(Closed) I am so so sad

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think you need to stop looking to them for affection and stop putting so much effort into these relationships. You know you’re not perfect and neither are they. It seems like you are all very defensive around each other and very sensitive to perceived criticisms. 

Some relationships can improve and maybe yours with them will over time too, but it has to be when you’re all able and in a good place to do it and it doesn’t sound like now is the right time. 

My feeling is that you’re possibly better off putting more effort into the relationships you have with other people who make you feel uplifted and supported rather than with those who drain your energy and bring you down. 

Post # 18
Member
5608 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My mother is mentally ill, my older sister is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I had an emotionally abusive stepfather… I’ve been through the ringer with family. as a result, I have an anxiety disorder that I have learned to manage.

The best thing that ever happened to me was to be kicked out of my house. I was 19 and in college and stayed with friends 

But I had years and YEARS of professional counseling, more than ten years to be exact.

Your sister sounds like she has issues and you can’t do anything about that. the tricky thing about a mental illness (her behavior sounds like my older sister when we were in high school, she told us many, many times that she hoped we would all die in a fiery car crash, her behavior brought a lot of memories back to me) is that it is unpredictable. things are stable for a while and then, without warning, they aren’t.

 

Long story short, bee… you are dealing with a lot of pain. I think you need to cut ties for a while, focus on yourself and get help to come to terms with your mom and your sister. they love you the way that they can. they are who they are and nothing you say or do can change that. you don’t have to let it bring you down or hurt your happy engagement.

I’m 31 now, getting married next year with a 1 year old daughter and an 18 year old step daughter. my mom has been stable for a few years so she’s in my life but it is completely conditional. I am prepared for a downfall and have not left my daughter alone with her.  same goes for my older sister.

You can love them and still distance yourself. trust me, it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships improved because of it.

Post # 19
Member
27 posts
Newbee

Your sister is toxic, I know I have one too who I have cut out of my life. I don’t think expecting your mum to attend two events is unreasonable either. Chalk it up to experience and do not involve them any further it’s not worth the upset on either side

Post # 20
Member
5608 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My heart goes out to you, it reminds me of how horrible I felt throughout my life. focus on yourself bee, when you find inner peace and happiness, you will find that their drama won’t impact you anymore.

Post # 22
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

ridgebacklover :  This sounds rough and I’m sorry that things between you and your family are so strained…hopefully in the future you can all find a healthy way to co-exist but I just don’t see this wedding being the lynch pin for it.

You are entitled to be as excited and happy as any bride, but you can’t allow your happiness to depend on the participation and excitement of others, its a recipe for disappointment.

 

Post # 23
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Hosnetly Bee

Step away….FAR AWAY from your mom and sister. Sounds like someone is gonna get hurt or arrested.

Not worth it, I would just leave them out of wedding planning and keep them far from you. 

If they don’t want to listen or change or go to therapy then they are toxic people and it sounds like you are all feeding into the drama. 

Leave it.

Post # 24
Member
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ridgebacklover :  

I am glad you are feeling better and that you seem strong and forward- looking  now . That is brave and admirable and I wish you the very very best.

Just one thing though, when you say you are now  going to focus on yourself  and that in the past you always put others first  – be careful that just  doesn’t mean  you are even more expecting everyone to care as much about your wedding as you ( I lost a dog over a year ago and am not over it, so I find your attitude over  your mum’s  dog the opposite   of putting someone else  first)

But be that as it may , I wish you happiness and luck .  

Post # 25
Member
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

ridgebacklover :  I think you sister has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, google it. Sounds very much like it. Your mom… idk mabe too, or maybe she just isnt herself after the dogs…. NPD can be very pronounced or very subtle.. there are diffetent types and stages. I am currently going though some major issues with my mom, just tired with putting up with her critsism, control amd manipulation…I was googling some coping strategies or how to stand up to her bs without her blowing up at me every time I try to do it .. came accross NPD…. a lot of it hit close to home. 

Post # 26
Member
6556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

The tough thing is that your family members aren’t going to change. I spent years working on the relationship with my sister. I always thought it was getting better… until it wasn’t. I don’t blame you for your thinking, as you are probably still young, but after years of trying I can tell you that it is very, very rare that people change.

You will probably try again with your sister, even if it is a decade from now. And things will fail again because she will probably be the same person then that she is now. I would never tell you to cut your mum or your sister out of your life because no stranger can make that call. My solution has been distance. I see my sister once a year for a few hours at Christmas. We smile and pretend and that’s that. There is nothing she could do at this point to make me trust her, and I am sure she feels something equally bad (though I cannot figure out what since I have always just been her kid sister looking for acceptance). Anyway a person looks at it, though, there is no functional relationship between us, and I will never reach out for one again. At some point it stops hurting; it just is what it is.

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