(Closed) I am struggling. Fiances family are horrible. What would you do?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Sorry to hear that his family is treating you this way, but I don’t think you should expect a “thank you” from them for caring for their son, he’s your fiance. Would it be nice if they acknowledged and were appreciative of what you’re doing? Sure, but just keep reminding yourself that you aren’t doing it for them, you’re doing it for him. And he’s clearly very thankful for having you in his life. 

It’s hard, but for now, you just have put all of this on the back burner and focus on your Fiance and his health. Once he’s feeling better, sit him down and explain how his family behaved, then suggest  getting everyone together, including your family, for a big open chat. People react differently under stress. Maybe the realisation of almost losing their son was too much for them and they took their anger out on you. That’s not an excuse for their behaviour, but perhaps a little insight. By the sounds of it, the only way you’re going to be able to get passed this is by talking to them about it. 

Post # 3
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

This post seems a little dramatic. I don’t see anything that their family did as being so horribly bad. Inconvinent and rude maybe.. but not horrid. What is it that you would like to see happen? If you would like an apology or some gratitude.. you should prob give those hopes up. If you thought that they loved you this whole time.. maybe they do and the stressfull situation got the worst of them. Also, you are not the next of kin. If you were, you could have asked them to leave.. or restricted his visitors. 

Post # 4
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

*Serious amount of hugs* WOW you are an incredible person just absolutely amazing. It tooks a wonderful person to behave the way you did and to take such good care of people. 

First off copy & paste everything you just wrote and print it out. Label it for you fiance tell him it explains what happened when he was in the hospital. Tell him he can’t read it UNTIL he is absolutely ready and can handle it. That way his evil parents can’t make up shit before you’ve been able to catch him up on things. 

The letter will open up issues that are vital to talk about & it will be. Heartbreaking & rough but you HAVE to discuss this. His family’s behavior is unacceptable. You have power do not forget ANYTHING they do to you- YOU have power to do something about. Yes they are his parents but if they did something to YOU you have the right to do whatever you want. 

Set boundaries personally. Limit contact so you can heal. Also explain to you fiance that if he chooses to he can have a relationship with his family IF he still 100% has your back. I speak from experience my Future Father-In-Law is/was abusive I wrote a thread about it my Fiance & I moved out, cried A LOT, set boundaries, i know my Fiance  has my back and I cut my Future father in law out of my life right now. It’s a tough process but soooo worth it. Remember you are doing everything right your fiance will see this & see his family are sooo wrong. 

Hang in there you are a fucking angel for everything you’ve done for your fiance! Fuck those assholes its intolerable they did all of that.

Post # 7
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

His family were wrong in their actions,  but I think it might be wise to try and give them some slack. People under this kind of stress and pressure react in a variety of ways, including lashing out in anger and misdirecting their anger. If you have had a good relationship up until this point I would try to move on. If you can’t I would at least put this on hold and call some sort of truce. Your Fiance should be focused on healing right now, and no one (you or his family ) should be stressing him out with this drama. What’s done is done,  and whether he finds out now or in 6 months won’t make a difference. 

Post # 8
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
saratiara2:  I agree with you. Yes, OP, i feel for you. They sound horrible, rude, and most of all-unwelcoming to his family. However, you have to be strong for your fiance. you have to for months be strong. when someone is healing, stress can exacerbate the healing process. Let him think things are going well, easy, and focus on his health. Poor guy sounds like he went through a near death experience, i’m so sorry for you and for his family.

My thoughts are to put this aside for now. Even talk to his family that for your fiances health, to at least “pretend ” to get along. Once your fiance is better, you can be honest, or set up boundaries. 

However, I think it is important to note that some people react to crisis situations in different ways. One way is through stress/which can look nasty. It seemed like his dad (with drinking water or with visiting his son) was just so stressed. I cannot even dare to imagine what it’s like to have a child go through something so scary. They are dealing with their stress in an unfortunate way, but it’s a shitty situation. I hope your fiance heals and you all can mvoe past this. 

Post # 10
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

So very sorry to hear about Luke, hope he’s healing and on his way to full recovery! 

Now back to his lovely family, their behavior is lacking emotional intelligence, something you can’t teach someone easily. Its immature and disrespectful of them the things they said or how they’re acting. I understand that you (or no one) would not like them making up lies about you, but Luke should and I assume that he knows you very well and that the things they say shouldn’t matter. He loves his family I’m sure, and he does love you too and he’s choosing to spend the rest of his life with you, NOT them. So as heart breaking as it is for them to say things behind their back, it only shows how dramatic and immature they are and it shouldnt reflect on you if Luke truly knows you well. I would be smart about not raising any major issues, just simply have a calm and direct convo with him telling him that you’re heart broken by the things the family had said and that you don’t want it to strain your relationship. Keep it short and simple! You do NOT need their approval or “thank yous”. Keep us updated!

Post # 11
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

And please don’t feel so alone, because you are not. In the end, its only you and Luke. nothing else matters. They will come around oneday. Maybe not, but so be it.

Post # 15
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Church

View original reply
totesokay:  Big hugs . I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Keep doing good . The truth has away of coming out and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Focus your attention on your boyfriend and your future together. Positive thoughts produces positive results. If someone wants to bring you down, forgive and let it go. It’s so hard to do but you can do it.  Don’t let the people who hurt you take one more minute of your happiness. 

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