Post # 1
This is going to be a bit of a rant but I really need the emotional support right now so bees please bare with me.
Ever since I enter middle school my parents have dumped their marriage problems on he in confidance I would never tell the other parent. Well since I was a middle schooler that didn’t always work out. As I entered High School and then college things have just gotten worse. I feel like their marriage consular where they just dump all their problems on me. It is a lot to take in as a teenager and as I have gotten older it has gotten harder to bare since I have to hold all of these secrets within me and can’t tell anyone.
Well last year I had a huge break down and final yelled at my father to stop it that I couldn’t take it anymore, I am their own daughter for goodness sake I shouldn’t know all these deep dark problems.
Well that breakdown didn’t seem to stop him,last night I was on a 10+ hour flight with my father since I was flying to NY with him to start planing my wedding for next year. In the middle of it he dropped the biggest bomb on me. That my mom has had constent affairs with different men over the years as a life lesson in making a marriage work if you truely love someone and don’t want to leave them. He then perceeded to tell me in detail the affairs she had the first have of their marriage (15years worth, will be married for 30 this year, not ever getting divorced), this included her having a long term afffair when my brother and I were concived. I couldn’t bring up the courage to ask him if I was really his child or not as I was really trying to keep a straight face and not break down in a middle of a large flight.
<address>He does not realize how much this has upset me. I never knew my mother was having these affairs (they were only at work according to him, but she has confessed it to him on several occasions) and honestly I now view my mom as a cheating whore. This has ruined what relationship I do have with both of them and I am tryign to stay striaght faced through all of this. My dad is now acting like a great burden has been taken off of him and I have been silently crying when I can get away from him. I don’t even want to plan a big wedding anymore cause I don’t want my parents invovled anymore. I honestly want to cut them from my life at this very moment and not come back for several years. I don’t know how I am going to face my mom in a couple of months and I up here with my dad for another month. </address><address> </address><address> </address><address>Bees I honestly don’t know what to do and could use some emotional support right now, even as I type this I have tears running down my face. Thank you bees in advanced (sorry for the weird font half way through don’t know why it changed)</address>
This topic was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by misslioness.
This topic was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by misslioness.
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
I don’t really have much advice other than that I am so sorry you are dealing with this. That is so inappropriate for him to tell you those details and for your parents to be putting you in the middle like that. Honestly if I were you I would distance myself from them both at least for awhile, and it might be beneficial to speak to a counselor as you are sorting through this. No one should have to be treated like a therapist by their parents. *hugs*
Post # 3
This makes me sad. It sucks you’re in the middle but they clearly just need to divorce in my opinion. I feel that would make it easier for everyone? I was only 4 when my parent divorced but it was a better situation for everyone involved. My dad constantly cheated on my mom and we have a half-sister that we have never met. All of us (myself and my 2 sisters) no longer speak to my father for many reasons (other than the infidelity thing, which he came out to us about in a roundabout way when I was maybe 10) & our lives have been better without him and the drama. Your situation is different than mine but….you should not be feeling like their marriage counselor at all. That isn’t fair. You’re their child.
Post # 4
Sorry you’re going through this! I have had my fair share of listening to parents’ issues and it took me quite a while with a counsellor to accept a few things:
1) It is not right for either of your parents to share these things with you. You are as far removed from impartial as it is possible to be- if one bad mouths the other they are bad mouthing somebody extremely dear to you!
2) You cannot fix their relationship- that is between them and them alone.
3) With the above points in mind you must insist that both of them stop bouncing their problems off of you. Sit them down, tell them to stop and then literally refuse to listen in future. If they need to talk to somebody they should speak to a counsellor.
4) The relationship they have with each other is not your business but your individual relationship with each of them is- so focus on that. I understand that you’re hurt by what your mother has done… and you are going to need to confront her about this at some point. Don’t assume that your father isn’t your biological father… but if it does turn out that he isn’t, then please remember that he’s loved you and raised you and he is your father, whether biological or not… that bond is not broken by this.
5) Your relationship with your Fiance is not the relationship you have with them or that they have with each other. So do what will make you and your Fiance happiest regarding your wedding. Don’t make any decisions while you’re still so angry and hurt.
Good luck bee xxx
Post # 5
My mother did much the same to me when I was growing up…I was her only daughter, due to our family moving around so often due to my father’s career she was never very close to any female friends so I was the one she offloaded to.
It got worse when my father left her when I was 21…like your father, she proceeded to tell me all the stuff from their marriage to paint my father in bad life. Like your mother, my father had never been faithful to my mother and had had numerous affairs throughout their marriage.
She even went as far to blame me for their split – arguing that working away to pay for my wedding – my father left her 3 days after I got married – had given my father the opportunity to meet the woman he left her for. What a lovely burden to place on your bipolar daughter!
I’m now 47 and I live on the other side of the world from my mother. I’ve had no contact with my father for 26 years…I only have minimal contact with my mother and have only spent 2 months with her in the last 20 years. I only keep that contact because my younger brother lives with her.
I would follow what katherine31 has suggested…you really need to make it plain to both parents that you aren’t going to put up with this a moment longer. And a period of being away from both of them is a very good idea…especially as it will help you decide what you really want for your own wedding.
Post # 6
I might go as far as suggesting a letter to each parent, outlining what you have said above, and setting the boundaries. They have placed you in a terrible position of questioning your own paternity. How awful.
I’m so sorry
Post # 7
I would go into therapy to learn how to set better boundaries with your parents and learn how to enforce them. I’m so sorry this has been going on. What your parents are doing to you is very wrong. 🙁
Post # 8
First off, I am so sorry bee. It’s the worst being in the middle of anybody’s relationship (let alone you’re own parents). You shouldn’t have to feel trapped between the two of them. You should write them each a letter if you’re not comfortable speaking to each of them directly and tell them why you’re hurt & set boundaries.