedding, you’re engaged.” But the key is, you BOTH have to be on the same page. You both have to agree that you’re engaged. His “but I want to propose” comment sounds to me like he does not see you as engaged right now, which would mean you’re not. I really encourage you to ask him straight up “are we engaged?”

Post # 9
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

OP, this sounds very exciting and I am so happy to read that your relationship is this wonderful! But I want to echo what Daisy_Mae:  said and then also some of what your SO said, too. 

First, if you have to ask a group of strangers if you’re engaged, I hate to be a downer, but you’re not. You and your man will know when you are engaged as you are the only two people who can decide that. We can dissect the technical definition of what it means to promise to marry someone, but at the end of the day, if he still wants to propose, which means he doesn’t consider these conversations ‘official,’ and you’re not actively planning a wedding together right now, then no, it sounds like you are in a committed, wonderful relationship that will someday lead to marriage.  But you’re not engaged right now.

That being said, I agree with your boyfriend that you’re being silly about writing it off altogether just because it hasn’t happened yet. A lot of things in life don’t end up like we envisioned them in our naive youths, but that doesn’t mean they are completely out — sometimes just different and often for the better! But this emphasis on your wedding matching this vision you had coupled with worrying about how long it takes to get a dress and your concern about your boyfriend’s concerns about a big party and your own concern about Bride Mania make me have to ask: are you fantasizing about a wedding or about a marriage? You should have a wedding that makes you happy if that’s what you want, but don’t let stubborness about a wedding ruin your future happiness in a marriage. Wedding venues book over a year out in the States, too, but so what? Once you get engaged, you can plan your wedding for the future after that. One thing at a time. Being married forever is more important than having a wedding in a certain timeframe.  At the end of the day, you’ll find a way for you both to be happy and be married. The wedding part is just a step.

But ultimately, trust your instincts, trust your boyfriend, and communicate openly. You’ll reach somewhere that you can both be comfortable if you really are going to be in a lifelong committed relationship. Good luck, bee!

Post # 10
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Before I was engaged, I went through something similar with my Fiance.  We wanted a specific place, and given the popularity, they booked over a year in advance.  While I knew that, my now Fiance did not.  About 4 months prior to getting engaged,  I showed him some places and what dates were already taken.  Then I asked him if, engaged or not, we could book by XX date, and just keep it quiet until he proposed.  He laughed, and said no problem, without giving away any proposal plans.

Basically, he may respond well to a logistics questions, and to being shown options available and dates already taken.  Give him some time to process it, and talk about it a day or so later.  You can also slip in the average wait time for a dress.  By showing him the timeline and looking at it as an issue to tackle together, rather than a “nagging” question, maybe it will help relieve any pressure he feels?  And if he wasn’t planning on proposing for a while, it will give him a chance to see timelines, process, and talk about it with you.



  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Kannon.
Post # 11
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Shesaidyes:  It sounds like a formal proposal is on the cards with a wedding soon to follow. Congratulations OP!

And ignore the engagement police. Some people never have a big official formal proposal, and only ever have a mutual agreement and that’s perfectly fine for them. Being engaged to be married is a status that the rest of us don’t get to decide, it’s up to you. If he really does want to propose though then be sure to look forward to that and don’t take anything away from him. He may want you to wait to call him your fiancé until after he’s proposed. It’ll mean a lot to the both of you. Enjoy it!

Post # 12
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I took something as a proposal over a year before the actual proposal. It hurt to realize we were not on the same page.  Please talk to him again re: what your talk means for planning, etc.

Post # 14
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I would present him with progress you’ve made with planning in the tone of I think this is great timing I’m finding good options but wow I’m glad I looked right away.  These cute cottages are going like hotcakes!  Etc. I found one I want to reserve,  is it comfy looking enough for you? Show pic.  This helps remind him that things are moving forward in a low pressure way and will prevent him from brushing the question popping off to the back burner. I would also emphasize “this is going to be so simple and sweet.  I’m so glad we’re keeping it simple.  Just you and me snd s beautiful vacay cottage.”  He might benefit from being reminded that you really are sincere about keeping it simple and won’t surprise him with overdone fluff.  Just ideas. ..

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