Post # 1
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
Ok so I have been having problems with my Maid/Matron of Honor from the begining! I had an earlier post about her too! But anyways she just does not seem to care about anyof it. She is coming across nasty too! Since we started planning last April she has come up to help once! One of my Bridesmaid or Best Man comes once a WEEK! I am not asking that of her(my MOH) but at least to care for christ sakes! The latest…..I have been planning a party for all in our bridal party for months. Well its may 22nd she can not come. The point of this party was to get everyone together practice our funny first dance for the 1st time go over wedding details and everything. Well she then posts in the email (that all the BM’s get) that maybe one of them (whom she hardly knows) can meet HER and show her the dance! Other then the party I asked that each of them come up twice to help make the favors! No one has a problem with this but her….she is my MOH!!! Her reason for NOT being able to come up twice is 81 days is that the ride is too much (its 30minutes!) everyone else is driving it! and I drive it all the time to go down to my moms house and sisters house! its really not bad! instead she wants me to drive down to her and give her “take home projects” its not freakin preschool its my wedding!
Am I just over reacting?…..Should I even be upset?……Is this just like a combination of everything?…….What would you all do?…..I am so lost I dont even know what to do!
I already went to her house and sat down face to face and talked to her about her lack of involvement and she promised to be better with it…..I dont know
Post # 3
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
Its so hard with these things, because the majority of girls when wedding planning get emotional with stress. I think the excuse for the ride being too much.. for crying in a bucket its 30 minutes! That would make me mad.. that makes me mad that someone would even think to use it as an excuse. L A M E. So right on sister for being annoyed there. Would she take offence to you asking her to step down? or is it too late for that?
Post # 4
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
My Maid/Matron of Honor is the same way. She hasn’t asked me ONE time about my wedding. My bridal shower is in early July and none of my other bridesmaids have heard from her in terms of invites, decor or ideas. I ended up picking a 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor, my 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor planned an entire bachelorette party in a week of me asking her and already started collecting the money for it. I should mention she lives in Atlanta and I live in Pittsburgh. So I can see where you’re coming from. My Maid/Matron of Honor could care less it seems and her reason is “the wedding is so far away, I am not excited yet”. Which I get if she doesnt understand the planning process. So now I have 5 bridesmaids and 2 MOHs :). I split their duties and actually tried to talk to my original Maid/Matron of Honor to maybe step down (I of course asked nicely). She refused to. It sucks because my other Maid/Matron of Honor wants to do everything and she is SOOOOO excited, but I never asked her originally because she is out of state. Buuuut she has done much more than my original one already and it’s been like a month for her and about 9 months for my original. Is there another girl you could ask? Maybe one of the more excited BMs?
Post # 5
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
Try to understand it from her point of view…I’m sure she is happy for you, but maybe its hard for as well. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is your closest friend, you’re getting married- she may be affected by this by reflecting on her own life and may not what she sees…so she isn’t involved because its hard on her…
Of course, she might be just plain ol’ self-centered because i’m way off in my assessment above!
I just know I’ve been through many weddings and thankfully, I never reacted like that, many other of my friends have done so.
Post # 6
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
Maybe I’m of the minority but I don’t think it’s the MOH’s job to do your crafts. If she volunteers to help with things like making favors then great but to require her to come to your house and help you twice is a bit much. I feel like she is making a fair compromise by asking you to give her the pieces and she’ll do the work at her place so she does not have to drive. If you want the help, then you should be willing to drop the stuff off since you drive to your mom’s anyway.
As far as attending a bridal party party, I would think she would want to do that but maybe she is just feeling like too much is expected of her at this point.
Post # 7
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
I have to agree with Slicey19 on this one…I don’t think that you should MAKE anyone do your crafts. I would be embarassed to have to force people to come to me not once but 2 times in order for me to have things I thought were needed for the day. If they ask then sure use the help…but making it a requirement is a little pushy.
Post # 8
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee
I’m kind of on the fence about this. Saying she can’t make the drive because it’s 30 minutes, is kind of lame. If I was in your Bridal Party I would be making a bigger effort.
However, because you have some BMs who are being really great about helping you, I think your perception has been impacted. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she doesn’t want to do your favors. Some gals really don’t like that stuff. And I agree that having you drive to her to give her the favors is a fair enough compromise. They’re YOUR favors. Why does she need to drive to your place, and do the work, for your wedding. A bridal party isn’t really there to be your free labor.
Also, I was with you saying you wanted to have a party for the Bridal Party, until you said it was basically a meeting to work. I don’t know how necessary it is to have a meeting to go over all the details of the wedding. I’m guessing you already planned a rehearsal. You could even send them a nice outline of the day. And if a meeting is that necessary, I would be a little put off too, being in the Bridal Party. Sounds like a lot of work. The fun dance makes for a good time. But the reason why a lot of weddings don’t have something like that is because it’s hard to find an entire Bridal Party willing to get an act together. Maybe your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t feel comfortable doing this dance. Or maybe she just feels like you’re asking too much and is trying to avoid you.
Just a guess. Maybe there’s something else going on. (I like what mmuncha said. Maybe she is dealing with some other emotions about your upcoming marriage.) But I would cut her some slack. Be thankful you have some BMs who are willing to help you. And maybe ease up on your expectations of them.
Post # 9
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
I too agree wtih Slicey19. I wouldn’t EXPECT my BM’s to make my crafts however it would be nice if they wanted to. One of my BM’s offered this weekend to do my placecards but she asked that I give her the supplies and she will make them at home on her own time (aka after work in front of the tv!)
Again, you are asking her to do a favor for your (help you with the crafts) so if she wants to do them at home and asks you to drop them off then you should.
30 minutes may not be a big drive but its not right around the corner.
Post # 10
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
are you sure there’s not something else going on under the surface? My best friend who will be my Maid/Matron of Honor can be very sensitive and emotional, and sometimes does things or acts certain ways that make me so angry- but usually when i dig a little deeper, i find out that it’s an emotional reaction or defense mechanism for something that is bothering her. Not saying that its acceptable to act like a jerk if you are self conscious or upset about something, but it’s better than her acting that way because she is trying to be hurtful and/or doesnt’ care. Is there any sort of jealousy going on (of your happiness/marriage/other bms?) is there something else giong on in her life that is making her feel inadequate (as a person, an Maid/Matron of Honor, etc)? Mayve try talking to her about it. She’s your Maid/Matron of Honor for a reason and if she really is a very good/best friend, there’s got to be somethign more holding her back than a 30 minute ride.
Post # 11
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
I know that it does sound totally unreasonable that I am enlisting my bridesmaids to help with my favors…..i should have specified…..my favors are 4 different flavors of truffles that have to be scooped and frozen immediately or they melt. Making a 30minute ride would or even a 5 minute one would spoil them. All my girls knew at the beginning that this wasnt the typicla wedding planning since I have 4 kids I needed them to all be involoved towards the end and they all agreed to help even more than that! Except her! To be honest my other friend and
I have become more of bestfriends and my Maid/Matron of Honor hardly even talk anymore.
when i asked her to step down as my Maid/Matron of Honor thats when she promised there was nothing bugging her or weighing her down and she wanted to do it! I also asked every person in the Bridal Party individualy if they felt comfortable doing the dance and told them all that it would require a few practices….which all of the agreed they would do it as long as we could practice! I guess maybe I should just let it go and say ok she doesnt need to help when everyone else is even people not in my wedding party but I cant help but want her to be involoved and I am pissed off to be frank!Maybe this is more of a loosing my friend feeling then a horrible Maid/Matron of Honor
Post # 12
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
You already asked her to step down once?! I bet she just feels really uncomfortable about everything. I think if you want to salvage your friendship you need to put your wedding stuff aside and get together and do non-wedding related things.
Post # 13
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper
Hmm, I’m in the camp that you shouldn’t be expecting your bridesmaids to do anything for you. I know you said it’s tough b/c you have 4 kids, but your bridesmaids have other things going on besides your wedding. I know a half hour drive doesn’t seem like a lot, but that’s an hour (1/2 hour both ways) out of her day just in travel time for her to help you out with something. And I know as a friend, she shouldn’t mind, but she may have a ton of other stuff going on in her life right now that she isn’t telling you about b/c she knows you’re stressed with planning. I’m a firm believer that no one should have to take on your wedding tasks except for you. I think it would be different if she had originally offered to help and then backed out, but the reality is, your bridemaids may have other things on their mind besides your wedding. Their job is to buy a dress, and show up the day you get married.
Post # 14
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m sorry, but I think you may be overreacting a bit. The big picture is that you are marrying the person you love. In my opinion, your Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs are there to provide support, not be responsible for the other activities you mentioned. How would you feel if a friend of yours asked you to be the Maid/Matron of Honor and then asked you to step down? I certainly wouldn’t be too happy (even if I didn’t want to admit it). What is there to make her think you won’t ask her to step down again?
If it were me, I would just focus on the big picture – at the end of the day it’s all about the union between you and your husband.
Post # 15
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
I really think it’s unreasonable that you are expecting her to help with your favors. As a bridesmaid your responsibility is to buy a dress and show up on time. No more. Now, if your bridesmaids want to do more.. that’s great! But if they don’t, you can not force them. You asked these people to be in your wedding party because you are close to them and they mean a lot to you, not because you need free labor. It’s really not their responsibility to take on extra tasks just because you have four kids. If you can’t handle all the details on your own you will need to cut back. Maybe frozen truffles was too much to try to do.
Post # 16
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
I guess there are two ways to think of this. one – no matter what we might hope of others, our weddings will only ever be the most important to ourselves, not everyone else.
However, this doesn’t mean that those closest to you can’t show their support and love.
If the tables were turned, how would you be as an Maid/Matron of Honor. Give it some thought before you approach her. I hope it works out, because we all know that an uncooperative Maid/Matron of Honor is the last thing any bride needs!
xoxo