(Closed) I am so sick of his ex ruining ALL THE THINGS. *ranty rant rant*

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would tell him that if he wants your relationship to work, he needs to cut off contact with her.

What people do is compare current relationships to previous ones, though.  My fiance once made a comment, after I expressed EXTREME frustration that I could not find jeans that fit, that his ex-girlfriend had the same problem, “Because she was so tall and thin.”  The comment I had made was that I am “too short and fat for life” or something ridiculous.  His goal?  To reassure me that everyone has trouble finding clothes.  What I heard?  I miss my ex because she is tall and thin and you are short and fat and basically I hate you.



Post # 5
3054 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sort of like your boyfriend, I too spent more then I should have on somebody that did not deserve it. It took me some time, but I can say now the guy is rarely in my thoughts and he does not have any effect on my relationship with my husband. The ex has also tried to get into contact with me several times. It put me through a real sour mood everytime. At first I ignored it hoping he would get the hint, then I eventually told him to eff off and blocked all contact with him. That is the only way to get through to some people because they are just totally oblivious.

He really needs to block her calls, emails and messages if he wants to get over this. Change his number if he has to.

Post # 6
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissCalifornia:  “But she still calls and texts and messages him all. the. time.”

Why isn’t she blocked?

As for the bracelet, explain what it means to you and maybe give it some time.

Post # 7
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@peachacid:  +1.  Totally agree on all counts.  


Post # 9
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MissCalifornia:  He has got to cut off all ties with her.  Block her calls and texts or change his number.  That is absolutely ridiculous.  If he is 100% comitted to you, he should have no trouble doing this.  She was obviously very selfish and controlling and maintains some sort of control over him.

As for Pandora, I would just let go of that one.  It’s just a piece of jewelry.  It’s not worth having a reminder of her around.

Post # 10
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Cady:  Agree. Changing numbers is a great idea!



View original reply
@MissCalifornia:  I think YOU SHOULD tell him you have always wanted a Pandora bracelet. Then tell him it will be the first time he will give one that will be cherished & you would love to show it off. 🙂


Post # 12
20 posts

While your boyfriend’s ex may well have been/be a jerk, it kind of sounds like the problem here is your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend baggage.  I think you mentioned before that your relationship with him had moved quite quickly — did he just break up with the other girl relatively recently (like within the last year)? If so, it’s totally normal for him to still have complicated feelings about that breakup, especially if it was a multi-year relationship — and it sounds like he does.

I think it’s fine for your boyfriend to speak about his ex with you (i’m all for general open-ness about everything in a relationship) but if he talks about her all the time to you, and makes comparisons between you two, that is kind of a red flag to me.  If he is going to compare you he should have the good sense to keep those thoughts to himself!  It is also totally unfair of him to 1. tell you that she sucks, and then 2. list off things about her that made the relationship bad, because that’s basically him saying “don’t ever do or say or become any of these things or else you will be awful just like my last girlfriend”.  Frankly, it’s a bit manipulative. 

It’s ok for him to not want to repeat some experiences he associates with the ex-girlfriend (like if they had a restaurant they always went to on dates and he doesn’t want to go there anymore, fair enough) but the fact that you want a pandora bracelet, or want to go on a vacation to a particular place, or happen to like flowers LIKE EVERY OTHER WOMAN EVER should be about YOU, and what you want, and what he can do to make you happy, and should have no reference whatsoever to this other person he is no longer dating and who has absolutely nothing to do with you!

I think you should basically tell him as much… that by sharing lists with you of things he disliked about/associates with the evil ex he’s pressuring you not to be/want any of those things, that that’s unfair, and that while you agree it was totally uncool that his ex used to “make him” buy her expensive jewelery, and you would never do that, it doesn’t mean you don’t like jewelery and wouldn’t appreciate some authentic jewelery-buying gestures!

Good luck.  If he is still  hung up on his ex that’s a real pain, but i don’t think it means the relationship is doomed or anything… hopefully the ex baggage will fade with time. 

 ETA: you may need to work through how he understands the role of gifts in a real, functioning relationship — that they are supposed to be spontaneous gestures of generosity, that you would never pressure him for gifts, but that they can be very meaningful gestures all the same! I sure hope that he doesn’t think he just never has to buy gifts again because he doesn’t have a crazy girl pressuring him anymore.

Post # 14
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MissCalifornia:  I agree with previous posters who said he should block her number, emails, Facebook, etc.  She sounds awful, and if that were my ex, I’d want her the hell out of my life in every possible way.

While I understand the feelings you’re having, I think you should be open with him about it.  For example, you could say something like, “I know you had a really bad experience with your ex, but sometimes it makes me feel as though certain things are “tainted.”  The other day when you mentioned Pandora bracelets?  I actually really like those.  And while I wouldn’t expect you to buy it or all of the charms for me, I also wouldn’t want to feel like I couldn’t tell you that I might like one.  Or, if I got one as a gift from someone else (or bought one for myself), I wouldn’t want to feel as though I couldn’t pick out a couple of charms I like as possible gift ideas if you asked me what I wanted for my birthday (or Christmas, an anniversary, etc.).”  Since you said his ex bullied him quite a bit, I think you’ll have to approach the subject lightly.  Make sure he knows you’re not trying to get him to buy you something, and that the point of the discussion is so he realizes his vocalization of things involving his ex is making you feel bad.

When my fiance and I started dating, I apparently mentioned one of my ex-boyfriends a lot.  I honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it, and I was completely over that relationship … But he and I had been together for a little over 4 years, so a lot of my experiences involved him.  I guess I didn’t feel the need to edit him out of my stories.  It really bothered my fiance, though, and he brought it up to me.  After that, I made an effort to talk about my ex less often.  The other day my fiance actually said, “You never talk about that guy you dated for a long time anymore.”  I responded, “Well, you told me you didn’t really like hearing about him.”

He wasn’t telling me not to ever mention him again.  He just told me it made him feel a little bad because he knew I’d had all of these experiences with my ex (good and bad), and he just really didn’t want to know all of the details.  It kind of tainted things for him, I think.

Post # 15
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think it might be helpful to develop the habit of being yourself, even the parts that are like the crazy ex, because you are not crazy, you’re just you. 🙂 For me that was one of the best ways to really know my fiance loved ME was when I stopped trying to be the best version of myself and give him the best perception of how what he wants is me.

So sometimes I’m hard to handle and wear the same sweatshirt for a week without washing it, and leave my coffee mugs and shoes all over the house, and make him buy me flowers.  🙂

You my dear, get to say that you would love a Pandora bracelet, because you are who you are, not who you’re not. 

Post # 16
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MissCalifornia:  yeah he needs a smack.  Still friends???? How come he can’t buy his current girlfriend … oh i dunno Flowers or a bracelet she really wants without tying it to his ex/gf but current caring friend?  


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