(Closed) I am sad. (kinda long… venting)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) My only advice to you is the wedding isn’t about the families but you and your fh… if the two of you want a wedding then you should get one and have whomever you want there (unless they fils are footing the bill)… i definitely would take a high road and not accept any monetary involvement from them (especially since they may ask for it back if you do something they don’t like)

Post # 4
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Eek. Sorry you are going through this. My advice is to just step back for the time being. You may want a good relationship with her and hope that everyone will make up, but until she changes her behavior that probably won’t happen. Has your Future Mother-In-Law always been like this or is it something new? If this act is new, I would wonder if something else is going on.

Post # 5
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Oh!  That’s so tough.  Perhaps you can just focus on your relationship with your Future Sister-In-Law.  It sounds like she needs family too!

That notwithstanding, I agree with Bamboo–do you think Future Mother-In-Law might have some physical ailment that’s causing her to be unbalanced?

Post # 7
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

What a vile m.i.l and what a terrible excuse for a mother. Honestly it sounds like your life will be nicer without her in it, do you really want such a negative person around your future children (thats assuming you wanted to have children of course)? I’m afraid I can’t explain why so folk are so wicked but, just focus on the positive, loving people in your life.

Post # 8
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’d definitely turn it down! They sound like very special people.

Post # 9
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

oh dani jo! i’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this! πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™

Sounds like Future Mother-In-Law is a hard person to love, and KUDOS to you for making that extra effort. I want to encourage you to guard your own self though too – it will be important over the years for you and H to keep reaching out to her, if you want to maintain a relationship with his family, but you need to make sure you’re doing it in ways that FIRST protect you from being hurt by her. Seems like she’s more of a ‘taker’ than a ‘giver’, so be ready to give give give and not expect much in return. Not an easy task while planning a wedding, let alone for years to come! 

I think the advice to NOT rely on her financially (even for something insignificant) is definitely good – why give her grounds to find fault?

Hope things look up. You’ve always got your bees to be here and listen if you need us. πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my mother disowned my sister (her first child) over 10yrs ago and in the package she lost her first 3 grandsons and now her first great grand child.

my advise, dont get in the middle of it.

i have my sister who i get on with and my mother who i endure and the 2 never meet. i dont even mention one to the other – im switzerland as far as they are concerned.

im sorry your not going to have a relationship with her as you hoped but the woman is toxic and i suggest you dont invest too much because youre going to get burnt

((hugs))

Post # 11
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I too would suggest you distance your self from this woman. If FH is not interested in a relationship with her, you should just stay neutral to the situation, treat her nicely but don’t go out of your way for her. If at any point she changes, (maybe she will realizer the consequences of her actions in her old age and change her attitude) then you can reevaluate. I think your life will be happier without her and it seems that you value your relationship with FH’s sister much more. It sounds like you had hoped this will turn out differnetly but if he moved into your house at 17, you kind of knew this was not going to change. You can’t change someone who does not think she is doing anything wrong but you can yhoose not to surrond yourself with toxic people. Best of luck, once you admit to yourself that this relationship will never bee as you imagined, I think you will be happy to move on.

Post # 12
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this person. And I think it really, really only a select lucky few who have a “great” relationship with their in-laws. Please realize that although your “dream” of having a great relationship with the inlaws may not come true, your dream of getting married to a wonderful partner is certainly coming true and that is the most important part.

 

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Dani, its not going to be easy but you have to set boundries, its the only way its going to work.  if one wants to start bitching about the other speak up immediately that you will not take sides or get invovled – trust me…. been there, living it now

unfortunately at some point you may have to make some tough choices because if things dont improve i suspect they will refuse to be in the same room at the same time. if FI’s mum is a emotional blackmailer i suspect your wedding might be one of those times.  i picked my sister & family over my mother for my post wedding party and told my mum that was the price for my family being a basketcase because really its my mum that has issues with all 3 of us siblings while the 3 of us are a great support for eachother

goodluck!

 

Post # 15
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

HUGS!!!!!!  I to was very excited to be a part of my FH family and I loved them at first, they were perfect and great in everyway, that is until they didn’t get what they wanted.  My fiance and his dad had started an automotive shop together a few years before I met him and my fiance was the mechanic and his dad sat in the office and bs with all the customers, I am not kidding he did nothing other than call in tire orders which were prepared fore him.  But he raked in the dough and my fiance was salaried and not even making minimum wage by the time he was working 7 days a week and 16+ hours a day. Plus his dad would make him pay for everything he needed to fix the cars and such so with that my fiance was falling behind in bills and such and him and his dad fought all the time, so he decided to quit the buisness.  He sat down with his dad and just calmly said I want out and that he would let his dad take all the time he needed to find a replacement and he would train him and such.  But his dad blew up and called him horrible things and disowned him.  Spread lies around town that I punched my Future Mother-In-Law and that we stole from the company and such and told the family my FH just walked out and left him with nothing.  Long story, so as of now we don’t speak to them.  It is sad not to have a relationship, but really do you want a relationship with people that cause trouble in your life.  Life is hard enough without the extra BS. 

I am sorry you have to go through it.  But just keep in mind it is YOUR day and make it special for you two:)  It can be done without family.  We are getting married in two weeks and not a single family member will be there.  But we have our own church family that will be and they are there to love us and support us and make our day great:)

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