(Closed) I am so hurt (long)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow. I am so, so sorry. I know everyone is going to tell you this, but you need to believe it: you deserve a man that loves you for YOU. If you want to manage your weight in a healthy way, that is your decision, but should not affect how he feels about you.

Post # 5
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i will point out though that he never said he didn’t love you, and you seemed to press him really hard, so while him telling you he wishes you were thinner must hurt like hell (especially given your past- so sorry), he didn’t call you fat.  and he was completely honest.  it sounds like you might also be a bit frustrated with yourself, since the weight loss is a slow process?  stick with it, though…you can do it!  and it sounds like he does really love you and wants to be with you.

Post # 6
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

@pharmy:  I’m so, so sorry you had to deal with that.  I was heavily builimic when I was around 13-16 years old, and it takes a lot to get over.  My brother is now builimic, too.  Builimia is one of the hardest eating disorders to get over, even harder than anorexia I would argue. 

I think your Fiance deserves a kick in the teeth for saying that he wishes you were thinner. But you haven’t told him about your ED past, correct?  It might be a good idea to talk to him and tell him just how much his comment hurt. 

Also, have you looked into therapy for builimia?  Often times, they actually will put you on a pill (i think its anti anxiety or anti depression, can’t remember).  As a teen, I found going to Overeaters Annonymous really helped too. 

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.  But not talking about your ED, and being so upset with your Boyfriend or Best Friend for saying the weight comment is a recipie for a huge binge and purge…. so please, talk about it with him.  With anyone. 

Post # 7
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oh, my heart broke for you when I read what he said to you.  I am so sorry he hurt you like that.  How are things with you two today?  Did you tell him how deeply that comment cut you?  I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice at the moment but I know the bees will be supportive and say all the right things.  What he said was really insensitive and implied that one of the reasons he was holding back was because of your weight.  If that’s true….well, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Post # 8
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am so, so sorry!!!!  First off, HE IS AN ASS & it IS shallow!!  It would be one thing if he were concerned about your health (you didn’t mention your height) but as a reason not to get engaged?

I would seriously think twice about marrying this guy.  You have every right to be hurt, lots of hugs.

Post # 9
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think what he said was mean, but in his defense, you did ask him to be honest with you & say it.  Now he’s being punished for being truthful with you.  I understand why you’re hurt, and PP’s are right- you deserve someone who loves YOU not the package you are in.  Is this something you can get past?  Does he understand that what he said hurts you?  Does he understand that even thinking that way is undermining your relationship? 

Post # 10
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can’t imagine what that feels like. Darling Husband and I tease each other about our extra weight and we know we need to kick it off, but if he loves you, he loves you. Just one thought — his mean words could be a defense mechanism for him. Maybe it’s his rationale for not moving forward when the reality is it is much deeper. Darling Husband and I have done counseling — that might be a good thing for both of you to help work through your individual and mutual issues. Hugs! I hope it all works out.

Post # 11
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry youre going thru this. From your post, its obvious that this is a very sensitive subject for you. One thing I want to say is not to be too hard on him over this. I really dont see him saying that he doesn’t love you hpw you are, so try not to read that into it. It sounds like he does love you a lot and would just prefer a healthier and fitter you. I don’t see anything wrong with that, but he did express it poorly. Let him know him know how much it hurt you. Tell him what you’re doing to control your weight and tell him what he can do to support you.

Post # 12
Member
9885 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh dear, I wish I could jump through here and give you a big hug in person.  First of all, you’re taking what he said way too hard.  I’m sure he never, ever in a million years meant to hurt you as much as you’re hurting.  Honestly, men can be so dumb sometimes with comments like that.  But the truth is, he loves you!  He was being honest but he shouldn’t have said it.  But try to look at it this way, he loves you and wants you healthy.  And of course he wants you to be attractive to him, that’s only natural.  And if you have a good sex life you can rest assured he finds you very attractive or he wouldn’t have sex with you. 

This same thing happened to my best friend when she first started dating the man who is now the love of her life.  She couldn’t understand why they were on-again/off-again at first, and finally he told her he was more attracted to someone thinner.  At first she was very angry and hurt, needless to say.  But then she realized how much she cared about him and wanted it to work, so she got to work on herself.  She started eating healthier and working out and taking better care of herself and he noticed.  They’ve been together ever since and now live together.

All of this said, I would be hurt, too, if my Fiance ever said something like that to me.  I would probably also be furious, lol.  Try to get past this and take it for what it is, that he’s being honest.  It does not mean he doesn’t love you and want to marry you.  It means he is being honest in telling you he wants you to be the best YOU you can be.  Think of being healthier as a way to show him how much you love him and care about how he feels, too.

Post # 13
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunfire:  I seriously praise your friend for losing weight or being healthier, though I think it’s sending the wrong message to do it for a guy & not for yourself.

 

Post # 14
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow. My heart cracked a little reading that. You have every right to be hurt, hearing that from anyone much less your partner is just beyond words. I can see both sides: weight is a struggle in some way to most people. if it was as easy as just saying ” I’m going to be thin today!” we’d all be sticks. On the other hand it seems like a partner gaining weight can cause problem in relationships causing one to not be attracted anymore.

However in this situation I do not see what weight has to do with it. He can’t propose because you are not thin? Dear I beg of you- do not listen to that bull. It is one thing to feel less attracted to your partner because of weight… it is a whole other ballgame to use weight as a reason to put off marriage. You do not deserve that kind of disrespect. What happens when you have a baby? or will he say he doesn’t want to have kids because he is worried you will get fat? This has disaster for your well being written all over it. I am so so sorry, I wish I could hug you right now. 

Post # 15
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Mrs. Meowerson:  I agree.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it must really hurt that he said that to you, but please keep in mind he never said he didn’t love you. I’m not trying to justify what he said, but he was completely honest with you, which is what you wanted.

I don’t think this is an issue about him not loving you for who you are. I think he does love you. I think you need to talk to him about what you’re feeling and how his comment hurt you. But keep in mind he wouldn’t still be with you if he didn’t love you for who you are and how you look.

 

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