(Closed) i am so depressed – everything fell apart right before my wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think your fiance and you did the best thing for your mom. I think it would have been selfish to keep from telling her after your wedding just to avoid the drama. Your father clearly did not have the respect he should have had for your family or your mom, or else he would not have been out acting like a whore. Your sister hopefully will come around, your mom deserved to have the proof in hand.

If you want your father to still come, that’s up to you. However, I’m sure his cheating is something you will have to deal with as well. If you don’t feel comfortable having him there, then let him know he’s not welcome, and why. You are probably hurt, and angry. You might even be feeling guilty for being one of the people to help your mom through her self denial to the truth. And it’s okay to feel those things, but this is not your fault. You didn’t betray your mom’s trust. I don’t think your wedding is ruined at all. I can understand why you feel that way, but your father cheating doesn’t have to take away from one of the biggest days of your life.

I was married once before, and I found out my husband had been unfaithful to the extreme. After I left him his and our friends came out of the woodworks telling me how they had known but not thought it was their place to tell me, and all I could think was, where were you when I needed you? How could you sit in my house eating my food, and know that the man I was sitting next to was betraying me in this way? I have lost touch with all of those friends, largely due to their need to protect me from the truth. I feel as though they helped him to betray me, and left me in a situation where I felt I had no way out, and no proof of his infidelity. I felt I needed someone to tell me what I was seeing and felt was the truth, and all of those friends didn’t lie to me at the time, but they didn’t tell me the truth either.

I hope that you can get past this with your mom, and that your sister comes around. Your wedding should be about your fiance and you starting your life together as husband and wife, not your father ruining his marriage.

You can message me if you’d like to talk more. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Post # 5
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@hatemyfather: Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and your mom. Just wow. I don’t know what to say about your sister, I think she is placing her anger toward the wrong people (you and your fiance) when it should be 100% directed at your dad. I don’t know if you have had a sit down with your mom, sister, and dad about this, but it needs to be aired out well before you go because there will only be more tension.

I do not think your sister should be mad at you though for doing the right thing. At some point your mother was going to snap, and it was better that she had your fiance there to pour her heart out to because, I can only imagine how much it had to be eating at her. We’re only human. We’re fragile, and we break easily, even though we like to pretend that whatever is bothering us won’t bring us down. At some point, something like that would have destroyed her. Hold on, okay? Talk it out with everyone present who needs to be present. Try not to bring anyone else into the discussion that doesn’t need to be there.

I hope everything turns out great on your wedding day, because it’s your day to shine.

Post # 6
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@hatemyfather: It is perfectly acceptable for you to grieve the divorce of your parents, and it’s alright for you to feel upset about your having to break the news. Your mom may be upset right now, but remember she’s not upset with you. Maybe take some time with her to talk about it, or not, whatever you two need to do. Let her know she doesn’t have to participate a whole lot if she doesn’t want to, but you would like her to enjoy herself, and you’d like her to be there to see you married. If you both are comfortable with uninviting your father, go for it! You can still make sure this is special for your mom and you. Maybe ask her to give you away at your wedding if your father was going to before?

I’m sure your mom and you can find a way to get through this together, and still have your wedding be a happy day for the both of you.

I’m certain though that your mom is grateful that you stood by her in this though. If any of my friends would have come to me with the pictures or texts, or messages they had, I would have been upset, but I also would have been able to cope with it quicker than I did. I spent a lot of time asking myself why, and what all had gone on exactly, because no one had really given me what I needed for closure, until much later.

Post # 7
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand where you are all coming from but want to say, just because he cheats doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to come to his daughter’s wedding. That is their relationship. Their  issues. Don’t feel you need to help protect your mom (in case you were thinking of telling your dad not to come). It must be very difficult (stomach wrenching hard) for you right now. Sending virtual hugs.

Post # 9
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@hatemyfather: Well, I hope you all are able to work it out, or at least come to some sort of conclusion on whether or not it’s best for everyone involved whether your father attends or not. Good luck, and I truly do hope your wedding is fantastic for you and your fiance, anddd your mom! :]

Post # 11
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@hatemyfather: It sounds like you just don’t want him there, but maybe don’t want to lock in that decision yet. It’s okay to feel bad about it, but hey, my father isn’t invited to my wedding either. My stepdad will be there, so to make everyone comfortable I’m just not letting my father come. Did you pay for his plane ticket? If so you can cancel it. You can change the name your mom’s room is under, or get her a new one altogether. If he paid for his own ticket, then you can ask the airline to change where you, your fiance, and your mom sit. Is it possible to change the location of the ceremony? Or is it at a hotel, or somewhere where there might be security staffed?

It’s your and your fiance’s day, and you have every right to not have your father there if you don’t want him to be. And you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Do you think if you called your father, or wrote him a very forceful message that he would get the hint and just not go? Maybe we can put our heads together and make sure he doesn’t do anything to make part of your big day awkward for everyone :]

Post # 13
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@hatemyfather: Does your fiance have any ideas on how to avoid any awkwardness? Or is he leaving this decision up to you?

Post # 15
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@hatemyfather: Would you rather be a little upset at the thought of what if he did come and it all turned out okay, or anxious the whole time up to the wedding, and then possibly have it be a disaster with you and your mom feeling uncomfortable? I think a vacation from this situation is just what you and your mom need, and if your sister would feel guilty if she were in your shoes, well that’s up to her. Take some time deciding if him staying behind is the best thing for YOU.

I get twinges of guilt when I think about my father not coming, because he wasn’t exactly the worst, but I would much rather have him feeling a little resentful, than possibly having my stepdad who I care so deeply about, feel uncomfortable at my wedding. Don’t let anyone pressure you either way. Make a list of the pros and cons of both sides, him coming, and him not, and see what you come up with. From what you’ve posted so far, it sounds like the only pro to him coming, would be you not feeling guilty. But you’ve stated you’d feel bad about putting your mom in that situation. I think you’ll make the right choice, no matter what it is.

Post # 16
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

what a terrible situation to be in.  i am not even sure what to tell you, but i definitely agree with the others that your sister should not be mad at you.

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