(Closed) I am so sick of his ex ruining ALL THE THINGS. *ranty rant rant*

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
4856 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, it might be worth it to see a relationship counselor. Seems extreme, yes, but honestly, he needs to be able to see that you are not her, that buying your flowers and bracelets is okay, and not the same thing as before. Most of all he needs to move on from the hurt this other person caused him. You don’t need that following you around your whole relationship. That said, It’s normal to draw comparisons early on in a relationship…. how long have you been together? 

Post # 48
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PP’s, this ex-gf baggage shouldn’t even be a factor in your relationship. and if she was so awful, I have a hard time believing that he would still consider her a friend. That really doesn’t make sense to me.

Post # 49
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

QueenofCups 100+ , Yeah- OP, I would buy my own bracelett

Post # 50
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly your bf needs to nip this shit in the bud pronto. I don’t think that you should just dump him, but it certainly concerning.

He needs to leave his past relationship in the the fucking past. If you guys are shopping for jewelry for you, there no reason she should be mentioned or for that matter even be on his mind. It’s fucking ridiculous.

As someone whose done way wilder version of that, once I realize what I was doing. I let my prior relationship go, and stop dwelling on it and leting it effect me and people I dated.

I think your anger is misdirected, it should be at your boyfriend. You need to place the blame firmly on his shoulders, and he needs to own his behavior and choices. Rather then constantly being upset. Another thing they are two sides to every story, and I wouldn’t take everything he says about her with a grain of salt. Because it’s only human to play the blame game and harp on all the bad shit our exes did without taking responsibility for staying in that relationship, or the toxicity he more then likely contributed to it.

You aren’t his ex, and you shouldn’t have to pay for things that have nothing to do with you.

Post # 51
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I personally think unless there’s kids from the relationship there is no reason for you to remain friends after breaking up, I hate to tell you this, but if their relationship was as bad as he says, Then why did he choose to stay in contact with her? Alarm bells must be going off in your head by now that there’s still some feelings between the two. He knows she used him, is obviously a bit of a nutjob, and yet he wants to be friends with her,  which in turn means you either

A. start looking at her as a friend since she is obviously not going anywhere.

Or

B. Confront HIM about why HE wants to remain friends with her so badly.

He’s putting you in an awkward position, and if you guys stay together, you’ll drive yourself crazy wondering if he still loves her, I’m not saying he does, but he obviously still has some kind of feelings for her, if he wants to stay involved with her, from what I’ve seen this is a pretty new relationship, but do you really want her to be the third wheel, or worse, you could be made to feel like the third wheel of this relationship.

Post # 52
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

i think you should be more upset at your boyfriend for not cutting her off immediately on all social platforms. in retrospect, the ex girlfriend is really just a small issue. the REAL issue is your boyfriend still letting her negative influences into both your lives. there is clearly a lot of baggage and SHE is not all to blame. crazy ex girlfriends can suck, but they aren’t ones to be completely blamed when they interfere with a present relationship. he can throw every excuse in the book and blame her ‘obsessive/controlling’ personality for the reason he can’t get rid of her or stop communication, but i think it boils down to him not wanting to let go of all those ties yet. and if he can’t buy you a pandora bracelet because it reminds him of her…i also take that as a warning sign. if he is completely and truly over her and is done with her childish and immature behaviors, he should realize that associating her with objects is completely ridiculous! her negative influences should NO way impact both of your daily lives in any way. i think you need to sit down and have an honest-to-god-jesus-take-the-wheel-come-to-jesus meeting with your boyfriend and sort all this out. 

ex girlfriend might be a total psycho bitch and she might be annoying as hell, but i don’t think she deserves all the blame or the hatred you have for her. 

Post # 53
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

The only thing I can do is tell you some of my story and the many regrets that I have from it, because I see so many examples in your posts that are parallel versions of my own past. I spent years being absolutely miserable and depressed because I let someone treat me as your boyfriend is treating you – intentionally or otherwise.

You’re second best right now with someone who is healing from a previous break-up. The first two years of a relationship I was in were dominated with, “My ex this,” “My ex that,” etc. Comparisons. And to some extent, it’s expected after four turbulent years together. But after 5 months of dating, this stuff really needs to start taking a backseat. You need to start enforcing boundaries with him and letting him know that it’s not okay. If he said something to me about “I’m glad you don’t like x (ostensibly because his ex DID),” you respond with, “Yes, I do like it. I was hoping I could get one one day.” What, is he going to dodge everything that reminds him of her?

My honest feeling is that this is too soon for him. The guy I was dating when I went through something similar was TWO YEARS out of a one-year relationship, and I let that go on for more than a year into our relationship. Even when it was over, it was poison. It’s very undermining if someone so ‘toxic’ is still involved in your present life. It would make me seriously question what your boyfriend has told you about her. And it would seriously make me wonder if that’s not just his excuse to you so he can continue chatting with her.

I am generally in the camp of, “It’s a bad idea to keep chatting with exes.” At the very least, your boyfriend needs some true no-contact time until he is confident that he no longer has feelings for her. And if she can’t respect his boundaries, or if she’s going to bother him, then he just won’t be able to have contact with her no matter how he feels about her. But is that a sacrifice he’s willing to make?

Don’t put yourself through the Hell that I allowed myself to live through. In my experience, it only got worse with time. His ex isn’t the problem – he is, and he’s going to continue allowing it to happen until you put your foot down. You have to decide if you want this to be your future. If you stay, and do not speak up, this could well be your life in 5, 10 or more years.

There is time to save this. But he’s got to stop making comparisons between the two of you. His relationship with her is over, and odds are there will be some similarities between you…that doesn’t mean they’re even worth mentioning. You are his girlfriend – not a therapist to help him heal from his ex.

Post # 54
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Ah, I see you updated (sorry!). Great news. Exes need to become old news in the vast, vast majority of cases.

 

Post # 55
Member
4643 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Americano:  i totally agree. just be you. some things might overlap with how she was, but that does not make you HER. if you want a relationship long term with this guy, you have to be yourself. you can’t tiptoe and let that define you by trying so hard to be “not her”

Post # 56
Member
5659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@peachacid:  LOL amusing play on exactly how conversations between men and women go. i love it. “I miss my ex because she is tall and thin and you are short and fat and basically I hate you.”. Why can’t we ever just hear it for what they are saying!

Anyway, I agree with pretty much everyone OP. Your boyfriend needs to start by cutting off contact with this girl. He’ll never get over how much he resents her and her poor behavior by allowing her to continue contacting him. Second, if something is important to you you should express it to him. He should know you well enough that if you want something its not because you want his money. By letting him believe that you don’t like Pandora bracelets, something you covet and really want, you will never get it from him, even down the road when he DOES want to buy you something pretty and isn’t hung up on his ex anymore. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated nicely, and be treated with flowers or something special once in awhile. Don’t let yourself come across like you really don’t care about those things if you do, otherwise you’ll end up with this post x100 5 years from now and you’ll be breaking it off because your resentment levels and relationship satisfaction will be unfixable! 

ETA: Just read your update haha. Good to hear! 

Post # 57
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@MissCalifornia:  he needs to let that psycho know that it’s not appropriate for her to contact him anymore. Does he ignore her? He could call his phone company and see if he came get her number blocked from calling him? Or if he has a phone like my friend’s (Samsung galaxy?) you can actually add people to a blocked caller list!

Anyway, I’m sorry she’s tainting everything. I wonder if you could talk to him and say that you are a different person to her (obviously!) and that you like certain things too, but you don’t have the expectations that she did (Expensive gifts every day). In time, I’m sure he’ll stop associating nice things that girls love with such a negative person, but that won’t happen till she’s out of sight (missed calls, messages) out of mind.

Post # 58
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

I love Pandora, and trollbeads.. I am a bead addict. But I buy most of my beads on my own, my husband gives beads to me for special occasions, and he loves to see how much I treasure them and how much it makes me happy.

I am sorry she tainted even that on his mind, she sounds like a gold digger!

If you really want a Pandora, tell him. He will eventually forget about her and her overpriced beads.

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