(Closed) I am so frustrated I just want to give up! LONG VENT

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@heatherrobyn: **hugs** im so sorry to hear about this and because you sent out save the dates i dont even know what to say besides…start digging your heels in!!! Dont budge on anything else sweetie.

I told my DH’s parents NO so many times it was sickining. They are part of the church as well and had lots of “non’negotiables” well guess what…they are. I didnt invite them and they got over it…i know there is probably alot said behind my bacl “sorry you couldnt be invited his wife was very adament about keeping numbers down etc. etc.” At one point my Mother-In-Law told me “whats the big deal, we will just pay for more?!” I was so upset.

I changed alot about my wedding for other people and sometimes when i look back i really regret it, there were alot of fighting and alot of tears. I dont want this to happen to you. Make sure you do what YOU and you Fiance want, cause everyone one will forget everything after the wedding but you guys will remember everything!!

 

*hugs*

Post # 4
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now.  Sadly, as much as it should be your day, and your day with your Fiance, parents often view it as an opportunity of their own.  In some ways they are entitled to it, as you are their child, and they have supported you until this point.  However, when does it become too much?

In your case, it sounds as though it has become too much.  Are they paying for the wedding?  I know you mentioned a conservative budget.  I would carefully but firmly approach your mother or father and express your desire to have an intimate event with the people you know well and care about.  You are happy to accommodate these people, but remind her the expense involved, not only monetary, but also that you cannot invite other friends because the ‘non-negotiables’ are in the mix.  See if there is a way you can compromise on who to invite and who to not invite. 

If these friends have already been invited, there might not be much you can do. They may not RSVP, or they may.  Tell your mother how much this adds to your stress.  She might be more understanding.  Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry. It seems kind of sneaky she fed you the extended guest list piece by piece, but I feel there’s really nothing you can do except hope a fair amount of them will decline, since they already got the save the dates.

Definitely keep yourself and you Fiance in mind for all the future decisions, so you can craft the day you want, even if all the people aren’t the ideal group you wanted to be there.

Post # 7
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It’s NOT your Mom’s wedding; it’s yours.  Hate to be blunt.  It also sounds like you and Fiance are paying for it, and moreover, that you had in mind a certain size, that your wishes for what you both wanted were not at all respected, and that you haven’t even been able to invite your friends! As for converting this now into something more along the lines that you and hubby-to-be want — because you also want to set the tone, and the boundaries, for your future together which does not include Mom (and Dad?) charting that course — you can politely but firmly have your Mom explain to her Church pals that the save-the-date is for the ceremony only and that her daughter and her Fiance would LOVE for them to be present, but that the reception simply cannot accommodate all that would like it to.  Then go ahead and invite some of your close friends and keep your guest list to size.  Heck, you don’t even like these people and the last thing you want is to look up at your wedding and not feel a special warmth and smile inside at each and every guess (okay, practically) whom you have there on yours and hubby’s behalf.  It’s YOUR wedding, not hers.  Sorry, but I would feel that way no matter who was paying.

Post # 8
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just to add — I don’t think percentage of footing the bill matters.  I think what matters is that it’s yours and FI’s wedding and it’s probably past time to have a calm and diplomatic discussion with MOM about all this.

Post # 9
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

So sorry to hear this. Why don’t you add up how much all of your parent’s guests are going to cost you. Then give this number to your parents. I do not believe in asking parents for money. But you need to show your mom how much her friends are costing you. And you need to point out that it’s a shame the money they are giving to your wedding is just for feeding their friends, if it’ll even cover that. Maybe when your mom realizes that this money isn’t going to buy your dress, flowers, cake, etc she might rethink her prioties.Is there anyway you could do 2 receptions? I’m not a huge fan of this, but it might be the best option in your case. What I mean is, have your wedding + reception with the people YOU want. Then have a seperate church reception with the church friends. Play a slideshow with wedding photos, eat cake and lunch food and call it a day.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@JoeBeth12:  Agreed.  However, I think that some parents can counter-argue that since they are contributing, they have the right to invite who they want.  I do not agree with this mentality.  My mom wanted to invite a few of HER friends, but we agreed who was acceptable and who was not.  Coming from a large Italian family, I really struggled with not inviting my third cousin twice removed, just because my parents had been invited to their 600+ person wedding.

OP, since you and your Fiance are spending a great deal on YOUR day, make it a day all about you. Again, I would further impress upon your mom the expense that these added guests are adding – not only money, but stress, and feeling like your own friends are left out.  I think the suggestion that these non-negotiables can be invited to the wedding but not the reception might be a good compromise. 

Post # 11
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

If they are paying the bill, then they do get input on who gets to come and all the details.

That said, it sucks but you really should’ve sat down with her in the first place and narrowed down her list of “must haves”, that way you wouldn’t have been surprised when all the2’s and 3’s added up :/

ETA I think you should take this as a “lesson learned” thing, and sit down with your parents ASAP and discuss how the rest of the money will be dispersed. You can even tell them, ok, your 40% is covering the cost of the food for all your guests you HAD to have, so you have no more input on the remainder of the details.

Post # 12
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeah I’m having problems with my mom and the way HOW SHE WANTS IT attitude and it’s driving me nuts and the worst is, we haven’t even gotten full speed into planing.  I’m going crazy myself. Why do they feel they can relive their own “what they wish they had attitudes” is beyond me. 

Try and sit down with everyone and have a talk to them.  Explain to them that you are paying most of it.  If they want to pay more to have their friends so be it, if not they are not invited.  Yes save the dates are more saying yes you are getting an invitation.  But you can always leave someone off “accidently.” LOL The other thing is remind her that it’s YOUR wedding and you guys don’t know these people and you don’t want them there.  Hope it all works out for you!  You can also, just invite them to the ceremony and not the reception, that way you can invite some of your friends.  I know many people whom have had to do that.

 

Post # 13
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I like Belle2Be’s idea regarding the money totals.  I think that you should definitely sit down with your parents, show them your budget for food and drink (if there’s booze) and explain that this is where their money is going.  I don’t think that you HAVE to say at that point that you don’t need their opinion on other things.  I would just say that you want them to know where their money is going.  When it comes to other things, I would just not talk to them about it until it’s pretty much a done deal.

As you probably already know, planning a wedding brings out weird stuff in people.  There are a lot of expectations swimming around.  You and your FH just need to be solid about what you want and what is important to you both and the rest will be okay…this is coming from someone who is a stressball by nature and is a week out.  

Do you think that your domestic issues (the possibility of moving out, etc) is causing your parents to be a bit more dogmatic on other wedding-related issues?

Post # 14
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I also think @Belle2Be:‘s idea is a great suggestion. It’s easy for your parents to get carried away because they don’t have a budget to keep things in perspective. Also, as awful as it is, your parents feel entitled to making decisions without regard to your wishes because they’re paying for a big chunk of it. If you truly want them to butt out, you might have to decline all of their help.

Post # 16
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I really like your latest update…I think that suggestion works well.  Keep in mind that you may have to have someone “working the door” at your actual reception with a guest list and not letting people in who did not receive a reception invitation.  In this instance, it may be worth it to pay some big scary looking guy to be the door bouncer lol.

The topic ‘I am so frustrated I just want to give up! LONG VENT’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors