(Closed) I am so frustrated! Where is common courtesy these days?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I definitely agree on the card thing its like you don’t HAVE to put money in there but damn it at least leave a card! I am still checking the mail expecting a card haha. I think I just like cards though…

We had some that RSVP’d yes and didn’t come and I found that so rude! It’s like do you not realize how much money was spent so you and your family of 4 could eat?! I told Darling Husband that I was gonna remember all the people who didn’t RSVP and came, RSVP’d and didn’t come when their time came I would take FOREVER to get them their RSVP back and then not go! Ha that was just out of spite I would never do that but it sure is nice to pretend!

Post # 4
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I feel your pain. I had one “Friend” who texted me the day before the wedding saying she couldnt make it. I was pissed!

And yes, tons of people did not give cards – could not believe that either. These are things I would never think of doing!!

Post # 5
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

No you’re not wrong to be disappointed, and if people are unable to make it, they really SHOULD tell you.

I have a different take on the gift thing–and many people will differ with this, but I think that traditional etiquette says no one is required to give you anything for coming to your wedding. I subscribe to the etiquette logic that says you’re inviting people to share in the event with you–it’s sort of like hosting a dinner party in which case a hostess gift is customary, but it’s not poor *etiquette* for someone to show up empty-handed. This is something that I’ve read in etiquette books, so I’m not alone in this–the only time I’d ever NOT give a gift is if I wasn’t going to the wedding and I wasn’t close to the couple. But you should know at the very least that this etiquette does exist out there and other people may be following it.

And this speaks to my ultimate point–your wedding is over and your married life is just beginning. You’re making yourself unhappy keeping all this resentment. There’s nothing you can do–you can’t get your $40/head back; you can’t badger people into giving you gifts. Maybe you’ll let this change your opinion of those people, but you’re really just making yourself unhappy at this point. Focus on all the things that were great about your wedding and all the things that will make your marriage great.

Post # 6
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Some people have no idea the money that goes into each guest! This happened to FIs sister also, she was very budget oriented and couldnt help being upset when people didnt show. If you wanted to let those people know you missed them at the weddding, you could send something that says “we missed you at the wedding, hope all is well!”. It will show that you are thinking of them and you may get some explanation out of it (or a card haha). I also agree with the pp though, you are newly wed, just remember the wonderful things about the wedding and start your life together! 🙂


Post # 7
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yes your “friends” should send an apology and a check to cover their expense.  People are so rude!

But no one should be required to bring you a gift.  They were there to share the day with you.  A gift is just an extra thought.

Post # 9
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think the only way around the rsvp-yes-but-don’t-shw-up guests is to have a smaller wedding, just inviting those people who you know wouldn’t miss it for the world. Unfortunately for family politics reasons I can’t do that! I’m pretty worried about it! eeek!

Post # 10
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I was really worried about this before my wedding. I was actually surprised that EVERYONE came. One couple, didn’t show up until right before dinner, but at least they came. They happen to be the “etiquette rejects” of our wedding. I was so pissed when I did not see them at the ceremony or cocktails hour. They RSVPed two weeks late for the wedding, and then wrote in their two kids names-who were not invited. We emailed them and called several times without response to let them know that the only kids that were coming were in the brial party. Finally they answered one night when we called again-“oh yeah we got your message” WTF you couldn’t reply. Then when they finally do show up they started a fight with one of the aunts and made her cry. Their reason for being late “oh the kids wanted a ride to their friends.” Ugh! One of them is old enough to drive, and you had a save the date 15 MONTHS in advance. Then they left as soon as dinner. They did bring a card and a generous check, but seriously what is wrong with people!

I think you have every right to be angry and I personally wish that every RSVP-yes-and-don’t come person has a wedding in which eveyone RSVPs yes and NO ONE comes! I think if you have already had your wedding and you dare to do that to someone else you should be struck by lightening.

Post # 11
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

Try not to take it personally. Some people just don’t have manners, period. I’m sure they weren’t trying to hurt you.

Then again, nobody is required to give a gift. A card would’ve been nice, though.

Post # 12
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think that unless you’re on a wedding message board reguarly or have recently planned a wedding, it’s not really common knowledge how much work/energy the couple puts into planning guest list, etc.  While it’s frustrating that they rsvpd and then failed to show, you never know what might have been going on in their own lives that kept them from attending.  Of course your feelings are totally valid, but I think it’s really just a waste of energy to focus on who didn’t show or who didn’t give a card/gift, etc, because you’re the only one who is negatively affected by that.  They don’t know you’ve got their number and are pondering their faux pas.  Maybe they WILL get around to sending a gift, or note of apology for not making it in time.

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