(Closed) I am pretty sure I’m the worst bridesmaid ever…

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

First, let me start by saying that I am planning my own wedding for the spring of 2012. But before I say ‘I DO’ I am currently a bridesmaid in TWO weddings this fall, October and November. Both of these girls are very dear to me. I want nothing more than to be there for them as they embark on this exciting time in their lives… however I am finding myself asking “should I have declined their invitation to be a bridesmaid?” The costs of these two weddings is going to bankrupt me.

BRIDE #1: $220 bridesmaid dress. $40 for alterations. $96 for shoes to match the dress. Two wedding shower gifts $$$$. Bachelorette party out of town (lodging, gas, food) $200+. Cost of hair and makeup (which is required by the bride) $100. Hotel for the wedding as it is out of town $160…

So far I am figuring I will come close to the $900 mark… on this bride alone.

BRIDE #2: Almost identical costs as the first. The hotel for her wedding is actually more expensive… and then I got the invitation to the Bachelorette party. IN VEGAS. Flights. Hotel. A private cabana at the hotel pool. Bottle service at the nightclubs. Formal dinner.

I can’t even wrap my head around how much that trip is going to cost.

Now remember I said… I am getting married in 2012? My fiancé and I struggle on a monthly basis with bills. We don’t have expendable cash. We might not be able to go on a honeymoon of our own if I keep spending like I am. These two weddings for my friends have shot my credit card bill THROUGH THE ROOF. I tried expressing to both of them that $200 was a lot for me to purchase a dress, and neither one seemed to understand. They simply explained to me that I could pay in installments on the dress… well ya, but it will still total $200 in the end! I feel like they don’t care when I express my struggles (BRIDE #1 actually gave me a $25 VISA giftcard for my birthday “to help with my expenses”, I was mildly insulted), and they think that I should just suck it up because it’s their day, it’s all about them, what they want, and I am bothering them with my concerns and I agreed to be in their weddings.

When I had to purchase their dresses I went home in tears because $400+ in bridesmaid dresses was not really what I had in mind when they asked me to be in their weddings. It’s quickly spiraling out of control.

I want to be there for them on their special days, but I really think they are asking a little much of me. What am I supposed to do!? My wedding is going to suffer because I am going to be broke from being a bridesmaid! I had no idea it was this expensive. I thought I would be standing up with them at the alter sharing tears of joy, not tears of saddness because I am trying to figure out how to pay off my credit card.

Can I tell BRIDE #2 I just can’t afford to go to her Bachelorette party in Vegas? Can I tell them that I refuse to have my hair and makeup done? They are both having 2 showers, can I only attend one of the two showers? Am I being selfish? Am I terrible bridesmaid?

Tagged: 

Post # 3
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think you should “refuse” or “complain” about anything. Since you’re close to these girls, you can explain to both of them that you’re struggling to pay for everything. You’re good friends, so they’ll understand and adjust accordingly, and make whatever changes they feel are appropriate and fair. No friend* will insist that you go in to debt to be in their wedding party.

*Yes, some people would. But not a friend.

Post # 4
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@JordieDW: You are NOT being a terrible bridesmaid! They are asking TOO MUCH of you.

All you should be “required” to do is get the dresses and take care of your lodging and transport for their wedding day.

If I were in your position, I’d possibly decline both showers as well as the Vegas bachelorette party. (Maybe go to one of the 2 shower, but maybe take a homemade gift rather than purchasing something expensive?)

As for the hair/makeup I have always felt strongly that if the bride requires it, the bride should pay for it.

I would tell the bride that I’m really sorry but with all the other expenses I simply could not afford the hair/makeup expenses. I’d tell her that I’d be happy to do my own hair in a similar style to the other BMs as well as do my own makeup, but that is unfortunately just an expense I could not afford.

As a bride, I’m not even having a shower and not all my bridesmaids can come to my bachelorette and that’s completely ok! People have lives and not everyone can afford to fly all over the country on a whim (only one of my BMs is local).

I think as long as you focus on how happy you are for them and how excited you are to stand with them and support them on their big day they *should* understand your issue with the financial part. Hopefully they really are true friends and will understand.

Post # 5
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Can I tell BRIDE #2 I just can’t afford to go to her Bachelorette party in Vegas? Yes

Can I tell them that I refuse to have my hair and makeup done? Probably not, but you can ask if you can do your own

They are both having 2 showers, can I only attend one of the two showers? Yes

Am I being selfish? Am I terrible bridesmaid? No!!!

Post # 6
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Beluga: Agreed. Don’t outright “refuse” anything, but have a real heart to heart with each of them about your financial situation.

The two shower thing seems excessive. I have actively asked my BMs NOT to get me engagement or shower gifts because I do not want to put financial strain on them.

Post # 7
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Okay, so they are BOTH making you spend over $200.00 on one dress…96 for shoes?  MAKING you get your hair AND makeup done??  Wow…I would tell them hell no I can not get my makeup and hair done.  I have never heard of the Bride insisting this but not paying for it.  I am OFFERING my bridesmaids the chance to get their hair/makeup done if they prefer for their own personal reasons and in that case they are to pay.  Now if I was MAKING them do it, I would definitly have offered to pay the bill. 

This seems extremely expensve for you and I think you have every right to talk to them and tell them exactly what you just said on here!  Good Luck, I feel for ya!

Post # 8
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think you are a terrible bridesmaid at all. Unfortunately it is just bad timing for all. If Bridesmaid #1 had gotten married in 2009 and Bridesmaid #2 got married in 2010 and you got married in 2011, then things would maybe be a little different. If they are your friends, they will understand. I would turn down the Vegas bachelorette party and ask if you can do your own hair. Maybe for the showers, you can bring a handmade gift of some sort, picture frame with a picture of the two of you (something similar)? They will understand financial hardships. At least I hope they would?! I know that I would. I was very mindful of the costs that my bridesmaids are incurring. 

Post # 9
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Your not terrible at all. Why do the shoes/hair trip etc have to be so expensive? I would shop around and see If you can find similar shoes cheaper. Do your own hair and makeup and use a bid service to get cheaper flight/hotel for the event or any party’s and share your room with others going to split costs. If your friend is going to make a stink she is not a real friend and you shouldn’t have to drop 1000+ just because she got married

Post # 10
Member
6391 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh heck no, you’re not a bad bridesmaid. Destination bachelorettes should always be considered voluntary, imho. It’s crazy to assume someone can afford that, especially after they tell you they can’t. I would just try one more time, and tell bride #1 that you’re very sorry, but you can’t make her bachelorette party. She realistically should have been expecting that at least one of her bms couldn’t afford that. Definitely just attend one bridal shower (if any). After a $300 dress, I personally wouldn’t attend either. I’m sure you can find somewhere you just *have* to be that day. If you do attend, try picking up a recipe box (Martha Stewart’s is $15) and filling it with recipe cards with your favorite recipes written out.

As for the hair and makeup, I’m with PPs who said if the bride requires it, it’s up to her to pay for it. Tell her you’ll do a similar style, but you can’t afford to have it professionally done.

And if it comes down to it and the bride is being pushy, tell her no. She should be able to process the fact that you can’t spend that much money on her, but maybe she needs a reality check.

Good luck with all of this, I hope it works out for you! You definitely shouldn’t have to go into debt to be in someone’s wedding!

Post # 11
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ouch! That is a lot of money!  I used to be depressed that none of my real friends asked me to be one of their bridesmaids…but after being one for my fiance’s brother’s wife, whom I did not even know her at the time, but she asked me to since she knew I was going to eventually be her future sister in law too (that was sweet of her)…And now after hearing your pain, it makes me relieved that I am not going to be a bridesmaid most likely ever again….It does add up fast, and esp when there are bach parties, showers, and weddings, dresses, hair and make up..i know what you mean!!!

IF you are as close friends as you believe you are, then you can have a serious talk with them. They know you are getting married too. Btw, are they going to be bridesmaids at your wedding too?  IF so, you can talk about how you want to consider their budgets too and wish they can do the same…maybe they will realize how out of hand finances would get for everyone in each wedding party…its one after another at this point in our lives..

Post # 12
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

YIKES!!!  I totally feel for you on the financial situation!!

And… TWO SHOWERS?!?!? EACH?!?!?!?  Um… greedy any? I can understand it if it’s both sides of the family (one for each side) or something like that, but… expecting friends and BM’s to give TWO GIFTS PER BRIDE?!?!  Sheesh…

So sorry you’re dealing with this!

I’d definitely agree with everything the other ladies have said and suggested.  

Good luck and hope it all works out!!!!  

Post # 13
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

 

When BRIDE #1 told me “I am having my hair lady come meet us at the hotel with her team to do everyone’s hair and makeup, make sure to bring a check” I just about died. How can you demand that!? It was my understanding that if the bride wanted it they would pay for it. But I guess she’s not thinking that way. I am going to ask her if I can do my own hair to match. Granted it won’t look exactly the same, but hopefully it’s simple enough for me to mimic. Let’s cross our fingers for an elegant ponytail style! 

The shoe situation… *sigh*. There’s nothing I can do to find cheaper ones. They are all supposed to be the same shoe and dyed to match the dress. I am going to be the proud owner of a pair of lavender and a pair of grape shoes that I’ll probably never wear again…

I am so glad I asked because it makes me feel better to know that I CAN tell them I am unable to attend, I was afraid that made me a terrible friend/bridesmaid.

Post # 14
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I was asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding 3 weeks after mine. I accepted at first but when I found out how much the dress, hair, air fare would cost me, I decided to step down. If you honestly cant afford to be a bridesmaid the best thing is to come clean and tell them you would like to step down and be a part of the wedding in another way.

Post # 15
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I am one of those brides having two showers, prob a bachelorette in Vegas, etc (my Fiance is from South Florida and I am from NY so two of everything…) and I would never, EVER expect all my BM’s to be at all these things. I also made sure that I am getting VERY affordable dresses ($78 each, convertible) and letting everyone wear strappy silver heels they are comfortable in- and I’m having a very formal destination wedding. The trip cost aside, I know some of my BM’s are in a tight spot and not only am I aware of that, but I am accomodating to that. I think that is insane. One of my BM’s and best friend’s joked when she came to my e-party that my gift was having her there and it truly was a better gift than anything I got. (I am also helping 4 of my 7 BM’s to pay for their trip but they don’t know it yet- I just don’t want them to feel uncomfortable because they wanted to be BM’s- it isn’t THEIR fault I’m having a destinaton wedding, it’s mine) 

You def need to explain to them about some of this… esp the hair and makeup and the Vegas trip. That is a LOT of money- tell her you and her will go out to bars together and you’ll take her out when she gets back, just the two of you. She should understand if she is your friend. 

Post # 16
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Holy ridiculousness! Politely tell them they get one shower each. Period. Say no to Vegas – you’d love to but you can’t afford it right now. Do your own hair. They should be able to understand how difficult expenses can get when planning a wedding and be more understanding.

I felt terribly guilty for picking a $220 Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, especially since they are still in college or just out. For shoes I said you can wear any silver-colored dressy shoe you have – no way was I going to make them purchase new and dye a silly color. I set up appointments for hair/makeup for the girls who WANTED it – AND I’m paying for it! I’m also paying lodging (we’re staying at a cool summer house at a local nature preserve) for the night before the wedding. I’v tried to be very conscious of expenses they would have, since a couple are driving in from several hours away Besides dress and alterations, the only other things they are paying is lodging for the night of the wedding and transportation. I did have two showers but the 2nd is combined with the bachelorette and I told them all to just come to the 2nd and don’t worry about gifts.

I can’t believe how much those brides are expecting you to pay! You need to do what’s best for you and your upcoming wedding and these girls should be able to understand that.

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