(Closed) I am so frustrated with my sex life…no sure what to do? long!

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Maybe you should consult a sex therapist?

Post # 4
Member
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It’s totally normal for two virgins to have some “issues” with sex when they first start having it… like him finishing really quickly, and you not reaching an orgasm. Good sex is kind of complicated, and it takes time and patience to really learn each other.

That being said, I agree with Hyperventilate that a sex therapist might be a good idea.   

Post # 5
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If he never climaxes, and neither do you, what exactly do you do for sex? Does he watch porn? Did he ever have sex before he was with you? Could he be gay? Unfortunately, some men are just pretty asexual – they don’t think about it or want it. Did you have crazy, lusty make-out sessions before marriage? Sexual incompatability is terribly frustrating and can break a relationship. If he tested low end for testosterone, he can try some gel or patches and see if that boosts his libido. Ultimately, the best way to figure this out may be a combination of hormone therapy for him and counseling for both of you. You can’t be expected to stay in a sexless relationship.

Post # 6
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I used to date a guy who would try so hard to not climax too quickly that he would end up getting too nervous and not be able to climax at all. I think that’s actually a pretty common thing for inexperienced guys… They either finish too quickly or are so worried about finishing too quickly that they can’t finish at all. I think you need to ask him about it; your sex life will not improve if you guys can’t communicate 100% openly and honestly about it, with no embarrassment. Also, women are a lot harder to get off than men- many women don’t get the stimulation they need to orgasm just from penetration; a lot of women need manual or oral stimulation to get there. You two should experiment with that. And don’t forget, it takes a lot of practice to figure out what works for you. It might take some solo time on your part to figure out what you like, and then not being embarrassed to guide him when he’s there. He’ll probaby gain a lot more confidence in bed once he’s figured out how to get you to orgasm, and then maybe he’ll be much more interested :).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Especially because you got upset with him for not being able to give you an orgasm… That’s what makes me think this is a performance anxiety issue for him more than anything else.

 

Has he ever given you an orgasm? Does he often/usually get you to orgasm now that you guys have been having sex for about a year?

 

Post # 12
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Frustrated_bee:  No, it’s not sad. That’s just where you happen to be in terms of your sexual development. Do you masturbate? I highly recommend starting off by figuring that out… If you can’t figure out how to make yourself orgasm, a man definitely won’t be able to.

 

 

 

Once you have figured out the kind of stimulation you need to orgasm, you can start to experiment with your husband. He’ll need some direction about what feels good in terms of spot, pressure, speed of movement, etc. You just can’t be afraid to talk about it. I think he also has some similar hangups regarding communicating his sexual interests, needs and desires to you since he has been masturbating secretly. It’s not at all bad or wrong that he masturbates, but there’s no reason for it to be kept secret. 

 

 

 

I know a lot of women who have gone through what you’re going through right now who took my advice, kept trying to improve things, become more comfortable sexual beings, and practiced communicating their needs to their husbands, who now have very active, happy and satisfying sex lives! Most couples do NOT have mind blowing sex from the get-go! You have to work at getting to know each others bodies, especially when you don’t really know your own very well to start out with!

 

I think speaking to a therapist is the wrong place to start. If you can’t talk to each other openly about sex yet, it’s silly to think that would work with a therapist. It sounds to me like your man has some low sexual self esteem… Building that up by making him able to satisfy you will help your sex life… Taking him to therapy will do the opposite.

 

Post # 13
Member
1797 posts
Buzzing bee

I would try to lay off for a little bit to see if that helps at all. I think guys have the belief that women should only want sex when they do, and he may be feeling a lot of pressure to perform to a certain standard which is making it impossible for him to climax. My SO has this quirk that he can climax quickly when we are having full blown sex, but if we are attempting anything close to a quicky it ends up taking 25 minutes before he realizes “it just ain’t gonna happen.” It’s just the pressure to perform.

 

I would also ask him about has masturbation habits. It can be kind of awkward at first talking about this kind of stuff, but it may help him to know that you are truly interested in making it work for both of you. Some men get in the mood where they need it now, and if they can’t have sex specifically they have to masturbate right away. For my SO once he has his mind set on having sex there isn’t much that can change it. Even if I were to say wait one hour it would probably just result in him masturbating because I guess it’s just an impulse. If he is masturbating too often for some reason then that will definitely cause him performance problems. If he is masturbating maybe suggest taking a few days or a week off from that to see if it helps your situaton. This would also break his cycle of masturbation, not ejaculating during sex which ultimately leads to more masturbation.

 

Lastly, I think you should take care of yourself. A lot of women have this misconception that women should not masturbate. I don’t know if you’re one of them, but I think it would help your sex life tremendously if you did explore your own body. Most women do not orgasm during vaginal sex, so by finding what you enjoy personally you can help your Darling Husband out a lot. Share with him what you discover about yourself, and then the task won’t seem so daunting for him. He may be embarrassed to not give you what you want, so he is nervous to try anything. 

 

I think at the end of the day good sex does take time just like PPs said. Just remember that even people who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex still had to go through things just like you are, but they did not have the pressure of being married hindering them since you are expected to have sex after marriage! It took my SO and I a good four months of trying all kinds of different things before we were even able to successfully have sex. Four years later, and I’d say we do just fine! 

Post # 14
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Frustrated_bee:  

I’m taking a guess and assuming that you are both also in your 20s.  It’s normal to have high hopes for sex immediately after your wedding expecially since you both had made the commitment to wait until you were married.  And it’s tough when you feel you are the only one keeping up “your end”.

Right now it sounds like your husband has been wired to respond sexually to porn.  It’s safe, non-threatening or challenging as there are no real feelings and emotions attached.  He is in complete control of the situation.  With you, he is out of his comfort zone- you’re a real woman, the woman he made his bride and prized enough not to have sex with anyone else before marrying you.  He has to also see you a a multilayered person, that basically he can love you and also be raunchy with you and that it’s ok.  That may be hard for him to do- to see you as a princess and also a sexual woman.

I would not recommend going to a sex therapist at this stage… It will just rachet up the perception for both of you that there is a Problem with a capital P.

Start (though it is frustrating as hell) with going back to basics.  Play with him.  By that, I mean, Don’t Beg.  It’s pathetic. He will not respect that and it’s not sexy. 

Step 1. Flirt with him, wear flattering clothes that make you feel sexy, kiss him, caress him just before you walk out the door to work. 

Step 2. When you spend time together, engage in physical but non-demanding contact that lets him know how much you love and appreciate him.

Step 3.  When you are next sexually intimate- don’t fall into the same pattern of trying intercourse- tell him you want to learn how to please each other and take turns learning (explicitly) from each other what turns the other person on.  Be brave.  Ask him to come to the party, gently and seductively, not begging.

Step 4.  Take it out of the bedroom.  Make love on the couch, closet, anywhere

Step 5.  Don’t measure the quality of your intimate life by how many orgasms he has or you have.  It’s how connected you are when you are initimate no matter wher his dick is at the time.  When you keep count you are just as bad as a porn director, measuring the success of the “experience” by being goal orientated.  It’s about the journey.

When you stop focussing on the end point (orgasm) and putting pressure on both of you and start playing with your lover, enjoying the journey, you will get what you want (orgasm).  Be patient and you will get there.

Post # 15
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Ozziebee:  I totally agree! 

 

 

 

You should get to know your body first. Maybe get a vibrator. It’s also possible that you can’t climax without a little help, perfectly normal. Just to know what an orgasm feels like, I’ll suggest getting the vibrator. It works great! Lol. Honestly, watching porn can help too. Learn  different techniques. How to tease each other. The fantasy porn tend to be more erotic than hard core porn. But you can learn to do a really good bj by the hard porn. Baby steps. Haha! Ask him what he likes and what he may want you to do to him. I say explore each other and don’t go straight to penatration. Have a little for play. 

 

 

 

Good luck! 

 

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