(Closed) I am so hurt and he just doesn’t get it….help

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ugh, this is tough. I have no suggestions on this. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Just because its not the first marriage does not mean it isn’t every bit as special. ((HUGS))

Post # 4
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@december bride: You might not want to hear this but I think he made a freudian slip and he actually meant that it ‘wasn’t a big deal’ to him. Showing absolutely no interest in your wedding and then gushing about wedding plans is weird. If he didn’t care about weddings he would tell his daughter to pick whatever she wanted and that he didn’t care to view it…just as he did with your plans.

I don’t think you are out of line or jealous at all. Although I am not sure how to help you, I do think your feelings are completely valid.

Post # 5
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like he’s seeing them as different things. Is this the first wedding for either of you?

The focus he’s giving his daughter’s wedding is probably coming from a different place – that of a parent. I don’t know either of you, obviously, but looking at it that way I can totally understand how the approaches might be different.

When you do talk to him about it (and you should, it’s better not to sit on things), just be careful about how you do so. Don’t make it about his daughter – it shouldn’t be anyway, and it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to make it that. Use specifics and “I feel” statements. Maybe find out where he’s coming from, and how he sees each wedding and why.

Post # 6
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

You are dealing with a grown man and his daughter, its a difficult thing to be in-between. Its a special relationship between them and both of you have been married in the past. Maybe he is trying to make his daughter feel better because you two are getting married as well which could be weird. if haven’t already, just be honest in where you feel he is lacking enthusiasm or what makes you tick . You are just as important 🙂

Post # 7
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@december bride: No, you are not wrong. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Have a romantic dinner with him and explain at that point

“I love you. This is a wonderful night and reminds me of when we first met. I want our wedding to be special because I love you so much. Do you see where I’m coming from? It’s wonderful that ________ is enaged! I love her like my own…But I love you too and it hurts that you don’t think our wedding is just as important.”

If he dosen’t react well to that, I’m not sure what else to advise 🙁

Post # 8
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d tell him what you told us.  But maybe a bit more diplomatically.  Tell him you would love it if he were more involved, and explain to him what you want him to do. 

Post # 9
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Eva Peron: agreed.  Daddy/daughter can be a pretty unconquerable bond when it’s done correctly.  Maybe the way your Fiance see’s it is as: No matter what he will end up with you, so the wedding part isn’t a super huge deal, he’ll be with you regardless.  However, his daughter will be ‘not his’ after her wedding, so he has to enjoy every second of it whilst she’s still his? I don’t know, total shot in the dark, but sometimes guys think that way =)

Post # 10
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly, I think you’re overwhelmed with the planning and maybe that’s why this is getting to you. That’s his baby, and daughters bring out a mushy side in men that no girlfriend, wife, puppy, anything could ever compare to (I am also a stepmom to a great kid, and never felt jealousy either, so I understand how you feel about her). My Fiance is all work boots and power tools, but will play pretty pretty princess with his daughter for hours. It’s just how they are.

You are a grown woman who is completely capable of planning on your own, and he knows you’ll get whatever you want. He thinks you have it covered. When it comes to her, he’s probably used to being there for guidance and support when she needs him, because his job is to protect her and make everything easy for her. He’s approaching your wedding how most fiance’s do and his daughter’s wedding how lots of fathers do, it’s just a little tough to have them both happening at the same time. He may also feel like he’s making up for any lost time by being as involved as possible.

I don’t think you’re feelings are wrong at all, just tell him SPECIFIC things you need him to do to help take the pressure off of you. It’s not that her wedding means more to him, it’s just he’s caught up in the excitement of his little girl getting married, men don’t get nearly as excited about their own weddings haha

Post # 11
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This must suck, I am sorry. However, I will say that when my father remarried – he did the same thing – left all the details to his soon to be wife because realistically most men of a certain generation aren’t really into the fine details, In My Humble Opinion.

Unfortunately, when I got engaged, my father was also disinterested. And I had to tell him to act at least act one ounce interested. He’s still useless in this respect!

You may need a word with him to relay your feelings.

Post # 12
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

You need to go on a date just you guys. Then you need to tell him how you are feeling and why. Why is his marriage not just as important to him as his daughters??

Post # 14
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@december bride: first of all, the deer footage thing!? wow! he’s lucky to have you!!!  

secondly, I just watched the SATC movie again the other night, and now that I am engaged and planning a wedding myself I had a totally new perspective on Carrie and Big’s relationship!  I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but he was totally uninterested in the wedding plans and she gets really upset, and then he says to her ‘this is my third marriage. Don’t you see how embarrassing this is for me?’  And he tells her he just wants to go the the JoP. Because being with her and being married to her is more important that the actual wedding for him.  So i wonder if because this is your man’s second marriage, maybe he feels like he doesn’t deserve to get all excited about it?  Or that he ‘shouldn’t’. Maybe he feels it’s more socially acceptable for him to be excited about his daughter’s wedding? 

I don’t know. Part of me is kind of envious because i would LOVE my Fiance to back off on the wedding plans!!  If he left it all up to me I would be THRILLED! ha! i guess no matter what we’re never happy eh?!  good luck!

Post # 15
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think he’s…. being a guy. I’m sorry, I know that sounds silly. He’s excited for his “little girl” and it’s a big step for her whereas he might not see a very small wedding as needing as much planning (though we women know, it still takes a ton of planning!!). What year was his first wedding? I’m guessing over 26 years ago. I’m also guessing his former wife and Mother-In-Law did all the work and he was just expected to show up, know what I mean?


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