- 8 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
So, last night SO and I got talking about rings again. I’ve finally picked out the *one*, although I’ve made it clear to him that I would be happy with a twist tie as long as it came from him. As usual, it just seems like he is so…not excited. I’m giddy with excitement about getting engaged, and we have been together 9 years this July and living together for 4 of them. I didn’t push him into it, but he knows it’s important to me and seemed happy when we were talking about the future and going around ring shopping.
Well, last night I finally get to the end of my rope and just ask him why he isn’t excited and if there’s something he should be telling me. That if this isn’t what he wants he needs to speak up right now instead of just go along with it because it makes me happy. He is extremely non-confrontational; always takes the path of least resistance even if it means his needs and wants are ignored, and I’m sensitive to that. Well, I won’t go into detail but we ended up talking and crying for like three hours. Eventually he says he’s scared he’ll do something wrong because every other relationship (talking friends and family here, I’m his only serious girlfriend) he’s ever been in has gone bad, and he thinks it’s his fault. Truth is he had a rough childhood – moving around so much he barely got to make friends, his mom passed away when he was 9, and his dad was never in the picture and suddenly he has to live with him. His dad, while not physically abusive, is a heavy drinker and gets very…unpleasant. I can’t even imagine how he was treated. He says all this makes him scared to take our relationship to the next level.
This I say we can work through, it’s okay, I understand (and I really try to). But then I ask if there’s anything else and…well, at first he hesistates and says “I can’t say it..you’ll think I’m an ass. It’s so shallow.” At this point I kind of know what he is going to say, so I just tell him to say it.
“I wish you were thinner.”
And that’s where my heart broke. This is my “soft spot” so to speak…I got up to 200 lbs this year (size 14), and have been trying really hard to get back down to a normal weight healthily and slowly. I got down to 187 before finals, but all the stress has got me back to 195. The issue here is that not only am I sensitive about my weight, I am a recovered bulimic and he knows it. He knows how much I struggle with it, even to this day. What gets me is when I told him I just can’t believe he thinks that, he says “Well don’t you ever wish I was more muscular and stuff?” (he’s 6’2 and 150 lbs) and I honestly and truly replied “NO, NEVER.” I have never wished him to be anything but what he is. I think I am just so crushed because the last thing I need is somebody telling me I’m fat, let alone the one person I thought supported me and loved me for who I am, no matter what. I told him that I cannot marry somebody who doesn’t 100% love and support me for who I am NOW and doesn’t wish I was physically different.
I’m just completely floored. He tried to backpedal last night but I just couldn’t even talk to him. It just hurts too much to know that he thinks that when I love him just for who he is and how he looks, and always have. And here I was thinking I was doing well…I’ve never been an “unhealthy” 200 lbs – I work out, I just know I eat the wrong things and too much of them sometimes, plus genetics gives me huge breasts and hips (44-33-44, which honestly I’m not THAT unhappy with for the first time in my life!) And the worst part is that I don’t even want to eat, because I know that, despite the fact that I’ve been recovered for nearly 4 years, I’m not going to be able to fight the urge to start purging again. This is such a sensitive subject; none of my current friends know about my ED past, and I want to keep it that way, so honestly all I’m asking for is some support here. I just don’t know where else to turn, and I’m still crying my eyes out this morning thinking about it.