(Closed) I am really confused. Could use some advice, and a hug.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

What about an individual health plan? Mine is about $175 a month through BlueCross BlueShield (Carefirst in MD, looks like it’s Regence in WA?) Cobra’s always going to be outrageous, but there are affordable individual plans out there.

Post # 18
9251 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Also can;t you apply for insurance independently from employment? If as you say you are a good saver then you would definately have the money to pay for it and you could even dip inot the wedding fund if you had to.

Post # 19
5493 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@vorpalette:  Yes I agree with this.  


no one has to know that you went and signed some documents to make it legal.  You can still have a ceremony and wedding reception after.

I have a friend who did this before she was even engaged.  She needed insurnace so her and her BF got legally married.  However they continued living their life as boyfriend and girlfriend.  Only a few people knew about it.  Now it’s 3 years later and they just got publically engaged and are planning a wedding.  Everyone is super thrilled for them, including the people who know they are technically married.  Sotimes life comes up and you have to do what you have to do.  Don’t let “etiquette” control your life.  Sometimes outdated etiquette rules just don’t work in the real world for every situation.

Post # 20
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

How old are you?  If you’re under 26 you should be able to be added onto your parents insurance.. or your Fiance may be able to add you as a domestic partner.


oops.. just saw youve already looked into being a DP.

Post # 21
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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I agree, 100%. Why does anyone have to know? Do you think I am telling anybody that we are going to the courthouse first? Nope! Nobody’s beeznus but ours.


Post # 23
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I see a couple of things here when reading your post & update…

1- Your Parents & Fiance both LOVE you very very much and only want the best for you

2- You do seem to have some sort of health issues going on that require good & reliable insurance coverage (be that for prescriptions or an emergency situation)

3- Your Friends LOVE you very very much

4- You are a level headed gal, who is worried about Etiquette and being above board with your Guests.

Ok… so here is what I would do.

Get yourself to the Courthouse and get yourself married, so you can get covered by your THEN HUSBAND’s Insurance Coverage

Be open and honest with your friends & family… about the situation (when it comes to Health I think most people truly understand WHY things like this are ok).  When you tell them the news be aware, you should also tell them the aprox date of your Bigger Wedding Ceremony & Celebration (in that way, they’ll realize that they can hold off on their sending a gift etc until then… altho if they choose to mark the occasion now for you… there really isn’t much you can do about that)

Truly the ONLY downside to Eloping.

Realize how blessed you are… that you have sooo many in your life who love and care about you… your health & well being.

So even I as a bit of an Etiquette Snob knows that that will TRUMP anything and everything in an Etiquette Book.

Another words, if you GFs still want to organize a Bridal Shower for you… or a Couples Shower for the 2 of you (maybe more appropriate)… let them.  As long as EVERYONE invited knows the whole situation, things should be fine.

A Bachelorette is a bit more problematic… BUT if it is just a few “understanding” and close GFs even that shouldn’t be a huge issue.

The main thing is to be real, honest & open in this situation.

Your Wedding Invites for example, could say to “confirm the marriage of ___ and ___ ” rather than specific words “Vow Renewal”… that way you can create them however you like in regards to who’s names go on for hosting the event. *

In the end your BIG DAY with the Wedding Ceremony & Reception can be whatever you want it to be.

Hope this helps,

* NOTE – If you want some more help with wording, you can always drop me a PM

PS… For the record I am all in favour of the “idea” of getting married and just keeping it a secret… but that NEVER seems to work out… and then people call the whole Wedding a sham… which is WHY if there is a real NEED to marry early (like yours) I do think that there is a way to “work around” things and be honest.


Post # 24
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ask his HR dept if the health insurance will cover you as domestic partners….my friend recently did this.

Post # 25
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I completely feel you on this — we’ve considered doing just that as I’m also working as a contractor and have had to get my own insurance, which is more expensive than what we’d pay on his plan.  That said, I’ve found that it’s possible to get an individual plan for a few hundred dollars a month.  So that’s one option.  But if that doesn’t feel feasible, I say, go to the courthouse and just don’t tell anyone.  No one needs to know; this is completely between you and your fiance.  My fiance and I contemplate it all the time since our wedding is over a year from now, and some days we just really, really want to be married already.  If I had a health issue come up that would be better covered under his plan, we’d go to the courthouse tomorrow.  And then we’d have our wedding just the same as if we’d waited.  Do what makes the most sense for you — don’t worry about ettiquete.  This is your life, and you deserve to do what’s best for you without having to compromise on the wedding of your dreams.  Best of luck!!  

Post # 26
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

When we travel on lifes road most of us like to make plans. We know where we want to go and how we want to get there but sometimes…. we need to take a detour. It doesn’t mean we won’t get to where we want to go but just have to take a different route.

With your medications being expensive, I mean really expensive!! $95 a pill? Whoa baby!! isn’t like buying a bottle of asprin from Walgreens. Not only do you need Rx’s need to be covered but what if you need surgery or a trip to the ER? Think about how much that could cost with no insurance.

I think you should get married at the courthouse and tell family and close friends. I think This Time Round had some great ideas and could be the way to go. You have a unique situation and are being responsible about taking care of your health.

Take the detour, you’ll still get to your destination!!!

Post # 27
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Have you thought about moving the wedding up just a bit? Maybe to 6 months instead of over a year? That seems to be a compromise of what you need and what you want. 

Post # 29
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would be open to the idea of a courthouse wedding but not rushing to it. I would see if you can get that advance in perscriptions and then if not I would just remember that health is more important than the when. If I was invited to a “wedding” after a civil union so that the Bride could be healthy I wouldn’t have any issue with that. I would expect it to be a lot like a traditional wedding which can happen. A priest/ pastor would be happy I’m sure to allow you to “redo” rather than renew your vows. You also don’t have to wear wedding bands before this so you can save the exchange of rings until then. The only thing that wouldnt happen is the signing of the marriage certificate though some churches also have you sign a prettier certificate so perhaps you could sign a piece of art for your home. I would sit down with whomever was orgiinally going to marry you and see what they are willing to work with you on. It will be ok, I think there is no issue doing both if it comes to that but I would make it your plan B.

Post # 30
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If I were in this situation, I’d get married at the courthouse and have the wedding a year later. One of my best friends had to get legally married before their wedding, due to immigration laws, and while immediate family and friends knew, it did not take away at ALL from their incredible ceremony & vow exchange at the wedding.

However, for you, I understand that this may not be something you want to do. My biggest concern for you is what will happen to your future insurance should you allow yourself to have a period without insurance – if you are slapped with a pre-existing condition, you may not even be able to GET insurance next time around. 

Post # 31
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you know you have medical issues, it might be in your best interest to get married sooner. But also have your Fiance check into his insurance.. some plans let you add a spouse before you’re legally married, as long as you show a marriage license (here you can get one 2 months before your wedding date). My Fiance could add me as soon as we had the marriage license, we just have to show them in the future our marriage certificate as proof we went through with the wedding. 

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